Episode 3: This week the girls are handing out the roses. The episode kicked off with Lauren having a meltdown because she wanted to go home¦ and then admitted to some of the guys that she’s a mistress back home and then proceeded to cry, again. It seems in this season when you wish hard enough for a particular bachelor or bachelorette to show up, he does. In this case, Lauren the mistress wished with all her might for Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season to come”and he did. Ashley I. tried to big up her sister as the chilliest girlfriend ever (right) when he came armed with a date card”poor Joshua was bombarded almost immediately. Obviously Joshua doesn’t like aggressive women, because he asked Tenley on his date instead, prompting Lauren to once again threaten to leave because the one guy she maaaaaaybe liked asked someone else out instead. Oh. My. God. Lauren left, her sister cried (duh) and Joshua and Tenley went out on a date together while JJ made fun of Joshua when in walked Joe (with a date card, too). After Joe basically snubbed Clare, she confided in a pretty adorable raccoon that was more interested in the empty wine bottle than her problems, but made the rest of the crew think he wasn’t really interested in talking to any of the girls that would keep him around. Even when he asked Juelia to go on his date it was hella awkward (no one’s really sure if he actually asked), but it caused a bit of jealousy from Jonathan who’d already had a connection with fellow single parent Juelia.
Tenley and Joshua were having a fun tequila-fuelled night while JJ was at the hotel stewing and then pulled Tenley away almost immediately to mark his territory in front of Joshua. But even after JJ and Tenley had their own moment alone, Joshua pulled Tenley aside again¦ and things were getting steamy. While in the pool with some of the Paradise peeps, Joshua started running his mouth about doing drugs and stuff, so some of the guys told Tenley, of course, upsetting her since she reeeeeally liked him. Juelia and Joe went on their date and he almost seemed interested in her and not at all like he was just trying to get a rose. They talked about Juelia’s daughter and then made out under a waterfall. Tenley confronted Joshua about the frequency of his recreational drug use, but their conversation just left her on the fence. Juelia and Jonathan had an uncomfortable conversation about their relationship (or lack of one, according to Juelia), leaving Jonathan unsure of whether he’s going to get a rose”and Juelia being sprung on Joe who’s definitely not in it for the right reasons. Clare and Jared were making a connection while testosterone-fueled Mikey was also feeling this girl. Jared got a date card and asked Clare (who, according to Ashley I., eggs are almost dead), setting off both Ashley I. and Mikey. Mikey let Clare have it (even though she did absolutely nothing wrong and told him from the start that she wasn’t exclusive with him).
Episode 4: The episode kicked off with Clare and Jared (Clared?) on their drama-creating date (Ashley I. did. not. shut. up. about it) to do some bungee jumping”but not without a kiss first. Joe continued to dupe Juelia while Ashley I. continued to cry (thinking we should do a cry count just for her) while Clare recounted her date to some of the other girls. And then, just when you thought there were enough singles in Paradise, in walked Michael from Desiree’s season with eyes for Tenley and Tenley only and made it pretty apparent when he instantly asked to take her on a date while Joshua wished diarrhea on him. Mikey pulled Juelia aside to try and convince her that he’s a better choice and tried to put the moves on her, but Juelia was still smitten with Joe and brutally rebuffed him. Tenley had her work cut out for her in the way of decisions, especially after her kiss-filled date with newcomer Michael.
At the rose ceremony, it was seven ladies armed with roses and 10 guys, meaning a whopping three were getting sent home (likely two of Tenley’s three hopefuls). Before any roses were doled out, Jonathan took his last opportunity to talk to Juelia, knowing he might be getting sent home”and Mikey followed suit. Juelia confronted Joe, but he talked his way out and tried to seal his deal with another kiss. After telling Juelia he didn’t think Joe had the best intentions, Jonathan apologized profusely (really just making Joe look like the good guy in all this) and cried, but it really just solidified Joe’s place for another week. Ashley I. and Jared had a surprising kissy moment while Clare reminisced about being on the show three times and how everyone always finds love but her”and made a point to express that to everyone else. Jade was having NONE OF IT and told Clare she found her speech offensive and that she’s not the only one who has come on the show for love. Clare had another freak out before passing out her rose¦ causing the episode to be continued¦ womp, womp. Until next week.
Coming up roses: Kirk (from Carly), Dan (from Ashley S.), Tanner (from Jade), Joshua (from Tenley)¦
Paradise pairings: Tenley & Joshua, Tenley & JJ, Juelia & Joe, Carly & Kirk, Jared & Clare, Tenley & Michael, Ashley I. & Jared, Ashley S. & Dan
Kiss count: Tenley & Joshua, Tenley & JJ, Juelia & Joe, Clare & Jared, Tenley & Michael, Ashley I. & Jared, Ashley S. & Dan (Episode “ 7; Season “ 11)
Cry count: Lauren, Ashley I. (we stopped counting how many times), Clare, Tenley, Mikey, Jonathan (Episode “ 5; Season “ 9)
Catfight count: Mikey & Clare (Episode “ 1; Season “ 1)