11 F*cked Up Things That Happened on Bachelor in Paradise: Season 3, Episode 5

As The Bachelor producers like to tease us, we left off last week with Jared trying to tell Ashley that he doesn’t love her for what feels like the hundredth time.

1. We got what seemed like an actual resolution when Jared finaalllllyyyy got fed up with Ashley and her stalkerish ways and walked away from her during their conversation. We then got her relentless subs dubbed in loud enough to hear over the sweet conversation between Jared and Caila. Hey, remember when Ashley said she wasn’t going to cry?

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2. Daniel was the wild card rose and had Sarah, Haley (and by extension, Emily) and Ashley (who had finally stopped crying for approximately 30 seconds) fighting for his heart and the last spot in Paradise. While Sarah was obviously the most genuinely interested in him, she and Ashley were sent packing, giving the twins another week.

3. After two seconds in the car, Ashley asked the driver to stop, walked back up to the resort and told everyone that after her chat with Jared, she’s feeling much better and used words like “closure,” and asked to stay now that she’s “open-minded” so she can have an actual chance at love.

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4. The next day, Carl and Brett from Andi’s season (if you’re asking, “who?” you’re not alone) came into Paradise and started hunting for their double dates. Ashley convinced Brett to pursue Caila, even though she’s with Jared (hatching her plan to spend some alone time with a heartbroken Jared because she’s “being open-minded”).

5. Brett asked Caila on the date, who initially said yes (Carl took Emily, FYI). Then talked to Jared and decided to stay. Then talked to Brett again and said yes. Then said no. Then said yes. Eventually she went on the date, stating that she was confused about her feelings for Jared and wanted to sort them out on a date with another guy, leaving Jared with, “I like you but I don’t know.”

6. Emily and Carl were practically humping on their booze cruise (even though Emily forget Carl’s name). It was hot af and if nothing else, these two will have some damn sexy romps.

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7. When Brett tried to be a little flirty and silly with Caila, she completely shut down and, even though Ashley had been consoling (read: luring) Jared all day, she came back from her date and immediately came back to Jared and made her feelings known. Naturally, Ashley reverted back into her natural state with her, “I can’t believe this is happening again” line and we just all rolled our eyes collectively as the viewing group.

8. Ryan (another “who?”) from Kaitlyn’s season came into the resort and, after speaking with Haley and Ashley, asked Haley to go on a date with him, making Daniel the “papa bear” a little angry. Unfortunately, Haley was excited to get away from Daniel for a bit. They seemed to hit it off well enough and we had some major bathing suit envy from Haley.

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9. Back in Paradise, Grant wanted to do something nice for Lace and decided to take her for a couples massage and then dropped that big L-bomb on her. She didn’t reciprocate (yet), but she slurred her words into a sweet enough sentence and seemed genuinely touched by Grant’s gesture.

10. The other couple that we’ve been watching, Vinny and Izzy, were on the rocks. While everyone was speculating that they’d be the ones to get engaged during the show, Brett being in paradise changed things for Izzy and, since she was employing the “NO RAGRETS” mantra, she decided to chat with Brett and see what happens.

11. Of course, what happened, was Vinny being totally crushed. One of the sweetest, hottest guys on the show has basically been dumped after weeks of being with Izzy, pulling himself off the Paradise market and effectively not even looking at other girls in the process.

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