13 F*cked Up Things That Happened on Bachelor in Paradise: Season 3, Episode 4

We picked up right where last week left off in midst of that awkward encounter when Evan basically had to pry Josh’s face off of Amanda’s. Gross.

1. Evan decided that he deserved love and made his own date card with Amanda’s name on it. Amanda was, as per usual, the sweetest person on the planet as she gently let Evan down (so many rejections), while Josh waited for his latest conquest while conquering a pizza, making the same gross moaning noise he made while he was making out with Amanda.

2. Claiming he still wanted what was best for Amanda, Evan then pulled Amanda away to remind her of the awful things that Andi said in her tell-all (starting with the fact that Josh is emotionally abusive). Josh wasn’t happy (duh), but got even more pissed when Nick also pulled Amanda aside and basically told him the same thing. Boy drama.

3. The rose ceremony had the girls in charge, which resulted in some surprising pairings, including: Lace to Grant; Izzy to Vinny; Emily to Jared; Amanda to Josh; Sarah to Daniel; Carly to Evan; and Haley to Nick–wait, wut? Apparently Haley isn’t down with being confused with her twin and sent Brandon home, claiming that Nick “deserved to find love.”

4. When things weren’t rocky enough in Paradise, in walked Caila with her great hair (which she still plays with more than any other person, ever) and totally distracted every guy there (warranting comments from Lace like “if she goes for Grant I’m going to have to cut a bitch”).

5. Caila got a feel for some of the guys there, but latched onto Jared almost immediately (and he was very obviously into her, too), asking him to come on a date with her. Jared, ever the gentleman, was honest with her, explaining that he’s been spending some time with Emily and just wants to talk to her before he goes on a date with Caila. Emily of course couldn’t say much to stop Jared from going on a date, but was feeling pretty vulnerable and expressed her concerns for how perfect Caila seems (literally my main concern since we first met her).

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6. While Emily sulked, Caila and Jared went horseback riding on the beach and then went and frolicked in the water while all the rainbows and unicorns and puppies danced around them (jk, but like that would happen on a date with those two).

7. Daniel was weird again, dropping water into a sleeping Vinny’s bellybutton and then sucking it out with a straw.

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8. When Jared got back from his date with Caila, Jared pulled Emily aside and went on and on about how he has feelings for Emily and that he wants to give her more, but then ended the conversation saying that he wants to explore his relationship with Caila instead. Emily, of course because she’s one of the most relatable people ever (except for when she’s asking what “condescending” means), second-guessed everything about herself while she sat in tears.

9. While all the couples were making out like high school kids, Lace (and her terrible extensions) and Izzy got a double date card, naturally taking Grant and Vinny with them. The night started off good enough, but escalated quickly when everyone started drinking (shocker: Lace + alcohol = no bueno) and some random girl at the club threw water on Lace and Izzy and Lace started to lose her shit, but Grant stepped in.

10. Daniel, Sarah, Carly and Evan were left back at the hotel and Daniel made things hella awkward by opening up the whole Carly-Evan debacle again. Evan pined for the relationship that never was (“I don’t want to close the door on love with Carly”) and Carly wasn’t having it. When you didn’t think Evan could be even more emo about it, Evan passed out in his bed and needed medical attention (attention from Carly?).

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11. Carly went to make sure he was okay and then the medics conveniently told her someone should stay with him. This seemed to perk Evan right back up and he tried (again) (seriously, no means no) to kiss Carly, but somehow succeeded because apparently when you pull a stunt like that (maybe he did, maybe he didn’t), you get some action. Le sigh.

12. Apparently Amanda and Josh hooked up and we got to hear all of the moans (not just Josh’s) and Amanda’s “you’re so sweaty” comment, because #realityTV.

13. Just when you thought enough shit didn’t go down tonight, in walked Ashley I. with her intro, “I’m back because I’m still in love with Jared.” *Cough, stalker, cough cough*

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