We’re not even over the hangover from last night’s Bachelorette finale and here we are moving onto the next big thing, the third season of Bachelor in Paradise. Since we’re going to be spending the next few weeks trying to get the names straight, here’s a little recap of who’s in paradise (Mexico): Amanda, Jared, professional twins Emily and Haley, Leah, Lace, Jubilee, Sarah, Carly, Izzy, Daniel, Evan, Grant, Nick, Vinny and, of course, The Chad. Of course, we all know that some other Bachelor and Bachelorette castoffs make their way into the show throughout the season (gotta shake things up, duh), but we’ve already got our hands full with this crew. Here are some of the messy highlights of the season premiere.
1. Daniel, the representing Canadian, started his journey off with calling all of the girls cocker spaniels saying that he’d have to get “white girl wasted” to make out with some of them and wanted some more “ripe fruit; so far the fruit here looks bruised in transportation.” He then proceeded to have the most uncomfortable conversation with Izzy (if you’re asking who, she was apparently from Ben’s season).
2. Evan spent more time discussing his loathing for Chad than looking at any of the girls there, even though all the girls claimed “he’s cuter IRL.”
3. The Chad got his own stomping, Jurassic Park-like entrance while a parrot said “danger!” in the background. He then gave a half-assed apology to Evan, which just made Evan talk about Chad in another way, suggesting that maybe he forgot his steroids and had a happy pill instead.
4. Daniel and Chad became the first couple of Paradise with a bromantic moment on the beach. While they spent several minutes grunting about god know’s what, they also delivered this conversation in reference to the ladies in paradise:
When the conversation turns to picking up women, curling them, and “setting them back on the rack”…you know it’s time to turn the TV off.
” Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) August 3, 2016
5. We had our first hint of drama when Jubilee got the date card and asked Jared (literally the only guy she had eyes for), but one of the twins (can’t tell them apart, plus, they both stick around if one gets a rose) also liked Jared, even though she claimed Jubilee is her best friend.
6. Literally the only legitimate date of the night was completely and totally undermined by all of the other crap going on in “paradise.” Jared and Jubilee seemed to have a good date, even though a clown popping up scared her more than going to war. And then we never heard about their date again.
7. We realized that Vinny is really hot (I swear he wasn’t this attractive in JoJo’s season, or maybe we just spent too much time staring at Wells), but so did Izzy and the two spent most of the first night cuddling and making a real connection while getting a front row seat for…
8. Hurricane Chace. Chad and Lace, that is. What do you get when you cross tropical storms? A hurricane, according to Vinny. Chad and Lace had an “instant connection” (after Lace spent some time berating Grant for not asking her more specific questions, of course), spent some time making out, slapping each other, pinching each other, slapping each other, kissing each other, etc. This went on for a few hours until Chad got extra douchey and called her a bitch, which led to the end of what Carly called the “shortest relationship in Bachelor history.”
9. Even though Chad effectively called every woman on the show a bitch, he stayed on the show (for now) and Sarah actually saw the injustice of this (admittedly so did Nick) and called him out on his shit. Daniel (of all people) tried to soothe the Chad-bear and got this line instead:
” Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 3, 2016
10. After a rowdy night, papa Chris Harrison had to come in and talk to all his Bachelor children and grounded Chad by kicking him out. But because he’s Chad, he didn’t go out without a fight, confronting Lace (“Was it because I was talking to other girls?” NO) and even getting into it with papa Chris (“fuck you Chris Harrison!”) and the crabs (“fuck you crab!”).
And, of course, we got a stupid “To be continued.” Stay tuned for our recaps every Tuesday and Wednesday morning!