I have been without a serious romantic union for just over three trips around the sun and this is the longest stretch of time that I have been single. Prior to my last breakup, I had three long-term relationships back-to-back with two wonderful straight dudes and one terrifying straight monster. I learned much about myself as I spooned and smooched and conversed with and exchanged emotions alongside each of these gents. But, after I severed the ties with my most recent beau, I promised myself to go sans true love for a while to get in touch with moi. It has been one heck of a journey which I wouldn’t trade for anything. I almost stepped into a monogamous thing early on in my table for one days, but opted out. Not because this human wasn’t as wonderful as previous humans I’ve dated, but because I knew deep down that I had to go solo.
As I learned much about myself while being exclusively erotic with one body at a time, I also learned much about myself while being non-exclusively erotic with many bodies at a time, separately and in groups. Nowadays, when I think about relationships and love and romance I have a highly different outlook on the tradition of touching genitals and feelings and intelligence with another soul. The version of me from three years ago was into lots of stuff I’m no longer into. She also had way more rules and judgements and assumptions which she made without fact or experience. How naive she was! Thank god she has grown into current me, who I like a whole bunch. Here are a few ways that I have transformed over my non-accompanied days.
I’m way more independent and less co-dependent
Prior to my singledom, I was very reliant on the folks I coitused. I spent the majority of my free time with them and would message them every day to inquire as to what they were doing and more importantly what we were doing together. I would cook with them, sleep with them and attend every party with them on my arm. We were inseparable which made breaking up incredibly hard. Nowadays, I have a thriving career, an amazing group of friends and a supportive community. I’m out and about quite a bit because my work requires that I go to bars and shows and venues almost every night. I have a busy schedule to say the least. Imagining behaving as I did before is, well, unimaginable. I love how self-sufficient I have become. It’s made me stronger, healthier and more successful. I could never go back to how I used to be.
I’m open to non-monogamy and polyamorous relationships
In the early 2010s, I was pretty romantically conventional. I was heteronormative. I was monogamy-normative. I was into marriage and kids and growing old with one person forever. There is nothing wrong with those wants. But, the me of today doesn’t share the same beliefs as the me of the past. I’m no longer interested in getting married. I doubt I’ll ever give birth. I stand by that nothing lasts forever. I identify as queer, as in I date all of the genders, and I’m polyamorous, as in I date multiple people at the same time. I don’t think I can be fulfilled by one individual and I definitely don’t think I can be fulfilled until I die or they die or the apocalypse hits, whichever comes first. I currently date a variety of folks simultaneously and I’m happier. I would never have discovered that about myself without being single and trying out something new.
I have higher standards
In order to determine what you want and deserve and value, you gotta test out the waters, and believe me when I say there are A LOT of waters to test. When I met my partners of my early to mid-twenties, I wasn’t dating around much. In each case, I maybe went out with one or two guys before falling head over heels for these dudes. And although, again, they were wonderful (well, two of them at least), I’m realizing that we weren’t really compatible in several areas. Now that I’ve kissed and dated and fornicated with numerous other persons, I am getting a better idea of what type of partner I want and deserve and value. Like anything else, it’s all trial and error.
I have learned that there are TONS of great people to date
And testing out those waters includes realizing that there are hundreds of single people in this city. Like, right next door. All I have to do is open Tinder and swipe for a minute to remember that. But, before I started devoting a lot of time to dating, I assumed there were only two eligible bachelors in town, which is why I was petrified when a relationship ended, not knowing when or where I’d locate another guy interested in loving me. Turns out, there are guys all over the place, also girls! No need to worry about dying alone. Swiping right solves that problem.
I no longer tolerate bullshit and demand respect
Speaking of having higher standards, a younger Jess would forgive and forget selfishness and cruelty and condescension over and over again. No matter how many talks she had with her partners. No matter how many times they promised to change but then didn’t even try. No matter how many times she would hysterically sob in a week. She would trust their word that they would strive to improve. But, she should have paid more attention to their actions which were not amounting to much. They weren’t listening to her requests and they didn’t care about her feelings or her pain. As I get older and gain more self-confidence, wisdom, and experience the less I’m able to endure negative treatment without hope for positive development.
I’ve realized how important my friends, family and career are
When I lived in a boyfriend bubble, he was the main focus of my existence. Sure, I appreciated my pals and my sister and my comedy gigs to an extent, but I would gladly cancel all of the above to spend another night with my beau. I was working a full-time job I super disliked at the time and wishing I could pursue my dreams instead, but barely putting any energy into that endeavour. Not being consumed by my relationship allowed me to shift my attention to other areas of my life and build up friendships and sister bonds and my entertainment resume.
I’m interested in exploring my sexuality in every sense
My kinks were quite vanilla back in the day. I liked missionary position and a quick make out beforehand with a fine looking male specimen. These days I’m into doing it in a wide array of positions, including the position of going down on women. Recently, instead of having sex at all I masturbated beside a dude. I also learned what the G spot is. Wearing a strap-on is next! If I had remained in a heterosexual union with a guy as vanilla as me, I would have limited my little libido. I’m glad I started having casual sex with adventurous people, including hot ladies.