Episode 5: We picked up right in the middle of that rose ceremony where Clare stormed out in tears before passing out her rose and Ashley I., shockingly, was very smug about it. Jonathan and Mikey were sent home, even though they warned Juelia that Joe was just trying to hold out for someone else. While Juelia was gushing about her feelings for Joe, he was dreaming about Samantha… and then guess who walked in with a date card? Samantha (who, incidentally, had eyes for Joe, too). As soon as she walked in she went straight for Joe who gladly accepted, leaving doting Juelia in tears. Some boy drama started brewing when Joe lied to Jared about talking to Samantha prior to the show (Tanner, knower of all Bachelor happenings, confirmed this fact).
Samantha and Joe went on their date, which consisted of a photo shoot for People Magazine on “hot bodies,” which got pretty steamy right off the bat, but, even though Joe has been a total douche this season (where was this villain last season?), he and Samantha had some undeniable chemistry and their shoot looked preeeeetttyyyyy sexy. Joe decided after his date that he was going to just avoid talking to Juelia and being upfront, against Jared (Love-man’s) urging. There was this really awkward exchange with Clare and a raccoon while Jade and Tanner continued to smooch their way through Paradise and Carly was waiting for Kirk to make his “move.” Carly took Kirk on her date while Ashley S. consulted the bartender, Jorge, on her relationship with Dan and Dan questioned his compatibility with her. And just when you thought there was no more room, we saw Megan from Chris’ season (the girl that thought Santa Fe was another country) walking around Mexico looking for a “sobrero” and the hotel. Carly’s happy bubble was slowly deflating as Kirk questioned their relationship on their date, but she perked up when she called her brother on their date who had just gotten married (she missed the wedding). After that, Kirk decided he was pushing Carly away for no good reason and went with his heart instead, so they finished the night off with a “bang” instead. Dan and Ashley S. had a serious conversation where he basically said it’s all moving too fast (recurring theme of the guys in the episode) and Ashley S. basically said she was leaving if they were done.
Finally Megan arrived with a date card and asked JJ to go with her, waking him up from his bear-like slumber. This episode ended with everyone confronting Joe (including Juelia), but his IDGAF attitude just made the conversation go ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE. That is until Juelia told Joe she had to fill her friend Samantha in on what happened. Dun dun dunnnnn.
Episode 6: The episode picked up with Juelia telling Samantha what had transpired between her and Joe, thinking she was doing her girl a solid. Samantha pulled a double-cross and told Juelia that it wasn’t fair to explain the situation without Joe there to defend himself (wait, what?), disrespecting their friendship HARD. Samantha and Joe had a weird conspiring moment when they thought the cameras weren’t looking, trying to get their story straight of how well they knew each other prior to the show and weather or not they were plotting and scheming to meet up in Paradise. Amber showed up and asked Dan on a date and he thought he was being a gentleman when he said he had to talk to Ashley S. first after breaking up with her only the night before. Ashley S. did her crazy eyes thing from her last season and her and Juelia had a crying moment together (the other theme of the episode), but Dan went on the date with Amber where they did a significant amount of smooching. JJ confronted Joe about the whole Juelia situation (because, in the words of the guys, you can’t do that to a widow single mother–UM, YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT TO ANY WOMAN, GUYS). IDGAF Joe (his new name) went on and on about how it’s no one’s business and everyone should leave it alone and blah, blah, blah and we all just sat and watched and wondered where the sweet Southern boy from Kaitlyn’s season went.
Then, because this show likes to torment us (looking at you, ABC), we were once again left without a rose ceremony or any sense of resolution. Until next week.
Coming up roses: Kirk (from Carly), Dan (from Ashley S.), Tanner (from Jade), Joshua (from Tenley), Jared (from Ashley I.), JJ (from Clare) and Joe (from Juelia) from last week
Paradise pairings: Samantha & Joe, Jade & Tanner, Carly & Kirk, Ashley S. & Dan, Tenley & Joshua, Megan & JJ, Amber & Dan
Kiss count: Samantha & Joe, Jade & Tanner, Carly & Kirk, Amber & Dan (Episode “ 4; Season “ 15)
Hookup count: Carly & Kirk
Cry count: Clare, Juelia, Ashley S. (Episode “ 2; Season “ 11)
Catfight count: Joe and EVERYONE (Episode “ 1; Season “ 2)