Oh hi! I didn’t see you there. JK, I can’t see you at all because I’m typing this on my laptop in my room, and not even my cat is with me because somebody prefers his army print bed with all the toys to my company.
But I digress.
The holidays are upon us, which means we’re all going to be talking to people we probably don’t see very often (and in some cases, that’s for good reason because their political and pop cultural opinions are offensive and wrong). And since there are approximately 3.14 things you can speak to your family about without a subsequent yelling match, the holidays are a lost cause, right?
Wrong. So wrong. You’ve never been more wrong in your life.
In fact, you are so wrong that below these very words are the safe topics to discuss with everyone. Everyone. Literally any person. Don’t believe me? [Puts on sunglasses to hide dark, holiday-deadline-induced circles] Just watch.
1) Hi, how are you?
2) That’s terrific. You into Christmas music?
3) The radio plays way too much Christmas music
4) The radio isn’t playing nearly enough Christmas music
5) The damn parking lot at that god-foresaken mall is a nightmare
6) What’s up with all the trucks?
7) This weather, man (do not say “Global Warming”)
8) But so nice not to have to shovel!
9) Oh man though I wish I’d brought an umbrella [laughs]
10) This turkey is delicious, Dorothy
11) Seriously, what did you use on this turkey? So moist!
12) Seconds? You got it! How about thirds?
13) I’m SO FULL
14) …But not full enough for pie! [smiles]
15) Oh man though prices are crazy these days
16) Just crazy
17) Ha ha ha ahhhhh . . .
18) That is a terrific scarf, Marion, I’m serious
19) Where did you get that scarf?
20) God, they have such great sales
21) You guys think the Jays will go to the post-season this year?
21) The Leafs, though, am I right? (Do not commit to a stance on the Leafs)
23) Oh, I love this! (These people did not have to buy you jack shit — you take the present and you be grateful, you little jerk)
24) Home Alone’s on!
25) Kevin McAllister is for sure a sociopath
26) No, no, I was just joking — I know he’s just a kid
27) Even though kids can totally be sociopaths
28) I mean, some of them can, I’m serious Uncle Rob, my friend’s a nurse and she had an 11-year-old sociopath come through–
29) Well they test for something like three years
30) Yes, you can test for that
31) A psychologist
32) No, I didn’t make that up
24) Marion, that scarf, though
25) Just a terrific scarf