You guys. HASHTAG YOU GUYS. We are the worst. Repeat: HASHTAG WE ARE THE WORST. Have you ever used a hashtag unironically? HASHTAG HAVE YOU? Are you already closing this browser and cursing my name and my family and my unrelenting self-awareness? Good. Good! That is the reaction we're supposed to get from all of this. We need to be aware of how ridiculous we are.
Because oh boy, are we ever ridiculous. Case in point: a video (see below) in which Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake use hashtags in a conversation the way we do on Twitter, but in real life. HASHTAG: we need to quit the internet for one thousand years. HASHTAG: we don't deserve the laughter or joy this video brings us. HASHTAG: I can't stop please somebody help me there's now way out am I screaming into a void noooooo.
Yes. But for real, maybe it's time we really brought this issue to the surface: what are we doing, why are we doing it, what's wrong with us, help. At what point did we start hashtagging everything? See also: is there anything worse than somebody who uses a hashtag when they're a) not watching Breaking Bad/an awards show and b) serious?
SERIOUS HASHTAGGERS, WHO ARE YOU. PRESENT YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY. This is your fault. You did this to us. Well, you did this and we did it when we first got Twitter and hashtagged everything. Do you guys remember #winning? What about #tigerblood? What about my good friend Rebecca Black, and #Friday #Friday #GottaGetDownOn #Friday? You did that. We all did that. All of us have desicrated the holy grail of 140 characters, and are now the Fail Whales we've come to despise.
Well goodnight, sweet Whales. We deserve all the mocking we get. We deserve it every time we write #TGIF or #Great or #Good or I don't know what you guys hashtag because I only use them when they're part of a game. See, that's okay, everyone: we can laugh at hashtags through games and involvement. But the second things get real? We're out. Gone. Leave the lesser users to it. Leave those who haven't seen this video and aren't laughing and feeling like they're in on the joke. Because they're not, my friends — we are. This is our joke. This is our Twitter. Do you HASHTAG HEAR ME.