Oh, hey there! Okay, so we made it to episode four, which is usually when the no-names start to get voted out and the real contenders make their mark more than ever. This is where it gets really, really good. Let’s look back, shall we?
1. We picked up where we left off with the pool party/pre-rose ceremony. Vanessa and Nick were still chatting and, having already “lead with her sexuality,” Corinne was MIA. When two girls approached her (her friends, names TBD (or not)) explaining how the bouncy castle looked to everyone else, Corinne dropped the best line in Bachelor history, considering her own context, “I’m not privileged in any way shape or form.” YEAH, TOTALLY. [Editor’s note: I’m equal parts appalled that I’m talking about a grown(ish) woman going on a bouncy castle and upset that I haven’t been in a bouncy castle in decades.]
2. During the rose ceremony, everyone was really surprised when Corinne got a rose.
3. Chris Harrison sent the remaining girls packing for a trip around the world, with their first stop being… Nick’s hometown? (What episode is this?)
4. When the crew arrived in Milwaukee (I spelled that correctly on the first try — someone get me a cookie), they introduced a solo date right away, giving Danielle some one-on-one time in Nick’s hometown. Of course, when you’re walking around in your hometown you’re bound to run into your ex while filming, right? Right.
5. Nick and Danielle saw Nick’s ex Amber on their stroll and the three sat down together, giving Danielle to ask the question we all really want to know the answer to (I mean, not really… this is like his fourth run): “Why do you think he’s still on the market?” (SO MANY THEORIES.) Amber had nothing but sweet things to say, stating simply that he just hasn’t found the right person for him (d’aww). Later, they went to another live musical performance (WHY?!) and then Nick gave Danielle a rose, but not before he asked her about an embarrassing story, cuing “when was the last time you went grocery shopping in your sweatpants?” (UMMMMM every fucking Sunday, that’s when.)
6. On the group date with the remaining ladies (minus Raven who got the last one-on-one), the ladies went to meet Nick at a dairy farm where they were doing some farm work and Corinne was not having it. First, she wanted to go to a spa that served tacos (where is this magical land?), then she wanted sushi after having to shovel “poopy” around.
7. Later in the group date, some of the girls (hi, Sarah! I just learned your name because you’re super-cool!) aired out their grievances towards Corinne, namely that her nap during the rose ceremony was disrespectful, and that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln also took naps, so, like everyone chill (#maturity). Kristina called Corinne on even more of her shit and Corinne got mad and stomped off complaining that this basically means war and they’re fighting for a fiancé©, not a pickle (in case you were in any way confused about the concept of the show).
” Trent (@BarstoolTrent) January 24, 2017
8. Raven had her solo date with Nick where she got to hang with Nick’s family (INCLUDING BELLA!!!). They watched Bella’s soccer game where Mr. Viall commented on how unusual Raven’s name is and then they all went rollerskating where Bella and Raven bonded a bit while Sixpence None The Richer played “Kiss Me” in the background.
9. Later in the date, Nick asked Raven about her last relationship, which ended with her ex cheating and her walking in on them mid-coitus. “I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven explained, while Nick looked just a little too excited over the details.
bachelor contestant: i literally bashed my ex boyfriends head in with a stiletto
the bachelor: wow thank you for sharing your soul with me
” Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) January 24, 2017
10. At the cocktail party, everyone got all riled up when Danielle (who has a rose) stole Nick BECAUSE THIS HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
11. Corinne decided to confront Taylor and the two had one of the most mature conversations to date. Like, actually.
Taylor: you’re not intelligent
Corrine: you’re an idiot
Taylor: no you are
Corrine: no you are
Taylor: no you
Corrine: no you#TheBachelor
” monika markovinovic (@heyitsmonika) January 24, 2017
And, with that, we closed our laptops and ate some sushi and tacos and then took a nap.