How Dare You Keep “Riverdale” From Me

On Friday, I stayed in because I am a cool, independent woman who had spent way too much time at the mall earlier. And on evenings in, I usually promise I’ll watch a movie I’ve never seen or a show I’ve been meaning to and then I find a Ghost Adventures marathon on TV and make peace with my destiny.

But not this time.

No, on Friday I took a chance. I watched Riverdale.

And holy shit you guys, what the fuck. First, I hate you for not telling me about this show sooner. Second, I’m well aware you told me about it sooner and I ignored you, and that isn’t the point. Third, I care more about this show than I care about must real people I know and I feel fine about having a crush on Cole Sprouse because he is 24, and I am 31 and honestly that’s not that weird if, say, we wanted to try dating for a while I AM JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE. I know we’re not destined for marriage, no one here’s pretending.

But oh man, wow. Okay, let me dial it back. If you haven’t seen the show before, here’s what it’s about: LOLOL how dare you assume I will just get into the basics of a masterpiece this quickly. You know Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica? Great. Put them into a show that’s the love child of Veronica Mars and Twin Peaks and maybe a dash of The O.C. Excellent. But now throw Luke Perry into the mix and Skeet Ulrich and a little bit of Dawson’s Creek season one, and you have yourself the only thing I truly care about now. So in case you’re not sold yet, here are the reasons why you should leave work early and watch Riverdale right now:

  • It is the best show in the world for real, I swear to you
  • Betty and Veronica are the Summer and Marissa of 2017, only a million times better and also smarter
  • Skeet Ulrich plays . . . actually you know what? I can’t tell you who he plays because it will ruin everything, but when you first see him, know that I wept during that entire scene
  • Cole Sprouse is a revelation
  • Also he is very cute and I can’t tell if I’m in love with Jughead the character or Cole Sprouse the person
  • Archie Andrews is way cooler here than he ever was in the comics, I swear
  • Kevin Keller’s relationship with his dad is so wonderful and warm and great and
  • SPEAKING OF parental relationships, most of them are pretty awesome
  • Minus Betty and her mom’s, which is giving me major Marissa/Julie vibes, TBH
  • Josie and The Pussycats deserve their own spin-off that isn’t the movie starring Rachel Leigh Cook (no offense to Rachel Leigh Cook, but there’s truly no comparison here)
  • Molly Ringwald is going to play Archie’s mom, according to this piece I am reading as I type this, so honestly what is your problem if you’re still avoiding this show
  • And did I mention Luke Perry plays Archie’s dad? Because if I did, I don’t care I will drive to your house and shout it at your house if you’re pretending not to care
  • IT IS A MURDER MYSTERY — do I have your attention yet?
  • I won’t tell you who died but I will tell you that every episode brings us closer to finding out who the killer is
  • Plus a shit-ton of other stuff that’s as dramatic as it is compelling to watch (very)
  • Like a teacher-student relationship that is very inappropriate (to say the least)
  • And a biker gang that someone’s parent may or may not be caught up in (not my parent)
  • Oh, and BARB (fucking BARB) from Stranger Things shows up
  • The music is all killer, no filler
  • You do not need to get or know the comics well to make sense of Riverdale
  • Which I say to you as someone who has never read the comics in her life

So there you go and you’re welcome and get back to me immediately when you’ve started watching it because I will talk about this show all day if you let me. Go forth.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, Archie, Archie comics, betty and veronica, jughead, netflix, pop culture, riverdale

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