When He Cheats

If you have caught your guy cheating, you need to take some time and decide what you want or need to do next. For some women, the relationship is over. They can’t move past infidelity, no matter what.

For other women, time to think is essential. They may decide that this is something that the relationship can recover from. If this is the decision you make, and only you can make it, here is a step by step guide to moving past infidelity.

First, you need to know the circumstances

Was it a one-night stand or a full blown affair? Is there a woman out there expecting him to leave you for her? Or did it never go beyond the sexy texting stage? This is important before moving on to the next steps. You need to understand what he did and how that makes you feel.

Get an understanding of why he cheated

You may want to seek professional help on this one since cheating is often a symptom of a much bigger issue in your relationship. Often, it’s about lack of communication and loss of respect. Have the two of you not been getting along? Have you been too busy with a new career, education, or a new baby to pay attention to him? I’m not saying you are to blame, because in my book there is no excuse for cheating, but if you think you want to salvage your relationship, you really need to understand why.

But if there is a reason that you might be able to work through, you need to know it. And of course, if the answer is that he is a dog, well, you should probably move on.

Next, the two of you should discuss how this cause should be addressed

Look at your relationship and get to the bottom of why he went down the infidelity road. Maybe you need more private time, more fun dates, more socializing. See what you can work out together.  And if you can’t, maybe there is something missing from your relationship that you just can’t offer. (E.g., is he a swinger?) Or maybe you just don’t belong together. As much as that hurts, if that’s what drove him to cheat, your relationship can’t be fixed.

Now, see if you can rebuild your trust in him

It is very telling to see how he reacts to your need for him to gain your trust again. If he’s only sorry he got caught, not sorry he was cheating, get rid of him. But if he acknowledges that he has done a major wrong and understands that he need to work on getting you to trust him again, that’s a good start.

Examine your heart and decide if you can really forgive

If you just say you forgive him but you haven’t and know you never will, you need to break it off. If you know you will constantly throw this back in his face every time you are angry, that you will be suspicious every time he works late or glances at his cell phone, do the best thing for yourself and stop seeing him.

Give yourself time to get over his infidelity

Don’t expect to take a few days to think it over, accept his apology and move on. You will be angry, hurt, sad, insecure and a host of other emotions. You need to work through these feelings and he, as the cause of these emotions, needs to understand and help you through them.

If you feel your relationship is worth saving, give yourself time to heal. 

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R-_When_he_Cheats_150_x_150.jpg

Tags: another woman, cheat, cheating, counselling, forgive, forgiveness, infidelity, Love, sex

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Comments

    • Jessica Cook
    • November 8, 2017
    Reply

    No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your fully loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my husband would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best hacker ; nullantrax2017 AT outlook DOT com to help me check her phone. Now i know when he tells the truth because I receive all his calls, outgoing and incoming, see his whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to justify his loyalty and I found out that instead of guessing, right now I have access to his phone remotely anything that goes in and out of his phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything,i hear everything

    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    i am shamefully and heart broken ,confused ,hopeful and so much still praying and hoping that this will work .i love my husband 18 years 3 kids and i dont think that he has ever been faithful to me i would have to write a whole book to explain it all and i dont want to let go it makes ,me angry to think that someone else will be with him after i have put in half of my life im sad and cry alot i give up i get strong i get happy i put on my carpet smile to make it thru the next day but truth is im dying inside..but i look at him and want to shake him and tell him yo i love you stop being sooo dum stop your cheating
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    i am shamefully and heart broken ,confused ,hopeful and so much still praying and hoping that this will work .i love my husband 18 years 3 kids and i dont think that he has ever been faithful to me i would have to write a whole book to explain it all and i dont want to let go it makes ,me angry to think that someone else will be with him after i have put in half of my life im sad and cry alot i give up i get strong i get happy i put on my carpet smile to make it thru the next day but truth is im dying inside..but i look at him and want to shake him and tell him yo i love you stop being sooo dum stop your cheating
    • sarahlove
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    awe, thanks , you are so nice i know and i am definetly not a horn dog he wanted me to be he wanted phone swx and he obviously didnt get it, hahaha i feel like we could be best friends only if i knew YOU
    • julielovesJOHNO
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hi sarah, im glad ur relationship didnt turn into sex. that wouldve been bad. the world already has enough horn dogs (;
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hi im sarah , our relationship did noot turn into sex or anything, but he did think he could get away w/ it i would like to tell him something but i dont know what
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hello, im sarah i had a boyfriend for not that long but weve been together for a while but not “going out” we were just friends what you cal… BENIFITS, he is the type of guy who pretends he is perfect. but his true colors shows he is a horrible person he. practically sexted girls , i do have feelings for him but there not big enuff to keep him. i hope i move on really fast because from what i can tell he will be moving on in the next 5 minutes.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Wow, bretrayed, you just took the words right out of my mouth. The only difference was we are both twenty two, been together for five years. I felt so worthless after. He had always promised that he would never do this to me because it had been done to him by a previous girlfriend. I did take him back but that doesn’t mean that I trust him like I used to. Now when he goes out with friends, I have to go with him to make sure. Anytime he gets a text, I’m asking who it is. He also can barely give me an explanation for what happened. All I really want to do right now is to get revenge on him and see how he likes it. I know this sounds like an awful relationship. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. But I guess I’m just scared of being alone. I’ve turned into this neurotic, paranoid person. If you would have asked me a few years ago if I would have stood for this, I would have said absolutely not. I don’t know what’s changed in me since then but I sympathize with you fully. Just take my advice and leave the guy. I’m still working on building up enough strength to do the same.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Thankyou for your advice I appreciate it, but our relationship was so much more than sex.. So it’s not about me needing a guy to make me feel beautiful. I’ve lost my best friend aswell as partner, all because of his stupidity. You are right Though, he did think he could get away with it. There are signs pointing to both ways of whether or
    not he did it regurlarly, but i am probably being over analytical now so I guess I may never no for sure. I just know that it was incredibly stupid and selfish of him to do it, he has lost so much and knows it. It would have absolutely killed him if i had of done it & he were the innocent one. I half want to run into him at a club in a month or so and be hanging off some other guy, to show him how it feels to see or picture someone you love with another…
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    To betrayed: He is only 23 and he knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that you say she wasnt a looker makes him more of a dog cause then he did it just for sex. thats a real problem. His problem. He jeoparized and new the consequences but thought he was smarter than you because he would not get caught. He was still getting his rocks off pretty or not. He was still looking at her touching and kissing, he is 23 and you are 19 you are young and should not have to go or think about any of this. Be healthy to yourself and your body. Of course he is sick about this you are beautiful and he feels more ashamed because he lowered himself to a lower person than you to be with with no regard for you. What was he thinking during the act. Certainly not about you. Look in the Mirror you are beautiful and if you think sex was good because thats what keeps couples together well maybe you should go out there and see that there are other people that can make you feel beautiful like you are. Shame on him. Dont let his crying and his misery have a hold on you. Be a big girl this is your life and its just the beginning. You will date and meet wonderful wonderful men. Dont be afraid to let go. Stop feeling sorry for him. Keep thinking of the act and how he wasnt shy to pull his pants down to someone else. I am sorry for being so blunt but it is what it is. Be happy yourself. Lots of Fish in the Sea.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I am going through this terrible experience right as we speak – heres my story.
    My boyfriend & I were together for a year & a half, he is 23 I am 19.
    It was the last thing I ever dreamed he would do in a million years, it just didn’t seem to be in his nature, & we were inlove.
    Together mostly every day &/or night, we were best friends & have so many memories together.
    I am not a naive girl that get’s treated poorly & becomes a doormat, so I know that he felt how he claimed to feel, I saw the love, & we have spoken of cheating in the past & he was so against it (not even in an over the top obvious I’m doing it to you sort of way) which is one of the many reasons I never thought it would happen. EVER.
    I can now see that nobody ever knows for sure.
    So why would he do it? That is the main question of the many I have been asking myself over & over. I know that there was nothing in the relationship or our sex life that would have made him stray, he spoke of things like our future together & how he couldn’t bare to be without me etc often.. Of course I believed him, I felt the same & I knew he was no player before me, atleast not with hearts.
    Infact, before the beginning of our relationship he was shy & nervous around me, before we realised we got on so well.
    The only thing I can think of, is that we often fought, but he still always wanted to be with me no questions asked, & I just put it down to the clash of both of our fiery personalities… still no excuse for cheating.
    After alot of research I have discovered that cheating has nothing to do with whether or not you love someone, it can go far deeper than that.
    I now believe that his self esteem issues, and lack of will to not be influenced is far deeper than I was aware.
    He swears it was a one-off & knows he has lost the most important thing to him, & learnt the hard way. He is a mess, as am I, But how can I trust that it really was as he says after I trusted this wouldn’t happen in the first place?? I can’t.
    There is offcourse NO EXCUSE for cheating, it is a betrayal to your partner of the deepest kind & they say the pain is that of second closest to a death.
    I never thought I would be one to even consider taking a cheater back, I always assumed guys that cheated on their girlfriends either didnt love them enough, or the girl just couldn’t see that he didn’t care about her like he should…
    WELL hasn’t this been a huge wake-up call for me? I now know you can’t ever completely understand or judge something unless it was you that it happened to.
    & each situation is different.
    I am not saying I am going to take him back, I know what’s best for me at this point in time is to recover & get out there and try to experience life.
    I have no idea how I will feel about this situation as time goes on, But if I did decide to take him back, would I ever look at him the same again? I just don’t know that it would work. It would be so different & even if he is being honest & never did do it again, I would still always have that thought lingering, and be so incredibly paranoid (To put it bluntly, the girl he slept with is far less attractive than me) So I think if she can persuade him, what about the gorgeous girls out there? …
    The only explaining he has managed to give me so far is,
    ‘It was the dumbest thing iv’e ever done in my life’ & ‘everybody around me was doing it & when she came onto me I thought nothing of it until I felt dirty and sick once it was done’
    (They knew eachother & had a one night stand [or maybe a few?] before we met & from what I’m being told she wants him) He tell’s me there are no feelings involved on his behalf, I believe that part because he could have had her before I came along if he wanted a relationship with her… & there wasn’t enough spare time for an affair, I know it was just sex. STILL NOT OKAY.
    He also says there’s not even an attraction, which seems bizarre to me.. I guess I will never understand it. Maybe to men a vagina is a vagina & it wouldn’t have mattered if she had a pumpkin on her head? Or maybe just a lie. .
    Anyway I guess nobody can really say what they would do unless they were in the situation themselves… as I always thought I would kick any dumbass who would cheat to the kurb. But we still love one another & its hard to let go. I know he deserves every bit of regret and pain he gets, but all this hasn’t stopped me caring about him.
    Maybe I will have to learn the hard way to really let go…? (Risk this twice)
    Who knows. I have no idea!! But I’m not making any decisions for quite some time, and if i do decide to take him back and he cheats again, shame on me.
    But love can be blind, & when you truely love someone you see the best in them, & ofcourse I hold hope that he would change, he was my everything & now nothing is the same. If only men thought of the consequences to their actions.. (not saying all men would be so stupid, I have to believe there are some of you out there..?)
    Obviously it would be great if i were to move on from him completely. But easier said than done & only time will tell ………..
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Statistics quote half the time. In other words if you were in a relationship for 4 years, then 2 years healing time. 2 years relationships then 1 year healing. I believe its pretty accurate. Remember your going through stages of disappointment, anger, hate, cant believe it happen to you etc etc. It sucks but time is the best healer. Also get rid of gifts, pictures etc it helps. Good luck!
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    How long is the healing time?
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I agree with Maggie. If it was a drunken night that he regrets then he is just a pig. If he built and entire relationship around it, then what’s the point? He obviously thought niether girl was smart enough to catch on and that he could get away with two (or more) girls. And once a cheater, usually always a cheater. I can see the drank to much and did it once and then told you as soon as he was able, but hiding it? That’s not what relationships should be built upon.
    My roomie is a cheater. And she knows it. She doean’t liek confronting people, so when she wants the relatiohship to be over she just starts up with someone new and doesn’t tell the first guy. I harp at her all the time. She’s finally realized that she’s just looking for a bed buddy, which is good, because I’m tired of guys coming up to me asking what’s going on when they should be asking her.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    If it was a one night stand – he is a DOG; if his affair lasted more than one week one month one year, GET RID OF HIM. Any man that is able to go to one woman and then another and have intimate relations hugging kissing touching and sex with two people at the same time is a PIG – his problem not yours. DONT EVER EVER FORGET THE TWO RELATIONSHIPS ARE SIMILAR, he has dinner with both, conversations with both, he does the same things in bed WITH BOTH, liar, he thinks they are both stupid because he is getting away with his bull s–t. He does not have respect for them because he thinks he is cleverer. He tells both they pretty and so on and so on. You cannot love a person that is such a liar and deceitful. Once a cheater always a cheater. Go out and shop and get a new hair style look your best and be glad you figured it out. I disagree to even try “if you love him” no such thing then you do not love yourself. No therapy just move on fast. Listen to Carrie Underwood’s song, its a good song. Good Luck to all that stick around a pathetic soul.
    • sarahlove
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    awe, thanks , you are so nice i know and i am definetly not a horn dog he wanted me to be he wanted phone swx and he obviously didnt get it, hahaha i feel like we could be best friends only if i knew YOU
    • julielovesJOHNO
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hi sarah, im glad ur relationship didnt turn into sex. that wouldve been bad. the world already has enough horn dogs (;
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hi im sarah , our relationship did noot turn into sex or anything, but he did think he could get away w/ it i would like to tell him something but i dont know what
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    hello, im sarah i had a boyfriend for not that long but weve been together for a while but not “going out” we were just friends what you cal… BENIFITS, he is the type of guy who pretends he is perfect. but his true colors shows he is a horrible person he. practically sexted girls , i do have feelings for him but there not big enuff to keep him. i hope i move on really fast because from what i can tell he will be moving on in the next 5 minutes.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Wow, bretrayed, you just took the words right out of my mouth. The only difference was we are both twenty two, been together for five years. I felt so worthless after. He had always promised that he would never do this to me because it had been done to him by a previous girlfriend. I did take him back but that doesn’t mean that I trust him like I used to. Now when he goes out with friends, I have to go with him to make sure. Anytime he gets a text, I’m asking who it is. He also can barely give me an explanation for what happened. All I really want to do right now is to get revenge on him and see how he likes it. I know this sounds like an awful relationship. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. But I guess I’m just scared of being alone. I’ve turned into this neurotic, paranoid person. If you would have asked me a few years ago if I would have stood for this, I would have said absolutely not. I don’t know what’s changed in me since then but I sympathize with you fully. Just take my advice and leave the guy. I’m still working on building up enough strength to do the same.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Thankyou for your advice I appreciate it, but our relationship was so much more than sex.. So it’s not about me needing a guy to make me feel beautiful. I’ve lost my best friend aswell as partner, all because of his stupidity. You are right Though, he did think he could get away with it. There are signs pointing to both ways of whether or
    not he did it regurlarly, but i am probably being over analytical now so I guess I may never no for sure. I just know that it was incredibly stupid and selfish of him to do it, he has lost so much and knows it. It would have absolutely killed him if i had of done it & he were the innocent one. I half want to run into him at a club in a month or so and be hanging off some other guy, to show him how it feels to see or picture someone you love with another…
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    To betrayed: He is only 23 and he knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that you say she wasnt a looker makes him more of a dog cause then he did it just for sex. thats a real problem. His problem. He jeoparized and new the consequences but thought he was smarter than you because he would not get caught. He was still getting his rocks off pretty or not. He was still looking at her touching and kissing, he is 23 and you are 19 you are young and should not have to go or think about any of this. Be healthy to yourself and your body. Of course he is sick about this you are beautiful and he feels more ashamed because he lowered himself to a lower person than you to be with with no regard for you. What was he thinking during the act. Certainly not about you. Look in the Mirror you are beautiful and if you think sex was good because thats what keeps couples together well maybe you should go out there and see that there are other people that can make you feel beautiful like you are. Shame on him. Dont let his crying and his misery have a hold on you. Be a big girl this is your life and its just the beginning. You will date and meet wonderful wonderful men. Dont be afraid to let go. Stop feeling sorry for him. Keep thinking of the act and how he wasnt shy to pull his pants down to someone else. I am sorry for being so blunt but it is what it is. Be happy yourself. Lots of Fish in the Sea.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I am going through this terrible experience right as we speak – heres my story.
    My boyfriend & I were together for a year & a half, he is 23 I am 19.
    It was the last thing I ever dreamed he would do in a million years, it just didn’t seem to be in his nature, & we were inlove.
    Together mostly every day &/or night, we were best friends & have so many memories together.
    I am not a naive girl that get’s treated poorly & becomes a doormat, so I know that he felt how he claimed to feel, I saw the love, & we have spoken of cheating in the past & he was so against it (not even in an over the top obvious I’m doing it to you sort of way) which is one of the many reasons I never thought it would happen. EVER.
    I can now see that nobody ever knows for sure.
    So why would he do it? That is the main question of the many I have been asking myself over & over. I know that there was nothing in the relationship or our sex life that would have made him stray, he spoke of things like our future together & how he couldn’t bare to be without me etc often.. Of course I believed him, I felt the same & I knew he was no player before me, atleast not with hearts.
    Infact, before the beginning of our relationship he was shy & nervous around me, before we realised we got on so well.
    The only thing I can think of, is that we often fought, but he still always wanted to be with me no questions asked, & I just put it down to the clash of both of our fiery personalities… still no excuse for cheating.
    After alot of research I have discovered that cheating has nothing to do with whether or not you love someone, it can go far deeper than that.
    I now believe that his self esteem issues, and lack of will to not be influenced is far deeper than I was aware.
    He swears it was a one-off & knows he has lost the most important thing to him, & learnt the hard way. He is a mess, as am I, But how can I trust that it really was as he says after I trusted this wouldn’t happen in the first place?? I can’t.
    There is offcourse NO EXCUSE for cheating, it is a betrayal to your partner of the deepest kind & they say the pain is that of second closest to a death.
    I never thought I would be one to even consider taking a cheater back, I always assumed guys that cheated on their girlfriends either didnt love them enough, or the girl just couldn’t see that he didn’t care about her like he should…
    WELL hasn’t this been a huge wake-up call for me? I now know you can’t ever completely understand or judge something unless it was you that it happened to.
    & each situation is different.
    I am not saying I am going to take him back, I know what’s best for me at this point in time is to recover & get out there and try to experience life.
    I have no idea how I will feel about this situation as time goes on, But if I did decide to take him back, would I ever look at him the same again? I just don’t know that it would work. It would be so different & even if he is being honest & never did do it again, I would still always have that thought lingering, and be so incredibly paranoid (To put it bluntly, the girl he slept with is far less attractive than me) So I think if she can persuade him, what about the gorgeous girls out there? …
    The only explaining he has managed to give me so far is,
    ‘It was the dumbest thing iv’e ever done in my life’ & ‘everybody around me was doing it & when she came onto me I thought nothing of it until I felt dirty and sick once it was done’
    (They knew eachother & had a one night stand [or maybe a few?] before we met & from what I’m being told she wants him) He tell’s me there are no feelings involved on his behalf, I believe that part because he could have had her before I came along if he wanted a relationship with her… & there wasn’t enough spare time for an affair, I know it was just sex. STILL NOT OKAY.
    He also says there’s not even an attraction, which seems bizarre to me.. I guess I will never understand it. Maybe to men a vagina is a vagina & it wouldn’t have mattered if she had a pumpkin on her head? Or maybe just a lie. .
    Anyway I guess nobody can really say what they would do unless they were in the situation themselves… as I always thought I would kick any dumbass who would cheat to the kurb. But we still love one another & its hard to let go. I know he deserves every bit of regret and pain he gets, but all this hasn’t stopped me caring about him.
    Maybe I will have to learn the hard way to really let go…? (Risk this twice)
    Who knows. I have no idea!! But I’m not making any decisions for quite some time, and if i do decide to take him back and he cheats again, shame on me.
    But love can be blind, & when you truely love someone you see the best in them, & ofcourse I hold hope that he would change, he was my everything & now nothing is the same. If only men thought of the consequences to their actions.. (not saying all men would be so stupid, I have to believe there are some of you out there..?)
    Obviously it would be great if i were to move on from him completely. But easier said than done & only time will tell ………..
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Statistics quote half the time. In other words if you were in a relationship for 4 years, then 2 years healing time. 2 years relationships then 1 year healing. I believe its pretty accurate. Remember your going through stages of disappointment, anger, hate, cant believe it happen to you etc etc. It sucks but time is the best healer. Also get rid of gifts, pictures etc it helps. Good luck!
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    How long is the healing time?
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I agree with Maggie. If it was a drunken night that he regrets then he is just a pig. If he built and entire relationship around it, then what’s the point? He obviously thought niether girl was smart enough to catch on and that he could get away with two (or more) girls. And once a cheater, usually always a cheater. I can see the drank to much and did it once and then told you as soon as he was able, but hiding it? That’s not what relationships should be built upon.
    My roomie is a cheater. And she knows it. She doean’t liek confronting people, so when she wants the relatiohship to be over she just starts up with someone new and doesn’t tell the first guy. I harp at her all the time. She’s finally realized that she’s just looking for a bed buddy, which is good, because I’m tired of guys coming up to me asking what’s going on when they should be asking her.
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    If it was a one night stand – he is a DOG; if his affair lasted more than one week one month one year, GET RID OF HIM. Any man that is able to go to one woman and then another and have intimate relations hugging kissing touching and sex with two people at the same time is a PIG – his problem not yours. DONT EVER EVER FORGET THE TWO RELATIONSHIPS ARE SIMILAR, he has dinner with both, conversations with both, he does the same things in bed WITH BOTH, liar, he thinks they are both stupid because he is getting away with his bull s–t. He does not have respect for them because he thinks he is cleverer. He tells both they pretty and so on and so on. You cannot love a person that is such a liar and deceitful. Once a cheater always a cheater. Go out and shop and get a new hair style look your best and be glad you figured it out. I disagree to even try “if you love him” no such thing then you do not love yourself. No therapy just move on fast. Listen to Carrie Underwood’s song, its a good song. Good Luck to all that stick around a pathetic soul.

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