I have dated a lot in the past three years. Boy, have I ever. I have been on approximately one hundred let’s get a beer things (that may or may not be an exaggeration) (it definitely is). I have had sex. I have made out. I have gone down. I have been gone down on. I have hugged. I have awkwardly back-patted goodnight. I have moon-walked away from a too-much-tongue smooch. I have 69ed. I have liked. I have loved. I have deleted phone numbers and Facebook blocked and Twitter unfollowed and then saved phone numbers again and sent Facebook requests once more and drunkenly hit Follow only to have a panic attack instantly after. I have had conversations about fears, death, bad relationships with dads, broken hearts, complicated exes, social injustice, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, stars, cats, pizza, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, dreams, what the Royal we means and why bacon is 100% the best breakfast meat. I have dug deep into the psyches of my lovers/partners/fuck friends and I have discovered something that perplexes my mind and injures my soul and makes me go¦ BUT WHY?!?
I have discovered that a number of young people in 2016 aren’t interested in falling in love. They’re also not interested in intimate relationships or stable partners (in a monogamous or a polyamorous capacity) or building a serious connection or soulmates or l’amour or marriage or meeting my mother. Now, there is nothing wrong with not wanting these variations of romance. I have been highly judgemental about how others live their lives in the past (I used to hysterically laugh when I heard people got engaged) but these days I’m trying to be open-minded. It is after all, not my life. What do I care if you spend your remaining existence alone? Or that you never propose to a beau? Or that my mom thinks you’re not real? I got more important problems to solve in my day to day. Like how in the hell do I file taxes online? Please someone advise me.
Also, I am generalizing big time here. I don’t have statistics behind my theory of young people in 2016 aren’t interested in falling in love. I have not conducted any studies or done any focus groups or interrogated any persons. I only have my own experiences as reference and it seems that the majority of the people I have gone on dates with are detached from this notion of long-term affection for another. Most of my initial hangout sessions begin with my date saying I’m not looking for anything serious. Prior to a few months ago, I was fine with a casual naked romp in my comfortable bed. I wanted to explore my sexuality and that seemed like a good way to do it. As of right now, I’m not a fan. I’m only interested in seriousness. I want serious or nothing. I’m over never-ending casual-ships where I have to pretend I’m a robot incapable of emoting. I’m over being ignored at parties hosted by folks I’m into and who are apparently into me. I’m over being fucked and forgotten. I’m over being fucked and I think that you’re developing feelings for me and I am uncomfortable and need to run but can we fuck again?
Yup. I’m no longer an advocate of the non-committed spooning FOR ME and I have several reasons for my dislike of this routine. I have a lot of instability in my life. I’m a freelancer. I’m an artist. I’m a renter. I’m broke (financially and emotionally). I have ADD. I have anxiety. I have a gym membership that I bought a year go and used twice. I exist in the unknown realm of the earth. So, I don’t need to pile on another mystery via romance. I’d like to know what’s up, even if it’s negative. This is why I am opting for seriousness in the present. I’m also lazy and dating is EXHAUSTING. I’m too busy to be using Tinder every day and scheduling drinks and then meeting up and making small talk and kinda kissing and then meeting up again a week later and making more small talk until I have bad sex with them and decide we don’t have a connection or I have good sex with them and worry I’m already becoming attached and then I do this all over again with another homo sapien I come into contact with. FYI. I fell asleep while typing that out. Lastly, I want a serious relationship because I am so very bored by romantic apathy.
Yes. I am BORED. B-O-R-E-D. I do not find one night stands exciting. I don’t consider first dates to be a great opportunity to make a new acquaintance and expand my mind. I don’t define casual sex as thrilling or hot or bumpin’. I don’t define anything as bumpin’ truly. It’s nice that you enjoy talking to me but fuck, that is dull. I enjoy talking to cool baristas I barely know. I enjoy talking to colleagues and then I quit and stop talking to them forever. I enjoy talking to MYSELF. A LOT. Seriously. I’m hilarious and smart and sweet. Who wouldn’t enjoy talking to me? Misogynists. That’s who. I don’t feel a rush of energy when I run into that old flame I used to sleep with at that party I wish I hadn’t attended. I like flirting but I don’t like it when I have to turn it on every time I see the person I’ve been dating for months because if I don’t heavily flirt with them they might not know that I am still open to making coitus with their genitals. I don’t like playing games which is why I don’t play them but that doesn’t stop others from playing them with me. I don’t like waiting to text back. I don’t like not meeting the friends of the person I’m smitten with. I don’t like feeling optional. I don’t like being discarded. I don’t like having to fiercely compete for the attention of others. I don’t like not saying I love you when I for sure do.
Romantic apathy sucks and it’s the main reason I’m over non-committed spooning. It’s fine that other folks are interested in never falling in love again, but in my opinion, that sounds fucking terrible. I want passionate sex. I want inspiring conversation. I want intoxicating hang outs. I want titillating support. I want provocative loyalty. I want rousing introductions to the friends of the person I’m smitten with. I want electrifying attention. I want spine-tingling cuddles and life-changing pillow talk and supernatural connections. I want to be overwhelmed with glee when I receive a text. I want to laugh uncontrollably when I hear my paramour make a joke. I want to feel everything and I want to feel it everywhere in my body. I want to spill all of my emotion, the bad and the good. I want to be wanted. I want to make memories that I will never fuck and forget. I want intimate relationships and stable partners and l’amour and not marriage. I WANT NOT MARRIAGE. I want to lie beside a person I can’t stop myself from kissing and talking to and laughing with and fucking. I want this with one person. I want this with a few persons. And I want this for however long our relationship lasts until it has to end and another great one begins.
THAT is exhilarating. LOVE is exhilarating. Sharing your life with someone even for a brief period of time is exhilarating. Inviting them into your existence and opening yourself up and revealing who you truly are is exhilarating. I have had threesomes. I have had first kisses. I have had one night stands. None of those compare to walking to brunch with your love and sharing each other’s eggs. And then taking a nap in the middle of the day together ˜cause you’re comatosed from brunch and waking up and having afternoon sex until dinner time. That is the kind of shit that touches my soul. That is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night. That is the kind of shit that makes me smile and cry and yell. That is the kind of shit I hold onto even after goodbyes have been said. I am tired of pretending that I don’t care. I am an intense person. I experience love intensely and that is what makes me great. The last thing I want is to orgasm with someone who chooses not to care. I only want to be around people who nonstop care. Who care TOO MUCH. Not caring is awful. I am incapable of it. I care about everything I do and everyone I talk to. Apathy might be a form of protection. You keep your distance so you don’t get hurt. But distance doesn’t breed intimacy and it doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. When you’re apathetic you miss out on the least boring parts of life and damn, does that sound boring.