The Sexiest Man Alive is: David Beckham

Hey everyone I know you were up all night worried about it, but you can breathe now and take a second because the Sexiest Man Alive is David Beckham a.k.a. Victoria Beckham’s husband.

I know it was really hard of us to wait and to see who’d take the reigns from last year’s SMA Chris Hemsworth, but we were all very patient and thank goodness because finally: we have the answer to the age-old question of who the sexiest man alive on this planet populated by billions of people is, finally.

And you’re right: it’s been a really difficult year. A lot of men have graced movies and magazine covers and been very handsome and also very attractive and there have even been sprinklings of sexiness, but none of those dudes or guys count because they are not the Sexiest Men ALIVE, which I guess throws out my vote of a young Elvis Presley who is no longer living, thus impossible to award this title to.

Like, I guess we’re going to ignore the fact that JK Simmons wore a great t-shirt in Whiplash or we’re going to forget that Norman Reedus is walking the planet, and we’re going to give this Top Honour to David Beckham the Soccer Man who seems very nice but even told People he “never feels like [he’s] an attractive, sexy person” which I’m 100% sure is not true because if I — even as a woman — looked like David Beckham I would spend at least 14 hours a day running around and screaming, “Look at me!” as loud as I could. (Honestly I’m tempted to do the same when I wear a really great shade of lipstick, so I think I might just have a thing about attention.)

But sure! Sure, we can all pretend that David Beckham is shocked by this accolade, and we can all sit around and take a few deep breaths for once in our lives because it’s been a long year, and none of us could truly get on with our lives until we realized who’d be graced with the same title Nick Nolte once had. The year is 2015, and we need to award men with the Sexiest title because otherwise we’ll have made no progress and nothing to write about on Wednesday mornings after days of no sleep, spent wondering “Who is he? Who is this magical Sexy Man?”

Well the universe has spoken. And now we know. David Beckham, you did it.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, blind-sided, David Beckham, oprah winfrey network

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