Starting the episode in Santa Fe, Chris was ready to go on some dates in the “perfect place to fall in love.” Chris Harrison let the ladies know they were finally going to be heading somewhere out of the mansion and would have the chance to dazzle Farmer Chris with two solo dates and one group date. (Geographically inclined Megan thought they were traveling internationally—poor lamb.) The first date card was at the hotel ready for Carly, who got the first one-on-one date of the night, disappointing some of the more dramatic ladies in the group (looking at you, Ashley I.).
When Carly rolled up to the Hacienda del Cerezo, Prince Farming was right there waiting for her. They awkwardly met with a love guru who was going to get the chemistry going on this double C date. While burning some sage and getting their meditation on, Carly then got to blindfold her date (and this is where 50 Shades begins…) and then touch him basically all over, smelling him (weird, right?), feeding him, all the while kinda freaking out because apparently the girl can’t handle physical intimacy. The next thing you know, Carly’s in downward dog with Farmer Chris doing some adjustments. Then the taking off of the masks happened. And by the taking off of masks, we mean taking clothes off. And by taking clothes off, we mean Carly and Chris got NAKED! Or at least they were going to until it got hella awkward and they just talked instead. After the weird moment passed, Carly straddled Chris and they breathed together but they weren’t allowed to kiss. Seemed like a pretty intimate moment that, naturally, you’d want to share on national television. After their serious kiss and the sex/love guru left, the two hung out and Carly let Chris into her background of being in a sexless and loveless relationship for a really long time. The two had a pretty good chat and Carly even got a rose out of it (no doubt while Ashley I.’s head was exploding).
At the hotel, Kelsey was talking about her deceased husband, but it still warranted some questions from the other ladies because of her nonchalance about the whole death situation. Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Kelsey and Ashley I. all got on the group date, leaving Britt for the last solo of the episode. The crew headed out for a white water rapids ride (blending into the natural environment with their fake lashes and bright red lipstick—yep, Ashley I.) and all was going well until Jade fell in the water, but Chris warmed her back up while the other girls all made fun of her. After the girls got out of their yoga pants and into their dresses, the claws came out and each of the nine girls were going to be fighting for some alone time. And just when you thought there wasn’t enough competition, drunk-girl Jordan popped back up to try and get a second chance. Chris explained that the over-drinking was a concern for him while the girls speculated as to what (or who) was holding up their date for so long. And then Chris brought Jordan in and the rest of the girls gave her some serious shade. Each of the girls had their chance telling Chris why taking Jordan back is a terrible idea. Ashley I. ranted to the other chicks and kinda got into a spat with Whitney about being a mean girl (Ashley was the mean girl, not Whitney). Real talk, Ashley’s concern was that 1. Jordan is not wifey material and 2. That she’s going to be taking up an extra space that Ashley could have. But if it’s meant to be you, is Jordan’s presence really going to change that, Ashley I.??? Didn’t think so. Instead, the overdone mean girl just made herself seem less and less like wifey material (though the fact that she would probably never let Chris see her without her lashes makes us think she’s not really ready for a committed relationship anyway). And because all brats get their way in the end, Chris sent Jordan packing once again. Megan shed some tears (no doubt because she wasn’t sure which country she was in), but in the end Whitney got the rose. Ashley I. was naturally pissed and started pouting and crying even more.
Britt and Carly had some bonding time over Britt’s lack of showering in weeks (weeks?!). The last date card arrived and instead of being overjoyed for having some one-on-one time that Kelsey and Ashley I. would LITERALLY kill for, she started crying because she’s scared of heights and the card suggested some sky-high flying. Starting the date super early, Chris snuck into the girls’ room to wake Britt (with a full face of makeup) up with a kiss. Even though she’s deathly afraid of heights, Britt and Chris headed off on a hot air balloon for their date. They soared. They gushed. They kissed. It was all boring and romantic and made us wonder if she got around to showering or brushing or teeth or washing her face or anything like that? Chris took her back to her room while all the girls were making fun of her lack of cleanliness and talking about how Britt made it clear she wasn’t ready for a family. Britt seemed to be telling Chris something else, which got her a rose, natch. They crawled into bed for some more kissing (and maybe more?!?) behind closed doors, while Carly cried again about how much she dislikes Britt and her manipulative ways.
Britt reported back to the ladies that they “took a nap,” which set potential husband-killer (so many theories brewing on this end) Kelsey on a mission to get to Chris. Kelsey went to Chris’ room to tell him her backstory about her deceased husband (cause never determined… shady, right?) but then told the cameras her story is “tragic and amazing” and got a cuddle and a big kiss from an unsuspecting Chris who just wanted to comfort her. (For his own safety, he’d better give her a rose.)
At the cocktail party, all the usual dramatic suspects were rightfully tense while Kelsey was calm and confident. When Chris started talking to the ladies, he had a tearful moment and needed to have some time alone. Kelsey made sure the attention was on her (a nice change from Princess Ashley I.) by telling the girls through her crocodile tears that “time is precious” and that “every day is a gift” and that her and Chris had an honest and real talk. Did you just vomit too??? Yup. Then in walked in Chris Harrison who dropped the bomb that there would be no cocktail party, just straight to the chopping block (for everyone else if Kelsey doesn’t get a rose. You KNOW she has a knife hidden somewhere). Naturally, Ashley I. was NOT happy but was more concerned that Kelsey’s story was more traumatizing. This set Kelsey, Ashley I. and Mackenzie into tears, but Kelsey into a full-blown (fake?) panic attack. (This is getting exhausting.)
And in true Bachelor form, after a panic attack, you get “To Be Continued,” though next week promises even more tears and hyperventilating than tonight. Stay tuned!
Coming up roses: Carly, Whitney, Britt…
Kiss count: Carly, Britt (Episode – 2; Season – 21)
Cry count: Carly (x2), Britt, Jordan, Megan, Ashley I. (x2), Kelsey, FARMER CHRIS, Mackenzie (Episode – 10; Season – 28)
Catfight count: Kinda one? Can we count this? Ashley I. and Whitney (Episode – 1; Season – 1)
Bachelorettes to watch: Britt, Ashley I., Kaitlyn, Whitney, Kelsey