As we know, I have watched one (1) episode of The Bachelor in my whole life, and prided myself on this fact until I remembered that I once recapped an entire season of The Bachelor Canada.
“It doesn’t count,” I whispered to myself, knowing the opposite. “Nobody needs to know. It’s not the same.”
But, dear reader, it is. And I know this because when watching the promo for Canada’s newest Bachelor, I began singing “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” because a) it was, and b) that Celine song is sick. So in the spirit of honesty and of the revelation that former MLB player Chris Leroux is the new Bachelor Canada, here are all the talking points that I believe will guarantee a rose. Or a love connection. Or ratings. Or something.
Try not to fall in love with me when you’re reading this, Chris.
Here is how I would strike up a conversation with you. (Him.) (Chris.) (You guys get it, right?)
- Hey! So what’s Jeter like?
- You played with Jeter, right?
- Have you seen A League Of Their Own?
- Do you think Dottie dropped the ball on purpose?
- At what point do you think José© Bautista should stop flipping the bat or do you think that’s the type of enthusiasm that makes this game great?
- You said in an interview that you have no problem meeting women but want to meet the right woman. At what point did you decide that a reality show would be the place where this happens?
- What do you think about dating apps?
- What do you think about appetizers?
- You also said that you want to meet someone who “likes me for me.” What part of The Bachelor franchise made it seem like this is what that show is about?
- Who lied to you?
- Do you think someone specifically lied to you as an act of revenge?
- Was it Derek Jeter?
- Anyway, have you been watching the news? Yikes.
- How do you feel about The Bachelor offering an hour or two of mental reprieve during these trying times?
- Exciting about Jeremy Corbyn, though.
- What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?
- Trick question: the answer should always and only be “run through a field of wheat.”
- Have I lost you yet?
- Are you team Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?
- Trick question again: the answer should always and only be “UGHHHH WHO CARES.”
- Can you believe Taylor Swift released her back catalogue on streaming services on the same day Katy Perry released her new album?
- I can, because that is something Taylor Swift would do–can’t believe it’s been almost a year since Kim Kardashian came with the receipts.
- Oh, I’m sorry, am I boring you?
- Good, of course I’m not. I’m perfect. What’s your favourite Justin Bieber song?
- Do you think Harry Styles is making the smartest solo career choices or do you think he’ll be usurped by Niall since “Slow Hands” is such a surprise jam?
- What is your opinion on Liam Payne’s new single?
- Would you ever wear flip-flops?
- What about cargo shorts?
- If you said “never” to both of these, that is the correct answer, by the way.
- Compared to James Comey, how tall are you?
- Do you think that instead of going parasailing or whatever we can just stay in and watch the news?
- Have you ever just held your phone in your hand and screamed?
- What about your laptop?
- Oh man, we’ve been talking for the entire duration of the show.
- I’m so sorry.
- Oh what? Oh yeah, I will totally accept this rose.
- Okay cool, bye!
- Oh yeah, no, I’m going home. I’m not staying in a house with 24 other women, are you kidding me? I’m a grown-ass woman. If you wanna hang, shoot me a message.
- No, I’m keeping the rose.
And that’s how it’s done. The Bachelor Canada premieres this fall, and I won’t be on it. I’m sorry, everybody.