Once upon a time, one of my best friends and I were bored at the mall on a Saturday afternoon (naturally), and after finishing our New York Fries, made the impromptu and #hilarious decision to finally go see Fifty Shades of Grey.
We knew it would be terrible. We knew it would be badly written. We knew it would be ridiculous and also really annoying and irresponsible (since Christian Grey is absolutely a sexual predator). We also thought we would laugh a lot.
We were wrong about the last part. Instead, halfway in, we looked at each other wondering how it was possible to be more bored than we were sitting in a mall food court, talking about how tired we were. We looked at the attendees around us, also bored. We looked at the movie stars on the big screen, equally if not even more bored than us. Everyone was bored. It was boring. It was a very boring movie revolving around two very boring characters. Also, if you can find footage of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan acting like they actually like each other while on press junkets, I will give you a million dollars. (No I won’t, but I will be very surprised.)
So I have no idea what Fifty Shades Darker is about. Or: everything I know about Fifty Shades Darker I learned from the trailers, basically. So here’s what I think it’s all about, congratulations to us:
- Taylor Swift and Zayn singing
- Weird, longing stares
- Like, I mean really long stares
- You would be creeped the fuck out if someone stared at you like this, is what I’m saying
- More masks
- The hairstyle not the sexual euphemism
- Doing it in the shower but partially clothed . . . ?
- A weird boss
- Like, this boss is for sure also a sexual predator but predatory in a different way
- A very elaborate engagement
- BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN CHANGE!!!!!!
- (Except if they exhibit controlling, abusive behaviours they absolutely cannot, FYI)
- Marcia Gay Harden I think?
- Kim Basinger
- Some girl who looks like Dakota Johnson who is not Dakota Johnson
- I think I saw a helicopter, so . . . that
- Suits again
- The clothing item, not the television series
- Or maybe the television series, I’ve never seen it, so who knows
- BIG DECISIONS!!!!!!!
- Hushed tones
- Whispers (FYI I hate the sound of whispering DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT)
- High heels
- MORE! MASKS!
- A mask store?
- Formal masks
- Jamie Dornan taking his shirt off
- “LOOK WE ARE HAVING SEX”-sex
- Not to be confused with the actual type
- Being rich?
- Having a really great job
- A dress code at work, probably
Enjoy the movie everybody and I’m super-sorry for all the spoilers.