I know how this sounds (insane), but I don’t care: Justin Bieber is my son and it’s been proven over the last few hours with his latest Instagram post that delivers some serious shade.
Alongside an image of himself Facetiming with Kanye West and two other pals, my precious boy captioned the pic, “Taylor swift what up” as though he had learned pettiness from me, his mother, the queen of pettiness forever. (You think I’m joking? I still remember an off-the-cuff remark a guy made to me when I was 16 and he was 18 and then I wrote about it in December, completing the ultimate revenge move.) (Which he for sure did not read, but still: I remember. I remember everything.)
So why do we care?
1) Because like I said, I am proud of my wee tiny boy.
2) Because it means Justin Bieber is on the side of the angels (Kim and Kanye).
3) Because look at Kanye’s smile — look how happy he is! I honestly care more about Kanye’s happiness than I do the happiness of most of you. (And you feel the same, don’t lie to me.)
Also, because I am petty (I can pretend I’m not but oh boy I can hold a grudge, and I will, do not tempt me), let’s talk about how cool the Kanye/Kim side of the pop culture divide is. Like, hi: Kanye showed up in Toronto last night to support Drake on tour. (So now my son and my best friend are Team Ye.) Hi: the Kardashian/Jenner clan are our own family. And look: everyone you know in real life who’s been like, “Um, Kim is a badass for calling shit out” are the people you really like hanging out with and the others are super nice but like, you don’t really go in on actual conversations with. You just ask how they are and take an Instagram photo and think, they’re nice! And that’s all. (You know I’m right.)
I mean, no shade at everyone defending Taylor, but, like, I mean — okay, it’s like the Fourth of July party. Some people were really excited to be there. And then the rest of us saw Tom Hiddleston’s tank top and thought, “You okay, hon?” And then were eternally thankful to never be invited to anything that looks like that party. You know?
Anyway, Justin Bieber is my son who I am very proud of and please do not ask him about me, he prefers our connection to remain spiritual only.
Also I have been asked to keep at least 100 feet away at all times JUST JOKING.