So if you’re living in Ontario (hi!), you’re currently living the dream life: you are sitting someplace warm, inside, and wondering where it all went wrong.
I mean, I love autumn and winter (as we know), but right now I am looking at piles of snow, and just realized there’s going to be another storm tomorrow, and this isn’t fun anymore, guys. I want to get off the ride. I want, for a second, jacket weather. Or, at the very least, “can capably drive in this” weather.
But maybe it’s okay because . . . I’m sick.
Like you (JK I am the only person who has ever had a cold ever in this world), I passing away from the plague. My diet consists solely of whatever’s in the house and DayQuil, and with every email I scream “Why?!” into the endless abyss. But guess what. I’m a grown-ass woman. And I have to do work today like a person who is participating in the world, even though all I want is to curl up and watch movies while eating chips.
So I made this for me and I made this for you. How to get through a day just like this one where you are sick and it’s cold and it’s April and none of us know how we’ve made it this far:
1) Accept misery
Today you will feel miserable. There is no way you won’t feel terrible today. Accept this. Embrace it. It is how Ben Affleck felt every day on the set of Batman Vs. Superman. And look: he earned millions.
2) Complain a lot
Because honestly if you have to feel shitty, so does everybody else.
3) Try and get out of things
Everything. Try and get out of everything. Try and get out of assignments, try and get out of meetings, try and get out of plans — see exactly how much apathy you can drum up and use it, use it all.
4) Eat whatever you want
It won’t make you feel better and might make you feel worse, but who cares honestly who cares.
I know you’re at work. And your employers will be blamed when you’re found napping on your laptop, and as they should be: if they really cared about you, there’d be a nap room. And that’s exactly what you’ll say when you’re asked to please wake up and go home.
6) Go home
That’s right. Because the entire Harry Potter series is waiting for you, ready to be watched.
7) Wait for presents
Like me, and as previously mentioned, you are the only person on this planet to have ever had a cold. This means you will now reap the rewards of this feat with gifts and presents and attention and praise, or at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself, sitting here, covered in Vicks. (Which has disgusted my cat to the point of him avoiding me at all costs.)
This is who I am now. This is who you are now. This is who those around us most see us. This is truth and life. Can somebody please come over and bring me the tea I left in the kitchen. Thank you, and RIP.