As of today — Thursday, September 10, 2015 — TIFF40 has begun. And man alive, do I ever have the only guide you’ll ever need, so you’re welcome.
And like, no: it doesn’t include a list of good places to eat. It won’t tell you where you can find famouses. In no way, shape, or form is it a movie schedule. But it is a life manual. It will steer you. It will take your tiny hand in its hand, and then it will dance with you to victory. It might even brush the hair out of your eyes. Who can really say. Don’t believe me? Just watch. (And read. This is a typewritten guide, for heaven’s sake.)
Here is how hold your own.
DO attend TIFF
You did it! Step one: complete. You’re welcome.
DON’T ask people for things
Don’t ask them for tickets, don’t ask them for free VIP admittance, don’t ask them where the bathroom is, don’t ask them who they are and why you’re giving them your credit card info. Ask no questions at all, even if you are being asked what your name is and how you got into Johnny Depp’s private bathroom.
…EXCEPT you can ask for one of Johnny Depp’s scarves
Because he wears no less than 4000 at one time, and won’t miss one, I promise you.
DO stand up in a movie, and yell “We’re all watching a movie together! Isn’t that neat?!”
Because it is, and we don’t celebrate our camaraderie as people enough.
DON’T share your popcorn
Because honestly you ordered your own popcorn, it is your dinner, and honestly I don’t know where your hands have been, CAROL.
DON’T applaud at the end of the movie
Unless the people who made it are there. Otherwise that’s incredibly rude and honestly who do you think you are where were you raised and why are you embarrassing yourself like this.
DO assume that a celebrity making eye contact with you is now your best friend
Because that’s how best friendship works and that’s what I’ve been trying to tell Leonardo DiCaprio’s lawyers over the past few restraining orders.
DO use an autograph exchange as an avenue of asking a celebrity for a loan
Especially if what they’re signing is a contract you had drawn up, forever joining their bank account with yours.
DO tell any famous person you meet that they have their mother’s eyes
Because if they don’t run with it, they’re not Harry Potter fans, and they need to be cut out of your life immediately.
DON’T cry on the red carpet
No, like if you’re a celebrity and you’re reading this, please don’t cry when you’re walking the red carpet. I’ve never seen it happen, but it seems like it would be profoundly upsetting. If something’s wrong, just wait until you get inside and give me a call. If you’re a regular person, cry all you want, why should I care?
DO find out where your favourite celebrity is staying
And then do not go there. Please.
DO find out where your favourite celebrity is eating dinner
And then sidle up to their table and ask, “Mind if I join you?” if you are hoping to be banned from that restaurant forever.
DON’T touch anybody
Like, don’t touch famous people, don’t touch the people around you, don’t touch your loved ones, don’t touch anyone. If somebody tries to shake your hand, scream. Especially if they’re a celebrity because what a fun surprise that will be for them.
DO assume TIFF is your festival made for you, and to impress you
Even if you have been told repeatedly it is not and please get out of the building, Anne, you are a professional and you are sabotaging your career at this point, please have some dignity.
DON’T tell anyone these ideas came from me
I’m telling you all this stuff as your friend so please don’t ruin the festival for me.
Good luck, everybody! Happy TIFF!