Yesterday, a blogger-man took to the internet and to teach men “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones.” Basically bother her to the point of needing to take her headphones off so she can say, “Go fuck yourself.”
No really. At one point dude says to wave your hands in front of a woman’s face until she’s like, “What? Seriously, what. What is it?” And if that doesn’t work, men are supposed to mime taking headphones off (which someone has done to me before and oh boy the wrath the wrath) before pointing to themselves then to the woman as if to say, “I’d like to talk to you.”
But I think the author (“author”) (#LOL) in question missed a very important point — one I think men aren’t 100% sure about, but deserve to know if they’re going to put their best game forward. So here goes: if you talk to me in any way at all, I will end you.
And it really is that simple. If I’m reading a book, listening to music, looking at my phone, staring off into the abyss, and/or am sending out prominent “do not talk to me do not talk to me do not talk to me” vibes, then you are granting me permission to unleash the fury upon your approach.
And ultimately, “fury” is described best as “a cold sentence hat will leave you questioning everything you’ve ever known.” I will not yell. I will not shout. Instead, I will look deep into your soul, find your biggest insecurity, and then acknowledge it with less than 10 words, all while making the type of eye contact that will haunt your dreams on a nightly basis. You will regret the day you told me to take off my headphones for years to come. You will be unable to listen to music without worrying that maybe that was what I was listening to, so you will stop listening to music forever. You will wonder how it was I was able to figure out how you were vying for your best friend-slash-alpha male’s approval and whether everybody knew and were talking about it all the time (they do, and they are). You will avoid the public place where you interrupted my precious me-time. You will ask yourself if it was personal (it was) or whether I am just a shrew (I am). You will wonder where it all went wrong (not sure) and whether it’s a reflection of who you are (absolutely) or what you do (yep) or if all women feel this way about you (100%). And then, if you still don’t take the hint, I will say, “I’m on my phone.” And look at you until you shrink away, sure that in some way I have cursed you and your entire family. (I have.)
So if you’d like to talk to a woman wearing headphones, I guess you can say I’ve tossed out a warning. Or, you could just keep it simple and never, ever do it.