Having used Tinder for several months now, I’ve come across some pretty strange characters. But then again, what can you expect from a dating/hook-up app that’s based solely on looks and not personality?
I guess you could say I’ve become some sort of Tinderella…but believe me; these guys were no Prince Charming.
Here are the five weirdest guys I’ve met on Tinder:
1. The Stage-Five Clinger
Men, take note: if a girl doesn’t respond to your (numerous) texts, she doesn’t want to talk to you. If she tells you she doesn’t want to talk to you, and you keep texting to no avail, she will NEVER answer you, no matter how hard you try. Behold a screengrab from the stage-five clinger from Tinder…and yes…he’s still texting…
2. The Non-Date Date Guy
One guy on Tinder was absolutely adamant on getting to know me and convincing me to go on a date (that wasn’t a “date”) with him. He wanted to do all of this within 20 minutes, as he needed to sleep at exactly 12a.m. on the dot so he could wake up for his 5a.m. swim. (Call it Tinder speed-dating, if you will.)
“I hope you don’t mind me being so straight-forward, and I hope theres enough from me you’ll like to maybe meet for a coffee, a casual walk, or chat,” he wrote. “I don’t like dates because I don’t think I’ll be good enough to impress you and I’m just an easy-going nice guy.” (What a confident guy!)
When I questioned him about not liking dates, he said chalked it up to not liking the feeling of “having to try” when it’s called a date. “I like to just be myself, and not try to be someone to impress you for a few hours. I could put on my banker suit and drive my car and take you to some fancy place, but that’s just not me. I think it’s better if we went for a walk and had a hotdog and just chatted and be real for each other.” Needless to say, the non-date date never happened.
3. The Miley Proté©gé©
I guess I should have known something was up when I read his bio: “I hold the Guinness book of world records for largest tongue. Seriously though.” My shallowness got the best of me (hey, he was really hot), so I swiped right. Let’s just say there’s no non-sexual way to get around the tongue thing. While I tried to avoid talking about it, he brought it up. I did try to keep the convo PG, asking him whether it got in the way, made him lisp, or perhaps increase his chances of biting his tongue, but all he kept telling me was “it comes in handy.” Ick.
4. The Aspiring Musician
Tinder messed up and somehow matched me with a guy in Montreal. In the end, this turned out to be a good thing since this guy was really out there. I have a soft spot for musicians, so when he told me he was pursuing music as a career, I thought it was pretty cool. That was until he showed me some of his stuff. Imagine some hipster, electronica mixed with trance and some really awful vocals – “Nickelback meets Jamiroquai and Remy Shan,” said one of my friends. But the icing on the cake was when he sent me a song written especially for me. The lyrics were particularly horrific (“You know Madelyn the fashion icon….so you go down to T.O. to see if it’s fun….”) and the video version he sent me involved him flipping through a bunch of his childhood photos while the song played in the background. I plan on keeping him far, far away.
5. Mr. Fifty Shades of Cray
Hands-down the weirdest guy I met on Tinder was the guy with the extensive dildo/sex toy collection. On the surface, this guy was perfect: a sexy breakdancer/musician who knew how to spoil his women (yes, I creeped extensively on the presents he gave his ex). I thought I had hit the jackpot until once FaceTime sesh where he revealed his bookshelf filled with numerous vibrators, sex toys and dildos. “Why do you have those?” I asked him. “For fun," he said casually. "It’s just fun, it’s no big deal. I’m just a really open person.” I shuddered thinking about how they were being used and how often they were disinfected when he reassured me that only a “couple” were used on his partners, and the rest were just for himself. To this day, I still don't know whether he meant to be used on himself, or just for his personal collection, but I have no intention of ever finding out. Oh, and this collection is in his parents' house. No word on whether or not they know about it.