Today Drake finally (finally) dropped Views, an album that offers a glimpse into both his heart and his mind. (And we have all benefited accordingly.)
But while the internet is rife with reviews and hot takes and “what does it all mean” (see: what I tweet on a daily basis while screaming directly into the sun), we’ve opted for something a little different. Odds are, you’ve already chosen a go-to jam on Aubrey Drake’s new full-length offering. So, in the ultimate power move, I have determined who you are as a person based on what you’re playing on repeat.
Because while I may not be the 6ix God, I certainly do have a God complex.
“Keep The Family Close”
Oh boy. Who hurt you, friend? I mean, I love hearing Drake compare an ex-pal to a Chrysler that looks like a Bentley (and/or even remembering that those cars exist in general), but who wakes up, pumps up this jam, and thinks, “Yes — this song is for me.”
A salty person. You, my dear friend, are the salt of the earth. (And not in the way that phrase is normally used.) Someone has wronged you, and you can’t let it go, and now here we all are, forced to listen to a track that starts with the sound effects of Disney’s Frozen because this album is about seasons, and you are stuck in winter’s grip.
Go confront your enemy and carry on with your life, precious angel. Because bless your heart, everyone is super sick of hearing about it, I promise.
We get it, you love Toronto. We know. We know. For one day I promise you can wear just a regular shirt that doesn’t advertise a particular sports team or say “Toronto Vs. Everybody” or scream to the world that you are from this particular Ontario city.
And I get it! Toronto’s great. Guys, it’s fantastic. But you didn’t invent Toronto. Actually, Toronto’s getting a little embarrassed that you’re talking about it so much and acting like you’re super close. Are you even from Toronto? (I know you are, Drake, please relax.) I ask because I’m not, so I’m great at identifying posers like myself. So ask yourself this: are you one? Are you a poser? Are you cranking this up in Thornhill or Markham, telling yourself this is exactly like Toronto? Because it isn’t. As someone from Cambridge, I can tell people I live “just outside of Toronto” and that’s about it.
“U With Me?”
Really? This is your favourite song? Okay. Well, you love Tinder. You fucking love it. And not only do you love the buffet approach to dating, you are resentful as hell about a few past relationships that you are taking absolutely no responsibility for. Like, we all have harrowing pasts, man — but you are still living yours. And so, until that perfect person shows up and manifests your hopes and dreams (if they even do, you emotional wreck), you will continue to brag about your party house and tell whoever-it-is-you’re-dating never to show up without texting again.
Even though, for the record, I would hate if somebody did that, so . . . I also kind of hear you. (Like, just meet me at an Arby’s and we can go from there, you know?)
“Feel No Ways”
You’re liberated! You’re free! There is more to life than sleeping in and getting high, and congratulations for finally realizing it because it’s been a serious bummer to hear your stories about doing both (as per your friends, I am sure). So this is your anthem: Drake’s equivalent to The First Wives club characters singing “You Don’t Own Me” in a bold declaration of their independence. And while we’ve yet to see how Aubrey dances to it, know that you can. And you will. Because whoever it was that was holding you back is dead now.
Not physically, but . . . like dead to you. (Please don’t kill anybody.)
You’re either very happy for Drake’s accomplishments and angry about the way other rappers have treated him, or you have mistaken yourself for Drake and believe his accomplishments are your own. So if it’s the latter, here’s a test: is Rihanna sitting next to you? No? Then you must move on. You can like this song, but it is not your song. Your song — like my song — is something like, “Why Didn’t You RT Me?” and “So-And-So Unfollowed Me, What The Hell?”
Which, admittedly, would just be sound effects of us stress-eating chips.
“Weston Road Flows”
Well, this song is poetry and a real reflection of the way Drake sees himself and also his circumstances, so if this is you favourite song you are empathetic in every sense of the word. Because look: being Drake seems awesome. He’s Drake! The other day, his 6ix truck drove by me and I took a Snapchat because it’s Drake and also I’m a freak. But that said, his life also seems super-hard? Like, his friends seem like flakes (according to a few of these songs), he’s always got relationship problems, and he seems fundamentally sad. So if this is your go-to jam, then you are probably a therapist (either professionally or on your own time), and can be nodding and listening while somebody complains about the problems they’ve created for themselves.
You angel from above, you.
You are so sad, and I’m so sorry. I mean, I don’t know, man, like . . . Drake’s obviously using these five-plus minutes to reflect on everything he’s ever done and to lament over his super-unsatisfying life. So, if this is the one you’re sitting there thinking, “Yes! My song! Finally!” I feel like maybe you make a list of the things you would like to change about yourself and then work on them because this is no way to live, dude. Life doesn’t have to be this hard. Especially if you don’t have millions of dollars to distract you. (And who does?) (Don’t tell me if you do, that will depress me, and then this song will be my favourite, too.)
“With You” (feat. PARTYNEXTDOOR)
You are a strong, independent woman who is taking absolutely no shit from anybody but especially Aubrey Drake Graham should that situation ever arise. You know what you don’t have time for? Guys who dry-cry while drinking vodka. (And like, Drake: get it together, man — mix your vodka with some Sprite, and then instead of vodka, just toss some ice into that cup, babe.)
Basically, this is the song to sing in your head every time you opt out of writing back to a text from a dude from your past. Or the song to sing out loud. It’s up to you.
“Faithful” (feat. Pimp C & dvsn)
Let me guess: you would never cheat [smirk]. Well, calm down, we’re all onto you. This isn’t “Proud” — this is a song about the hopefulness of an early-days relationship in which Drake sings bravely about how much sex he wants to have. But also “get straight to the climax” which is like . . . okay, but slow down?
Look. This song sounds great. But if it’s your favourite, you are a person who has to tell someone you’d never cheat before they asked if you would. Which means you probably would. Which means you need to sit down and think about who you are and why you are that way.
You have the work ethic of ten thousand Drakes, or at the very least me, who can’t stop writing Drake pieces. This song is one reserved for hustlers and hard-workers and regular people who just work super hard, okay? Just don’t pay attention to specifics. Like, I don’t know, but there’s also a lot of talk about betrayal here and hooking up with someone who’s already with someone . . . ? So look: you’re either a super-hard worker (congrats!) Or, your life is riddled with drama fuelled by your ego, so please calm down.
You’re in love, you precious treasure. And it probably didn’t dawn on you until you heard this song or read my wonderful words (you are welcome, by the way) and now you’re running in the streets like Billy Crystal at the end of When Harry Met Sally stoked as hell to find Meg Ryan at that super-fancy New Year’s Eve party.
So get out of here! Go! They’re not getting any younger! Run to them!
Unless you have been told specifically to go away and never come back, which means you’ve got listen to and respect their wishes, I’m sorry.
“One Dance” (feat. Wizkid and Kyla)
Well this is my favourite song on the album so I guess, thinking about who I am and what this means, this means you are a very, very smart and funny person with a terrific sense of fashion, congratulations wasn’t that easy?
“Grammys” (feat. Future)
Okay so it looks like someone is a tad sore about the accolades they think they deserve but have’t been awarded yet. Is it you? (It is.) And like, we know: you are super proud of your accomplishments and it’s buzzkill central that not everyone in your industry has recognized it yet. But dial it down, Tracy Flick: you will get your metaphorical Grammy (like Drake) even if you continue getting the shaft for a while like Future. I promise. But stop focusing on that. Because maybe you will never, ever get an award. Guess what: you’re still a person, you beautiful lemur.
This one’s easy: you’re someone who’s fought with a partner at The Cheesecake Factory. And this embarrasses me because I have seen couples fight at family restaurants and literally everybody involved in the situations wants to physically die. So what I’m thinking is that you’re actually in high school, maybe? At the most you’re in college? So you have to go through this.
But also: you totally don’t. Regardless of age or abundance/lack of life experience, nobody ever needs to fight in a Cheesecake Factory. And if you have, it means your romance is doomed, I’m so sorry. Real couples fight in diners late at night, where nobody can see them.
You did it the hard way! All of it! Like, you are probably even reading this the hard way. (On your phone on a bus that’s going over a lot of potholes. And it doesn’t have to be this way! You’re gonna puke, so put your phone down, and return to this in a couple of minutes.) So dial it down, and realize that taking the elevator doesn’t make you weak, it makes you less winded than walking up several flights of stairs for the sake of challenging yourself.
“Too Good” (feat. Rihanna)
Oh this song? This perfect song? What does it say about you? It means you’re alive. It means you’re goddamn living in the real world, feeling feelings without inhibition and expressing yourself in a beautiful and articulate way. It means you have a heart. It means you have a soul. It might mean you are actually Drake. (Drake, if you’re reading this, can you please email me because I have a GC to the Cheesecake Factory.)
Also though it might mean that you’re in a lopsided relationship that would do better as something platonic or professional, I’m so sorry.
“Summers Over Interlude”
If this is your favourite song out of the 19 other songs on this album, I feel unsure about your choices and I don’t think we’re meant to be particularly close. Like, it’s a really lovely song and Majid Jordan’s voice is like a honey crueller donut (read: great!) but . . . easy, man. This track is less than two minutes and there are about six words used throughout it entirely. This can be a song that you like and like a lot, but it can’t be your favourite, I’m so sorry.
“Fire & Desire”
See: “Too Good” from Drake’s perspective exclusively. Here’s the thing about love songs draped in a lot of feelings: they usually appeal to you (or me) because we listen and think, “Oh I hear you, man.” So I’m sorry your heart is sad right now. This is what you listening to “Fire & Desire” on repeat is telling me. You’re having a time, and it will get better, but man alive I think maybe not talking to the person you want to be with but can’t be with would be the best for both of you. Especially if they’re with another person. Trust me when I tell you that never ends well.
You know what? You are Dwight Schrute pumping himself up in a stairwell at work. That’s who you are.
Jesus God, man — you’ve had half a year to get this song out of your system. It’s time to move on.