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How To Survive In A Post-Olympics World

The Olympics are over and there’s nothing any of us can do about it but complain (which I am gladly here for, FYI).

As of today, we return to our regularly scheduled programming, a disgusting lack of ice dancing, and maniacal shouts at Twitter as we scroll through and read in horror as people say terrible and/or stupid things. But, because it’s sunny and I refuse to categorize early spring weather alongside “the last trudges of winter,” here is a short list of ways to stay buoyant in our now-Olympics-less world.

At least until summer 2020. But honestly, that year sounds way too far into the future to be real. But stick with me, and you’ll get there, I promise:

Watch as many Scott and Tessa clips that you possibly can
I mean, truly: go overboard. Watch their reality show. Watch every Moulin Rouge! dance they’ve ever performed. Watch montages. Watch fan videos. Watch interviews. Watch it all, and by the time you’re done, it will be 2019 and you will only be one year from the Olympics.

Watch Queer Eye
I mean, I don’t think I have to tell you this, but you know how Great British Bake Off embodies the best parts of humanity and also feels like being wrapped in a very large comforter? That is what Queer Eye is, but minus the baking. And while we know I love a grim, bleak, true crime procedural, I will say that if you’re hoping to fill the void of watching The Best People Ever do things (see: an Olympics-sized void), you have found the answer, my friend.

Watch Ugly Delicious
Same, but food!

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You’ll hate me so much for this, but hear me out: literally clean out your home/life
Yesterday was a beautiful sunny Sunday, but because it’s still February, it’s not like any of us are going to march outside and go for a hike. (Note: I will never be willing to march outside and go for a hike, just so we’re clear.) So what did I do instead? I went through all my coats and clothes and things and Marie Kondo’d my life.

I mean, not really. I basically only got rid of things I hadn’t worn in a year. But the feeling of accomplishment I earned for doing basically nothing? Terrific. Easily on par with any medal winner in the wake of a Gold-earning performance. Get out of my space, things I don’t want.

Quit hate-reading
I am getting #deep and it’s up to you to get into it: stop hate-reading. This is going to make the rest of winter the worst. It might feel like spring, but it’s only February, and we’ve had approximately 259258 snowstorms in March since the dawn of time. And the only thing worse than February and March? Hate-reading in February and March. Nothing in the world will ever make the nights feel longer and colder, I promise you this. Because then you’ll go down the rabbit hole of reading everything that person you hate has done, and then end up on their Instagram account, and then somehow become jealous of them.

via GIPHY

No. Stop this now. You are Don Draper. You don’t think about them at all. Or maybe you do, but you certainly don’t read their work.

Go see Black Panther
Get out of the house. Now. Go. The Olympics are done. Tara Lapinski and Johnny Weir are back at home. Leave your home and watch a movie that every person who has ever seen it loves. I know you don’t need me to convince you of this, but honestly I don’t care.

Listen to music you like, not music you “should” listen to
Like, I can’t with this. It is the year of our lord 2018, and some people truly believe everyone has to listen to everything or we will all descend to the pits of darkness. The only artist any of us need to listen to is no one. Meaning: you can listen to whoever you want. Specifically, please listen to music that makes the last gasp of winter bearable. Is it 1992 Madonna? (I don’t know why I’m going through a real Erotica phase, but I am, and here we are.) Is it Janelle Monae? Is it Laura Branigan’s “Gloria”? The Moulin Rouge! soundtrack? On repeat? Loudly? Great. If anybody tries to shame you, they are a demon. Goodbye.

Watch The Marvellous Mrs. Maisel
Speaking of which, I have been listening to this soundtrack for about three weeks, and there is no sign of stopping. Also: watch this TV show if you want to understand me as a person.

Buy any colourful piece of clothing
Which I say as a Victorian ghost, so I know this is controversial. But look: we are in a downward spiral of post-Olympics sorrow. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pick up a colourful scarf (which I have done). Buy a colourful cardigan (same). Find anything that isn’t a neutral and look at it and tell yourself, “I look like Midge Maisel.” Or any other character whose wardrobe you would pay cold, hard, cash for. I don’t care. Just fool yourself into thinking everything isn’t bleak for 10 to 12 minutes.

Stop reading that book you hate
If you are halfway through a book and you have never wished for anything more than you’ve wished for a time machine so you can go back in time and stop yourself from reading said book, stop reading the book. Not every book is for every person. You are not a bad person if you don’t like something. Read a book you want to read. Please. I beg you. There is no Olympics in reading something that makes you want to die.

Pay me a compliment
I made this list for you and it’s the least you can do, and I promise you will feel so great after doing it. I’ll go first: “Anne T. Donahue, those pyjama pants are just GREAT.”

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