It’s Like Leonardo DiCaprio is Trying to Hurt Me

As you may or may not know, Leonardo DiCaprio is my unofficial official boyfriend (unofficially) (please do not ask him to confirm or deny this), and yet he continues to surround himself with models who aren’t named Anne T. Donahue.


But then sometimes I’m reminded of why he’s such a beautiful caring soul and why we fell in love to begin with. Like now, in this moment. Because according to Page Six, my precious baby boy splurged on an $18,000 Chanel bag. For his Mum, Irmelin Indenbirken.

This gesture reportedly went down at Cannes at the Heart Fund’s Generous People Dinner Gala auction, and on top of the purse he picked up a silk scarf ($5,650) which was also for his mom. See? No model girlfriends. Or at least no gifts for them. That’s because he and I care about each other very much, and we work hard to make this relationship as secret and not-at-all-made-up as humanly possible.

Now, I’m not going to lie: he makes it really hard. Particularly because in addition to shopping auction-style for Mumsy, Leo was pictured partying with Harry Styles’ (my other boyfriend) ex, Georgia Fowler, also in Cannes while he was vaping.

Like, look. The women I can understand. They’re all part of a massive cover-up to keep the focus off who really matters (me). But the vaping? The newsboy hat? No. No! Why. We’ve talked about this and yet here we are, looking at photos from The Daily Mail and seeing him party in a way typically reserved for a young teen boy or sad divorced dad. Do you know when it’s okay to vape? Never, because it’s embarrassing. (I’m sorry. It is. It looks weird and everyone feels weird about it, especially if you do it inside.)

Also, do you want to know how weird this weird Cannes club night was? Not only was Leo with a model like, half his age (literally), he was joined by BFF Tobey Maguire (#why) and the two had come out to see Steve Aoki (#sure). Like, no shade but also all the shade and also is it 2007 because that is the only time typing that sentence was socially acceptable.

Sometimes I worry that Leonardo DiCaprio and I have grown apart. Sometimes I think he wants to abandon the guy I first fell in love with; the guy who told me we were flying on the bough of Titanic. Sometimes I think he’s just waiting for me to say “That’s enough!” and toss his vape out of the house once and for all.

But I won’t do it. First, because this is now bigger than all of us, and also because I have a Leonardo DiCaprio pin on my jacket now and from what I understand that means something. So instead, I will say this: Leo and I are still very much in love, so please ignore all the proof that points to anything otherwise.

Thank you.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue

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