What Is Even Happening, Justin Bieber?

Guys, I think Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together.


I don’t know for sure, and none of us can. But last night, J-Biebs posted a photo of he and Selena hanging out on the back of a “quad bike,” and while it was old, it begs the question:


“Just a throwback calm down,” Bieber eventually added as a photo caption because the Internet exploded and then combusted on itself like a black hole or death star or whatever-the-hell-space term I can use here and have my point conveyed accurately.

But like, why. Why!

First, if they are back together, what an incredibly shitty photo to post. You can’t even see their faces, and Selena looks like she’s saying, “No, move your knee back it’s in my way.” Also, it’s terrible quality? I could take a better photo of them right now, and I am currently typing this from the waiting room of my car dealership, waiting for an oil change to finish happening.

Second, if they are not back together, how creepy is this? “Babe, I miss you, remember when we rode that weird bike?” is easily demonstrated by texting that sentiment, or even just posting a photo of a quad bike, or even just posting a photo of himself — by himself — on said quad bike. Honestly, even just taking a screencap of a text message saying, “I miss you” would be less weird, and that would be very fucking weird. Bieber, why? You’re a grown man! Learn to use social media better!

And I know some of us are cheering for this couple to succeed, but lest we forget who we were dating as teens-turned-twenty-somethings. (Not me, from 19-21, I was in love with a gay man who told me he was gay, but I thought he would eventually realize he was in love with me. He did not, because, as stated, he liked dating men.) But the rest of you? Guys, our judgement wasn’t great. If they weren’t famous, Selena and Justin would just be that couple that you run into at Boston Pizza when you go home for Christmas and then say, “Oh wow — they’re still together?” [FACE] “Yikes.” And you know that. And I know that. Their true power is in their ability to talk about their former relationship with dignity and poise. Not in lamenting over the past by posting 200-pixel photographs that look like they were taken by a hidden camera show.

Guys, I just can’t. I can’t! I’m sorry. Justin Bieber, you know better. Selena, I think you know better? I don’t know. How old are you. [Googles Selena Gomez’s age] You’re 23. When I was 23 I was in love with a Ukrainian Boy Scout who had no idea that I was even alive. I can’t talk. But still. Be young. Be free. Text Justin right now and say, “If you post a weird photo of me again, I will post that meme of you crying during the MTV Video Awards.”

Or, like, go to couple’s counselling. I don’t know.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Jian Ghomeshi, justin bieber

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