I’m sure all of you were watching the Miss Universe pageant last night because if I know anything about the holiday season, it’s that it’s the perfect time to gather with our friends and family to soak up the majesty of watching women judged and ranked on national television. (Bless us everyone.)
But in case you didn’t, here’s what happened: host Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner.
And not just like, announced the wrong name and was quickly like, “Oh shit, I mean–”
No, like, the wrong winner (aka Miss Colombia) was crowned before Steve Harvey had to stop the presses and say, “Actually, Miss Philippines is the winner, and I am so so so sorry, you guys but I straight-up read the card wrong.”
And so we watched as Miss Colombia was stripped of her crown after three minutes, and Miss Philippines was like, “What in the sweet name of f–k is going on here?”
I’ll tell you, Miss Philippines (and Miss Colombia if you’re still here and not like, totally over this scene and ready to go back to work): human error. Sweet, beautiful, terrible human error that only a human being could muster. And then, to prove that, like stars, Steve Harveys really are just like us, he apologized via one of the worst-spelled tweets in recent memory.
“I want to apologize emphatically to Miss Philippians and Miss Columbia,” he tweeted. “This was a terribly honest human mistake and I am so regretful.”
Oh boy. Friend. Sir. Dear man. Look, it happens. Once, when a customer asked me at American Eagle if we took American Express, I tried to say “Absolutely!” but I slipped and said — very enthusiastically a.k.a. very sarcastically — “OBVIOUSLY” as if the woman asking was the biggest idiot I had ever met in my life. So I get human error. (Also I once didn’t notice when a shoplifter literally walked out of the store carrying dozens of shirts, but that’s also because I was incredibly incompetent.)
But is Steve Harvey incompetent? Guys, I can’t say he is. In fact, watching him make such a huge mistake amongst the pageantry (eh?) of a Miss Universe pageant was oddly . . . comforting? Welcoming? Like, hi, obviously he completely ruined poor Miss Colombia’s night and like, he truly only had one job. (One job!) But also: humans. Real ones! So messy, so complicated, so flawed.
So yes, Steve Harvey truly ended 2015 with the type of viral sensation we tend to pray for during those cold, lonely February nights — but he also reminded us that even Steve Harveys make mistakes. And also, that we all owe Miss Colombia, like, a lot of money? What will help in this situation? Can we all pool our money and buy her something? That would make me happier, personally, if someone re-nagged on something exciting for me.
Maybe Miss Colombia can host next year. Because honestly, if this wrong isn’t written (and it’s always human error that leads to this), she may turn into a comic book supervillain. And I say that only because I know I would turn into one, morphing into the Phantom of the Opera equivalent of the beauty pageant industry.
Steve Harvey, you guys. So human. So all of us. Happy holidays.