Episode 7: Because The Bachelor franchise has been a little lax on the rules of the rose ceremony as of late, we started yet another episode without last week’s a cocktail party or rose ceremony¦ but not before some of the girls were tormented by a rogue crab that was in their room (an actual crab, not the STI, though we imagine that may be a concern for this show as well). We picked up in midst of Joe and JJ’s riff about Joe’s general asshat-ness. JJ talked to Juelia about giving her his rose, but she said she’d prefer he take a chance on love instead. At the cocktail party, Joe addressed some sort of half-truth about his relationship with Samantha, but Tanner, who knows an alarming amount of knowledge on all things Bachelor drama, says there’s more to the story. Juelia tried to say her piece, Samantha tried to cut her off and Clare SHUT HER DOWN. Before the roses were doled out, Ashley I. and Jared did some smooching and Juelia went to talk to Chris Harrison about bringing back Mikey so that she could give it a second shot. When JJ came up with his rose, he gave it to”wait for it”Ashley S. to give her another shot at love, admitting that he broke up with someone to come to Paradise, but that’s who he actually wants. And with that, he left to try and win this gal back. Dan came up to give the final rose of the night, but before he made his decision, he pulled Carly aside to talk to her and ask her opinion on whether he should give it to Juelia or Amber. Inevitably, he went with his heart, sending Clare, Megan and, of course, Juelia home¦ or at least she thought until Mikey walked in and saved the day.
After all the drama at the rose ceremony, there was a date card waiting for everyone, asking Tanner to bring one lucky lady on a date”which he obviously brought Jade”to Tequila, Mexico (yes, this is a place). Back at the hotel, just when everyone thought the drama was going to simmer, Nick (not crazy Nick, don’t worry) arrived with Samantha in his sights since THEY ALSO HAD BEEN TEXTING BEFORE THE SHOW. Nick immediately asked Samantha on his date, but she said no, likely out of guilt, especially since she was talking to both him and Joe at the same time. Instead, Nick brought Ashley S. on the date, hoping to just have some fun. While on their date, Tanner and Jade were offered up a key for a night away from the group, which they gladly took. Tanner took the intimate opportunity to tell Jade that he was falling for her and that he’s all in, which she gladly reciprocated and in the end, they decided to make it Facebook official and became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Ashley S. and Nick’s date was drowned out by the weather, so they decided to get to know one another with some tequila and tequila couples massages instead. After they drank, got massages and drank some more, it was pretty difficult for Nick and Ashley S. to keep their hands and lips off one another. But after a few (hundred) tequila shots, Ashley S. started to become, well, Ashley S. in all her onion glory, putting Nick off just a bit¦
At the hotel, Joe and Samantha were having some troubles when Samantha started to distance herself from Joe (karma?), causing him some concerns since it’s the ladies’ choice with roses this week. While Jared was hanging out with some of the guys, he admitted he’s not quite over Kaitlyn and that Ashley I. has stronger feelings for him than he has for her¦ meaning he has to break it off (PREPARE FOR THE RAPTURE). Obviously, Ashley I. cried¦ we don’t really need to elaborate on this, do we? There were decibel-breaking sobs and you can basically figure out the rest. Oh, but wait¦ it gets better. ASHLEY CALLED KAITLYN saying Jared was OBSESSED with her”really? In an attempt to solidify his spot with Samantha, Joe threw himself a date/birthday party (for himself) to have some alone time. She came in all emotional and basically called him out on the red flags, particularly after he deceived Juelia, effectively breaking it off saying she can’t handle it. After all that, Joe finally admitted to the relationship and arrangement he had with Samantha prior to the show, only to feel jipped in the end, getting played by a bitch (hurts, doesn’t it?), promising vengeance to come.
Episode 8: Don’t you love when an episode starts the morning after all of the drama from the previous episode? I DO, I DO! Ashley I. approached Joe to commiserate in our misery, which worked for about five seconds until Joe told Ashley I. to basically STOP CRYING (what we were all thinking), chalking it up to not being an emotional guy (ASHLEY YOU CRY TOO MUCH AND THAT’S COMING FROM ANOTHER CRYING ASHLEY). Mikey got the next date card, instantly asking Juelia to go with him (awwwwww they found loooooveeee). Joe confronted Samantha about their pre-Paradise relationship, but she was over talking about it, which was ironic considering Joe had just done that to Juelia. Kirk took Carly fishing because he wanted to take her on a date (it was pretty cute”she actually likes fishing so, ya know, to each their own). Juelia and Mikey got to see some Mexican wrestling and did some smooching and talking and it was all going well and then Mikey pulled out keys for a fantasy suite, to which Juelia reminded him it was their first date. They decided to spend the night together in the same room, but Mikey was going to be a perfect gentleman¦ it was the least Juelia could do since Mikey came all the way back for her.
Joe tried to get Samantha’s attention, but she wasn’t having it. AND THEN Justin from Kaitlyn’s season came in with a date card and instantly had eyes for Samantha. (I’d say poor Joe, but SCREW YOU JOE.) Joe tried to deter Justin from asking Samantha on the date, but he didn’t listen and asked anyway¦ to which she, of course, said yes. (Karma? Karma. KARMA.) Just to add salt in the wound, Samantha pulled Joe aside to ask him if he was okay (no, no he’s not. HIS HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE), but she asked for a clean slate, sending mixed signals and playing games with his heart. And just when things were starting to get good (well, bad for Joe, but no one likes him), we were left with a cruel “to be continued” until next week.
Coming up roses: Tenley (from Joshua), Ashley I. (from Jared), Carly (from Kirk), Jade (from Tanner), Ashley S. (from JJ”wait, what?), Samantha (from Joe), Amber (from Dan)
Paradise pairings: Tenley & Joshua, Ashley I. & Jared, Carly & Kirk, Jade & Tanner, Samantha & Joe, Amber & Dan, Juelia & Mikey, Ashley S. & Nick
Kiss count: Ashley I. & Jared, Jade & Tanner, Ashley S. & Nick, Juelia & Mikey (Episode “ 4; Season “ 20)
Hookup count: Jade & Tanner (Episode “ 1; Season “ 2)
Cry count: Juelia, Clare, Megan, Ashley I. x 100000 (Episode “ 4; Season “ 15)
Catfight count: Nada (Episode “ 0; Season “ 2)