I Don’t Care About Your Celebrity Nudes

HEAT WARNING EVERYONE. I mean, specifically: if you live in Ontario, it likely feels like 40 degrees and if you do not keep hydrated, you will for sure throw up and die. I say this as someone who has done the former and as someone who fears the latter, so listen to me when I say keep calm and cliche on, all under the frigid blanket of office AC. (Note: If you do not have air conditioning at home, literally cover yourself in Popsicles. Or, do what I did when my AC broke and lay down on your bed and cry.)

But now that we’ve got that out of the way, the world wide web would like us to take another heat (wink) warning into account: photographs of Orlando Bloom on vacay with Katy Perry. The twist? In the aforementioned photos, dude appears to be sans clothes.

orlando bloom nude katy perrySource: nydailynews.com

AND, LIKE, OMG WOW OH MAN. But also: whoooooooooo cares. Do you care? Do you really care? Did you read that headline today and click on the link immediately because HOLY SHIT an adult man has opted out of traditional beach dress? Of course you didn’t. Instead, you probably felt a little weird (I hope) because we’re really still enamoured with images of naked celebrities who are unaware they’re being photographed. Also, you probably thought, “So?” And you thought this because it is the year of our lord 2016 and we still can’t seem to wrap our heads around the fact that:

1) Some people don’t wear clothes sometimes, including famouses

2) It is strange to take photos of people who are naked and unaware they are being photographed

I mean, right? Like, think of it this way: if you were at a nude beach with friends and some weirdo started snapping pics, you’d be like “WHAT THE SHIT” and understandably so. The media’s voyeuristic tendencies are embarrassing at best, violating at medium, and a sex crime at worst (see: the 2014 photo hack), and I’m super over the idea that a nude pic of a famous person is headline-making because it is played out and boring. Regardless of celebrity. This is some basic-level 1980s shit.

“But Anne, he shouldn’t have taken his pants off if he didn’t want to be photographed!” I’m sure a person is saying. Also: SHHHHH and UGHHHH and no, stop. Stop it now. Maybe he was all about that paparazzi’d life. Maybe he was told there were cameras, etc. etc. etc. I don’t care. I am bored. This is boring. If Orlando Bloom wants to live his life pants-free, that’s his call. As long as he’s not sidling up to me in a lineup at Starbucks, I am not offended nor do I care. Correction: I care only enough to write this piece outlining why I do not care. I am over it. Be gone. Underneath clothes, bodies exist. And if Legolas wants to forego bottoms while rowing a paddle board, honestly I’m more concerned about the fact that he is well sunscreened.

Sunburns are terrible, don’t @ me.

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Tags: Anne T. Donahue

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