Leonardo DiCaprio Needs to Relax

Leonardo DiCaprio wants an Oscar. He wants an Oscar more than you or I want air or water or lunch. He wants to clutch an Oscar in his toned-for-a-movie arms, and he wants to put it in the side pocket of his cargo shorts, and he wants to curl up with it and say “I love you” and he will write it every day for a year.

He wants an Oscar so much that I am thirsty right now thinking about his Oscar lust.

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And how do I know this? Because he ate raw bison for The Revenant. And he didn’t need to.

“I can name 30 or 40 sequences that were some of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do,” he said to Variety. “Whether it’s going in and out of frozen rivers, or sleeping in animal carcasses, or what I ate on set.”

Like the bison. Like the raw bison liver he ate and put in his body forever and ever amen.

And he didn’t need to. There was a prop liver. I don’t know what that means, but okay sure and now Leo is very proud of garnering a “real” reaction upon the first taste of bison liver. He is very proud because he is a grown man who is in a movie, I guess, and chose to do something super gross because he . . . could? Does he know The Revenant is a movie? Does he know he’s playing pretend?

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Guys, what if Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t know he’s playing pretend?

The thing about being an actor is that your job is to play pretend. You are pretending to be another person who is living in a different time. Like, James Franco wasn’t really stuck under a rock in 127 Hours, that was just pretend. (Because that happened to a real man and it was a very upsetting and terrible experience for him.) Harrison Ford didn’t really get frozen in carbonate because Star Wars is a movie set in space, and a long time ago. Also, while we’re at it, Voldemort is not real. He is a character played by Ralph Fiennes, whose name is not pronounced like “Ralph,” I’ll tell you that much for free. All of these examples are actors who get paid money to pretend they are other people in worlds they do not actually live in. Contrary to popular belief (read: Leonardo DiCaprio’s beliefs, I think), Leonardo DiCaprio did not “survive” The Revenant because he is an actor-man who would get his director and production company in serious legal trouble if he was really left to fend for himself for years in the winter wilderness. Like, after shooting wrapped, he 100% went back to his Los Angeles home, where he currently resides because he is an actor named Leonardo DiCaprio. That is who he is.

He is an actor.

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An act-or.

He is playing pretend. But yet, he ate real bison. Like Bart Simpson licking the subway pole himself to prove he is without tastebuds. But like, Bart’s made more sense because we will never think Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t an actor named Leonardo DiCaprio playing a character whose name should be Oscar because he’s so obsessed with it.

Leo, if you can read this, relax.

And since we’re on the topic of Oscars, leave Oscar Isaac alone because he is not a gold statue, he is a man. Just like you are an actor. Playing pretend.

God help us everyone.

Tags: Anne T. Donahue, how facebook effects your sex life, The Revenant

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  1. Avatar
    • Richard Good
    • December 18, 2015

    The writer of this piece, in all of her infantile, uninformed blathering, has completely forgotten actors such as Daniel Day-Lewis.

    This is what happens when children want to sit at the adult’s table.

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