I’m Powerful Because I’m Emotional

I have dated numerous metaphorical robots in my day. Please note that I said metaphorical and not literal. Although I wouldn’t be against having a cyborg going down on me. That’s the future is it not? But I digress. As I said, I have dated numerous metaphorical robots in my day. What I mean by this is dudes who feel zero emotion. Dudes who haven’t cried in, well¦ they can’t remember. It could be a year. It could be five years. What they do know is it for sure happened during a sad animated movie. Probably Inside Out. Or maybe it was at their grandfather’s funeral? They can’t recall if they shed a tear then… might have just been a big frown. Dudes who, upon hearing me say I like you, reply You make me feel comfortable. Dudes who have sex with me, get drinks with me, hang out with my friends and me for a whole year but WILL NOT acknowledge that we are dating or in a relationship or have experienced joy together. Dudes who shake their heads at examples of injustice, but are only able to yell words at sports.

Those kinda robot-dudes. You know the type? My vagina sure does. I’ve gotten my body mixed up with this unfortunate brand of frightened man an endless amount of times, even though I tend to typically date a variety of artists. Their job is to emote in one way or another yet they can’t hug me goodbye because they worry this extreme physical affection could result in my uterus becoming pregnant. What I find most frustrating about engaging in intercourse with these apathetic fellas is that I AM a VERY emotional person. I cry when I see a pigeon almost get hit by a car. I become filled with rage when I witness a person be passive-aggressively sexist to any woman. I get jealous when I play with a puppy that I cannot steal. I fall into love easily and deeply and way too fucking often for the good of my mental health. For the love of god, heart, give head a break for a bit. You’re killing us with your daydreaming about them texting you back.

So, to be making out with someone who is sort of into you or kind of angry about that awful thing that happened or somewhat having fun on this patio or relatively scared of death but they don’t think about it ever really, is difficult to say the least. ˜Cause I don’t feel like they get me, you know what I mean, man? But more than that, I feel I am often judged by these hooligans because my emotions are so grand and I do get super vulnerable and I am basically honest non-stop. I can’t withhold important thoughts or feels or feminist opinions. I am incapable of not expressing my everything just like these robot-dudes are incapable of not screaming noises at balls being bounced incorrectly on TV. When I’m bummed out about something one of these guys did/said, or I’m bummed about a career disappointment, or I’m just bummed in general for no particular reason (where my depressed people at?!) they cannot seem to comprehend this mental state of mine. The mental state of sentient human being who casually weeps.

I think that, unfortunately because of how men are socialized, they’ve been taught that emotions equal weakness. Women are informed at a young age that it is ordinary behaviour for us to be melodramatic but that we should hide our sad eyes so we don’t lose respect or dignity or esteem from the men surrounding us. So, women aren’t permitted to feel because we’re fulfilling stereotypes about our gender and men aren’t allowed to feel because to feel is feminine and to be feminine is to be melodramatic and disrespected and weak. Both genders lose, but the criticism surrounding the expression of emotion at work or in relationships or while living in any environment comes down to a criticism of women. Women lose because we’re being women and men lose because they’re being like women. But, in actuality, being vulnerable is simply being human. Men feel utter despair and debilitating misery, but they’re instructed as children to push it down and away. To be masculine and being masculine is to deny your mind and body’s natural responses to existing. Even animals mourn and get depressed and experience joy.

I don’t view emotions as weak. I consider feeling feelings to be the complete opposite experience. I gain power by expressing myself, at work and in relationships and while living in any environment. I am an artist. I’m a comedian, a writer, a podcaster and an actor. If I wasn’t in tune with my daily emotions I don’t know how I would function in this discipline. I don’t know how I could illustrate the internal struggles of characters in my writing without being able to tap into the same inner struggles within myself. I don’t know how I could display sorrow in my face if I wasn’t aware of how my own muscles contorted to exhibit that sensation. I don’t know how I would be able to turn tragedies into miraculous comedy if I was hiding my sad eyes in order to not lose respect or dignity or esteem. I need to be vulnerable to create. I need to be vulnerable to be successful. I need to be vulnerable to even make money in all of these fields. The more vulnerable an artist is the more audiences will gravitate to their work and be moved by it.

That’s the first point. Secondly, being introspective and allowing your emotions to flow instead of ignoring your many moods will help in processing and resolving any issues you might be tackling. As an anxious person, I definitely know there are some emotions that I feel which are relatively irrational or exaggerated or invented by my own neurotic mind. I always suspect people are mad at me. I expect myself to fail at everything I do. I trust few people and project a ton of baggage onto new romantic partners. I have taken a strange childhood fear of vampires into adulthood. I panic before bed sometimes wondering if I will wake up late the next day and miss my many deadlines and disappoint everyone in my life and be fired from all of my jobs. However, if I wasn’t able to allow those emotions to flow I wouldn’t be able to critically analyze what was happening in my brain. The problem with being passive and aloof and indifferent to your consciousness is that you’re missing a ton of key information along the way.

Therefore, I am more in control of my emotions by emoting. You know what I mean? I can also test out interesting techniques to help me deal with the more irrational ones, like therapy, meditation, napping, exercise, journaling and drinking herbal tea with supportive pals. I know more about myself because I feel everything, and that includes knowing what I want or what I really don’t want. I am indecisive about what kind of beer to buy (currently on a cider kick though!) but when it comes to the big decisions like should I take this job or should I date this person or should I move to this apartment as opposed to this apartment, I’m quite confident in the choices I make. When I was laid off just over a year ago from a full-time job, friends of mine repeatedly inquired as to when I would be getting another full-time job. Without blinking, from the beginning of my unemployment, I replied Never. I mean, at least not for the next five years. I’m gonna really give this freelance thing a go. I might change my mind down the line but right now I have no interest in working a rigid 40-hour-a-week gig that I don’t care about.

People would tell me I was being brave or taking a huge risk or inspiring others with my carefree attitude about work. And I suppose I can see where they were coming from, but I didn’t feel that way whatsoever. I felt that I was choosing the only option for myself. When I imagined returning to that position, it made me physically sick. It was a robust feeling that I could not ignore. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if I don’t feel total excitement about an individual I have gone on a date with or smooched or had sex with, I know I should request to be friends or end the arrangement because I likely will never feel that total excitement. Or if someone I do love or like is causing me unnecessary pain over and over again, I also know it’s time to walk away. As an emotional being I cannot tolerate having my heart ripped out and stomped on every month. My melodrama, as the patriarchy would say, pushes me to make and stand by the tough decisions.

Lastly, being a hot-blooded Cancer (the most emotional of the astrological signs) brings with it truth-telling, authenticity and surrounding myself with people who actually like my person. When I am candid about who I am and my feelings for others, based on their responses I know who I should be around or who wants to be around me. If I confess to a person that I got a large crush on ˜em and they’re like No thanks then I can move on with my life. If I have a problem with a friend and I bring it up and they’re like I don’t want to discuss this then I now know that we may not be compatible as long-term buds. Or maybe we will discuss it and figure out a friend system that works for both participants. If I have a boss who doesn’t enjoy how I deal with stress, we can find a compromise or I CAN QUIT. What I’m saying is I filter out the folks who don’t predict that I’ll be a fixture in their future, and they filter me out too. Without my emotional state I wouldn’t be able to determine who my people are. Without my emotions I would be lost and weak. Without my emotions I wouldn’t know who I truly am and knowing who I am is power.

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