It’s still summertime baby! The season of literal and metaphorical hot fornication. When your mind is all it’s way too warm to rub my privates against another person’s privates but your body is like ORGASM NOW PLEASE THANKS. Everyone is wearing high-waisted shorts and casual white cotton tees and erotic, vitamin-D infused smiles. Good-looking folks are out and about in pairs holding hands and smashing mouths and casually grinding up against each other in parks. Sensuality is in the fiery air so naturally we all have banging on the brain.
Problem is, said banging is never more uncomfortable or more gross and or more anti-climatic (PUN INTENDED) than when the weather is beyond scorching. Humidity does not equal hump-idity. So, how? How do you serve your libido without roasting your genitals or developing indoor sun stroke or self-combusting into a blazing cloud of sex steam? Only by following the below crazy handy cool tips and frosty tricks.
Attempt to engage in intercourse exclusively with those who have air conditioning
This is numero uno on the priority list. If possible, locate an A/C lover and pursue, pursue, PURSUE until they agree to boink you in their extremely chill boudoir. You’ll thrust and you’ll come and you’ll sleep like a moderately temperatured queen.
Purchase a fan or two fans or ten fans
If air conditioning is not an option, moving the air around in any capacity is key to moving a penis around in any capacity. Don’t believe me? Copulate sans fan and note the difference. The difference will be that you both actually managed to finish within three hours.
Opt for cold shower sex
I’m not a huge fan of making the love in the bathtub. I don’t think the look and feel and smells of a washroom are conducive to getting people off. HOWEVER, cold, running water cascading over your boiling skin IS conducive to getting you and your partner off. Even if you don’t go ALL THE WAY in the shower at the very least it’ll give you a reprieve from being in a 24/7 state of on fire and allow you to temporarily enjoy existing again.
Get busy in a public pool
This is not advised in the presence of others (unless an orgy is being had then please ejaculate away) but if you, say, found an empty pool, late at night, potentially involving the action of hopping, well¦ that might result in some real nice refreshing times.
Take iced tea breaks every 30 seconds
If you can’t fall face first into a pool of cold water, like one does in a Nestea commercial, simply drink iced tea and imagine that with every sip you are falling face first into a metaphorical pool of cold water, like one does in a Nestea commercial. Also, blowjobs are much more difficult when one is dehydrated. As someone who is often dehydrated and often blow jobing, I know this to be fact.
Make cotton your best friend
You know how the saying goes. Cotton breathes. Polyester non-orgasms. Use 100 percent cotton sheets always and forever unless you want to become one with your paramour by melting into a single mixed blend puddle.
Outdoor coitus with a solid breeze is the way to go
Wind is nature’s fan and sometimes to get into the bumping of the uglies mood you need to relocate from your bedroom to your balcony. It can turn into quite a romantic scene. Oral sex under the moonlight is a memorable event, just make sure that your neighbours aren’t also on their balconies (unless a street orgie is being had then please openly ejaculate away).
Do it standing up in front of your open freezer
I’m also not a huge fan of non-sitting or non-kneeling or non-lying down sex mainly because when you involve your feet and legs and become vertical shit gets complicated. I find we end up spending more time trying to figure out physics than pleasuring each other. HOWEVER, standing in front of a freezer can be the greatest vacation when your organs are igniting. If you own a walk-in freezer even better. Or! Place a mini-fridge bedside and you’re golden.
Fornicate on a bed of ice
This can be achieved by either covering your mattress in ice packs, or putting your sheets in your fridge for a while, or by placing slabs of literal ice on garbage bags on the ground. I have not attempted any of the above so please if this works for you let me know and write a book about it ˜cause you are a bad ass self-helping bitch.
Just masturbate instead
Then sometimes the best way to avoid sticky, sweaty, excruciating sex is by not doing it at all and going solo. Another human’s body heat definitely makes things worse and you do know what you like best anyway, so if all else fails, spending a night alone is an alternative. But, like you should still jill off on a bed of ice ˜cause that sounds so delightful, no?