I recently joined OkCupid and before this venture I had not delved into the online dating world, minus perusing Tinder a tad. I have quickly discovered on this journey that internet men are presumptuous, bizarre, unsettling, and potential aspiring poets. Their metaphors are strong, their comparisons are gross, and their sentences are structured in ways that make little sense.
I find myself attempting to dissect the messages I have received from these suitors and decipher what in fact they might have intended to say. Some of them invent words. Others send interesting inquires. Certain individuals prefer to get straight to the butt sex invites within the first sentence. I have provided examples of such messages below and my analysis of each one. If you have any insight or if you can read into their subtext better than I, please share your wisdom.
“I lie your hat”
Does this individual want to sensually take off a hat I am wearing and lay it on a bed beside my naked body? Or does he simply enjoy chapeaus and wanted to provide me with a compliment but missed the required K? Or is he fibbing in conversation with my beret? The possibilities.
“wow! I was just outside making snow angels .. it was fun only next time I’m wearing cloths!;-)”
He seems to be able to predict the future. He knows, for certain, that the next time he makes a snow angel he will not be in the nude. Fascinating. I wonder how he developed this skill. Or, does the wink imply he is exaggerating his prophetic abilities? Hmm. I cannot deny my intrigue.
“I once played Jesus in a play, got to say, crucifixion; not a big deal”
I would call this a failed humble brag. He thinks I will be impressed by his acting resume which I am not. It is true that the son of Christ is a difficult role to master, but if it comprised mostly of the crucifixion he was simply hanging there, and that really is, to quote him, not a big deal.
“I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavours”
Thank you, grandpa Henry? Is that you, contacting me from the grave? Or are you an old boss of mine who laid me off? Did I not get that gig I wanted and you’re letting me down easy? Or are you breaking up with me in a polite manner before we even begun? WHERE IS THIS NICE SUPPORTIVE SENTIMENT COMING FROM? I MUST KNOW.
*An emoji of a man with a beard and then an emoji of a pink bikini*
I have no idea what the connection is between the two but I do know that it makes me highly uncomfortable.
“Coffee, tea, or pepsi? Caffeine?”
I am sorry, but I am not going to feed this man’s caffeine addiction. I have gone down that road with previous boyfriends and it always ends with us arguing until 5 am every single night just because we’re still awake and have nothing better to do.
“Underpants… yay or nay? Go!”
In theory? Or in practice? is he asking if I’m currently wearing underpants or if I ever wear them? Or is he referring to his own underpants? I do not like how forceful that Go! is. I will go with my answer when he gives me his answers, thank you very much. No man tells ME to go.
“Wow… you’re huge”
In my chosen field? Yes. I am. He clearly respects my career ambitions.
“Woah… you’re so¦ ugly! SO UGLY :)”
His passion for calling me ugly is undeniable. He needed to say it twice because he feels that strongly about it. This is a classic neg. It sounded like a compliment, then turned quickly into an insult, then a repeated insult, then a grin. Someone is playing games.
“CAN I SPARE YOUR VALUABLE TIME FOR CHATTING”
Sure. It starts with chatting and then suddenly he’s asking me to wire him a thousand dollars because he’s stranded in Mexico and needs help getting home to his wife and children. Typical.
“I’m human too lol”
His need to inform me of this and his out loud laughter screams I’m a cyborg. Do not trust me.
“Hello you seem very funny a good funny”
Guaranteed follow-up to this: And I don’t usually find women funny so tell me a joke already that way I know you are the good funny and by good funny I mean man funny.
“In slow voice of soul ‘Hi'”
This might be the most disturbing message of all.
“Can we do can sex”
Can, as in recyclable? Can, as in Canadian? Can, as in pelican? I require more information.
“Would you like a stalker 😀 !!!!!”
When I read this I pictured an anthropomorphized rotten potato saying it. He’s wearing a toque and smoking a cigarette and grinning from ear to ear. He lives in his mother’s basement, doesn’t understand punctuation, and is incredibly committed to his job as a professional creep.
“Completely baffled yet also strangely aroused by your ramblings”
I am completely annoyed yet also strangely more annoyed by this message.
“Wow how PERFECT”
I smell SARCASM.
“So if you could have one McDonald’s item off the menu what would it be? (Don’t be shy get creative) haha”
McNotHisPenisEver. CREATIVE ENOUGH FOR YA? haha, indeed…