By Anne T. Donahue
On Sunday, the only TV show that I love more than Vanderpump Rules will begin its final season and leave us all feeling as empty as Kendall Roy has each and every day of his life.
After four glorious seasons, Succession will take Logan’s advice and officially fuck off, and frankly it’s a testament to how perfect a series it is that I have no theories or assumptions about how it will end. Do I want closure? Yes. Perfectly tied-up storylines? For sure. For Geri and Roman to finally kiss? Of course, but I’m clinically unhinged. So because I know nothing I assume will actually come to pass, here’s how I’d like to see HBO’s most dysfunctional family (I said what I said) finish their reign. Please just remember that if I’m correct, I deserve dividends, and will full beast if I need to.
On Logan’s deathbed, he reveals to Kendall that there’s another sister
Do you remember the moment in Star Wars where Luke takes off Anakin’s helmet and Anakin tells him about Leia being his twin sister? Yes, exactly, that – only in this case, Kendall’s sister is Jess (his tried-and-true assistant), and he knows in his heart that only she can salvage the burning wreckage of Waystar-Royco and restore it to its former glory.
In fact, that’s how Disney+ finally comes to be: desperate to salt the earth from which ATN rose, Jess joins forces with the only company even remotely as powerful and allows Logan’s life work to be completely absorbed. The series ends with her writing The Mandalorian. Baby Yoda? Based on Tom Wabsgans.
Cousin Greg writes Succession
After the series is tied up in the way it chooses to be, the camera pans out to reveal cousin Greg pitching an HBO producer on the concept of a family so dysfunctional they’re compared constantly to the dynasties entrenched in American history. Then, as the executive is about to give the green or the red light, the camera pans out again to reveal that the HBO set is another HBO set like in the last shot of MTV’s The Hills. “That’s a wrap!” we hear the director announce, knowing full-well that this conclusion was a cop-out of gargantuan magnitudes. Brody Jenner stands in front of a green screen, waving. We are all disappointed.
Lukas Matsson (Alexander Skarsgard) meets his fate at an Audrey Hepburn theme party
Roman is dressed like Rex Harrison’s Dr. Higgins from My Fair Lady. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
The Roy family is revealed to have been dead the whole time
Did anybody but me ever see The Others? Because not to spoil a movie from 2001, but we learn in the end that Nicole Kidman and her children have been dead the whole time, and so have their servants who have been trying to relay this information incessantly.
This is exactly how Succession should end if we’d like to believe that hell truly exists, and it’s living amongst the Roy family. The devil is Adrien Brody in his guest-starring role, but not as his character – we also learn that the devil is actually just Adrien Brody.
It’s a cautionary tale about the demonic doorway that opens whenever you look in the mirror and say “fuck off” three times.
Kendall meets Big from Sex and the City
The SATC multiverse is overwhelming, so why wouldn’t Kendall and Big meet in the mean streets of New York in an alternative timeline. Fortunately for Kendall, Big is the only man rich enough to challenge Logan head-on, and also the only man willing to jeopardize his reputation for the sake of buying and dismantling all the Roy family’s been fighting for.
That’s when Kendall meets Carrie, Tom meets Charlotte, Roman meets Sam, and Miranda meets Shiv. They begin eating brunch on a daily basis, and shock anybody eavesdropping with their stories about love, sex, and everything in-between. Willa meets and falls in love with Aiden, and Connor is Skipper, the character written off the show in season one.
Regardless of end-note, the series ends with “You’ve Got the Love” playing as everybody walks down the streets of New York. Logan’s face appears in the sun like the Teletubby baby and smiles.
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Ha! Ha! Love each one of these. One of my favorite shows! Glad they are not stretching it out snd ending on a high!