I have only ever watched one season of The Bachelor. It was the first Canadian edition, it was entirely for work, and while I was invested in the trials and tribulations of everyone involved, it was mostly because I spent the majority of that month-and-a-bit shouting, “WHY DEAR GOD WHY” at my television screen before beginning my slow descent into madness.
I mean, it’s fine. It’s The Bachelor. A dude gets presented with 20 women and they compete for his affections as if he — a.k.a. Ben Higgins — is the man we’ve all been vying for. (Even though, spoiler alert: he is every guy you went to high school with, just grown up. Sorry.)
But okay, sure. It’s a TV show that exists entirely for us to tweet through and talk shit about and assume those involved have signed a contract promising to be the most dramatic versions of themselves. But what if it was more?
What if The Bachelor was a TV show that included things that made for good TV in addition to things that made for good TV we hate-watch? What if? Well, that’s why I’m here today. Here are all the things that The Bachelor needs to do to make it Anne T. Donahue-approved.
Can you hear me, producers?
1. All 20 women become friends and realize The Bachelor is completely average (at best)
I would pay actual dollars for a season of 20 women just hanging out, talking shit about Ben, and taking all those “romantic” trips together like some Saved By the Bell-esque extravaganza.
2. We see Ben wonder aloud where everything went wrong in his life
Just once. Just one time. “This isn’t who I wanted to be,” he would say. And that’s when he would become friends with the women in the group, realizing they are people and don’t owe him anything.
3. Everybody binge-watches Making A Murderer
Because that would make 21 new opinions on what the shit happened in the Steven Avery case, and I need them all.
4. We see them take normal-people trips like road trips to Niagara Falls and/or getting stuck in traffic
How many cars do you need to take 21 people anywhere? Four? Two vans? Anyway. Imagine that. The most boring episode ever, where they sit there in traffic, complaining about how hungry and tired they are. RELATABLE. That’s how I like my Bachelor.
5. Snacks
Everything we see these people eat on The Bachelor is too fancy. Chips. Shrimp rings. Cookies. Cheap sushi. Live like no one’s watching. Eat like no one’s judging. And good LORD, dial down the alcohol.
6. I am on it
Picture this: I come in, I tell Ben everything he’s doing wrong as a person, and then I tell the other women that they can and should leave whenever they want. Then I take the remainder of the snacks, bring my friends in, and ask Ben to please go because he’s not in our group and we’d like to catch up because it’s been a while. He accepts this, because in his heart, he knows this is a super-weird set-up and life on a reality show wasn’t the destiny he mapped for himself. I re-watch Making A Murderer and continue honing my crushes on Steven Avery’s lawyers.
Fin.
