Award show season is here, and we are here for it, and here we are today, talking about award show season, amen.
Last night delivered the AMAs a.k.a. the American Music Awards, and boy oh boy it did not disappoint. Now, am I talking exclusively about reading everyone’s tweets? Absolutely. Because by “it” I most certainly do mean Twitter — since Twitter, for the millionth time, never disappoints. But the award show itself? Well, I was . . . confused.
In fact, I was confused about a lot of things. And because I figure that if I were confused you might be confused, here is my list of everything that confused me about the AMAs. (And no, before you ask, Harry Styles’ SS 2016 Gucci suit is not on this list because there is nothing confusing about bringing it to an award show red carpet, thank you kindly.)
1. Why did Meagan Trainor and Charlie Puth make out? I mean, I know it’s all part of their schtick because it happened in their music video, but a lot of things happen in music videos. Like, a lot of things. (See: any video where you’re left upset/disturbed/angry and/or there’s a viewer discretion warning.) But alas, here we are, watching these two ca-ray-zay kids make out like they’re at the top of the Titanic and the world’s about to end. I don’t know why. No one knows why. Do they know why? Probably not.
2. Jennifer Lopez danced to every song that came out this year because okay sure. “Tonight isn’t about me” is a thing she said before this happened, so now I am very curious about what a night that is about her looks like.
3. Jeremy Renner presented the biggest award of the night. I guess because he is very powerful in the music industry.
4. Nicki Minaj wasn’t here for any of it. Like, she was, but she also seemed annoyed in exactly the way I felt annoyed realizing that this award show rivals the runtime of the Oscars. So, actually, I’m not so much confused as I am even more aware that Nicki and I are probably kindred spirits who understand award shows should never, ever surpass two hours.
5. The E! red carpet pre-show. At one point Giuliana Rancic asked One Direction if they used Uber or LinkedIn, so I’m thinking it’s time we either start asking questions about world politics or just have the talent scream the designer they’re wearing into the camera as they walk by.
6. No one actually said the award winners’ names? Which is fine, I guess, sure, but it made Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner’s bit look like something they came up with on their way out to present the award. “The only thing we fight over is who gets to say the winner’s name” is a thing they said. But nobody said the name of any winner, so this joke died before it was even delivered unto the world. Gigi, Kendall, it’s not your fault.
Or was it Kylie? ONE OF THE JENNER CHILDREN. Don’t worry about it. Everyone looked nice, goddess bless.
7. For reasons nobody understands, the camera only captured regular people dancing to famous people singing last night. Regular people are great and I say this because I am a regular person, but we watch to see famouses dance and then gif the shit outof them. Do not deprive us of gifs. Especially since right now all we have is one of Meghan Trainor making out with Charlie Puth.
8. Prince’s sunglasses confused me because I want a pair and I am confused as to wear I find them.
9. The Weeknd won more than one award, and that’s fine, but where was Drake? I am confused as to where Drake was. I am confused as to where Drake is right now. Is Drake with one of you guys? Is he reading this, currently? Why didn’t Drake win anything? Drake if you’re out there, comment on this and leave your phone number and I’ll call you in a second.
10. DID GIGI HADID CUT HER HAIR INTO A B– no, I can’t. I’m sorry, I don’t care. I just don’t. I wish I cared. I think I’m supposed to care about Gigi Hadid’s hair, but I can’t do it I just can’t. There isn’t enough strength left in me to wonder about what Gigi Hadid did or did not do to her hair. Maybe she cut it. Sure. Okay! We’ve all made that choice. Maybe she tucked it under and it’s a fake bob. Also, great. Congrats. We worked hard. But I can’t. I don’t. No.
Maybe I am just confused by Gigi Hadid. Probably because I know that out of all the celebrities out there, she would enjoy live-tweeting an award show the least. And that, my friends, confuses me.
