Ever since Barbie hit the big screen we’ve been equally quoting America Ferrera’s character Gloria’s monologue to anyone who hasn’t seen the movie and will listen to us, so mostly our cats, as we have been hot rollering the hell out of our hair with Conair Xtreme Instant Heat Hot Rollers.
Reminiscent of the set we used in the ’90s, this upgraded Barbie-pink version gives us all the feel-good vibes of our past and the glossy curls we want stat. The kit’s 20 multi-sized flocked rollers offer everything from corkscrew curls to extra volume, but we seem to favour using the six, one and a quarter-inch jumbo rollers that leave us with smooth beachy waves. In less than five minutes too, because that’s literally how long it takes to heat up the rollers and clips, grab a few strands, wrap them around a roller, clip it into our hair, let the magic happen, remove the clip and roller and smile.
A Margot Robbie toothy smile too, because we have tourmaline ceramic (TC) technology to thank for how easy it all is. And yes, we know, the TC tech term means pretty much nothing to non-hairdressers and beauty writers, so here’s the Coles Notes (which, btw, was the ’90s version of Wiki). Hair tools, like hot rollers, that are made with TC technology provide an even distribution of heat to the hair without zapping its natural moisture. This means we have more control over our hair’s style and health. Moisture is, locked in, frizz, static and flyaways are locked out.
All we have to do is plug the hairsetter kit in, close the lid, watch the red light turn on, wait for the ready dot on the roller to turn transparent white, start rolling our clean and dry hair and unplug the kit when we’re done. Leaving us plenty of time to type up Gloria’s monologue for anyone who wants to read it, because it’s just that good.
Conair Conair Xtreme Instant Heat Hot Rollers, from $39.97, available at Walmart Shoppers Drug Mart.
BTW… Here’s Gloria’s monologue in its entirety:
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.