Well, spring is here. And that's fine — I can deal with spring because I'm not a monster. I don't want to freeze to death or drive in a snowstorm or shovel my driveway only to have it comepletely snow-covered by the time I'm done. All of those things are horrible, yes, but I'm sorry, they're still not as horrible as summer as a whole. Yes, you read it here: I hate summer.
I HATE IT.
I hate summer so much that by the time March rolls around all I can think about what's coming and how there's nothing I can do to stop it (and I get bummed out the way most people do in November). We are WEEKS away from it and us being too warm, and days away humidity making the sidewalk feel like soup, and hours away from feeling sick if we don't drink a bottle of water for every city 13 steps walked. Soon, we will rely on air conditioning, and every single piece of clothing we wear will feel like the wrong choice, and people will want to go to the beach. I hate the beach. I hate the beach so much that I don't own a swimsuit because I never want to have to feel like I should be at the beach. No. You can find me in a movie theatre or someplace drinking something cold, or maybe in the shade, but never at the beach. (What am I supposed to do at a beach? Get sunburned? Go in the water? NO THANKS. Because I have another confession: I hate water, too.) (Correction: unless it's in a pool. If I can see the bottom, we're cool. If I can't, I will politely sit where the shade is like a mother who could not care less and wave all, "Yes, kids! I see you! Congratulations!")
And I know I'm not alone because my best friend and I talk about how much we hate what's coming on a regular basis. So for you kindred spirits, I've assembled this list. How to prepare for the summer of our discontent. Or: how I learned to stop worrying and just start saving for a house in England or something.
1. Begin applying SPF 50 now
Start now, my fair-skinned friends. Last year my arm got sunburned because I was driving a car. Yes, like a freak, I GOT SUNBURNED DRIVING A CAR. What is that about?! Currently I've sculpted a bed out of SPF one million, and I sleep soundly in it. (Or: I tell myself to buy sunscreen already, and I forget. Don't make my mistakes.)
2. Throw out your bathing suit
"I don't have a bathing suit, sorry!" is my favourite excuse for not having to participate in any summer water-based activity. And you know what you can do instead? Be in the shade. Or inside. Or anywhere away from water because guys we are NOT MEANT TO SWIM. (I know we can, but hey . . . like I said. If I can't see the bottom of wherever the swimming is, I am not swimming at all. Good day to you.)
3. Bank these winter memories
Every cold day from now until summer is a gift. Bank these memories and use them, and remember what it felt like to layer. It feels good, doesn't it. I know. Jackets are amazing.
4. Do whatever it is Mr. Freeze did in Batman
ICE TO MEET YOU, SUCKERS. And while I know this is entirely impossible, a girl can dream.
5. Don't complain about anything until the summer starts
If you've noticed, everyone's taken to Twitter to complain about everything the planet does. And that's fine. Let them. You'll have your time. You'll have your time during the first heat wave when everyone remembers how hellish summer can get. And then you'll complain, and someone will say, "You can't have it both ways — you can't complain about the winter and the summer" (because those people exist). And you'll say, "I didn't complain about the winter at all." And then you will put on your glasses like Horatio in CSI: Miami and the entire world will hear you say, "YEAAAAAAH!!!"
6. Refuse to participate
I refuse to wear flip-flops, I refuse to tan, I refuse to wear tube tops, I refuse. I refuse all of it. I want to wear shoes. I want to wear pants. I want to wear tights. AND I WILL. And maybe I'll want to die, but will you because nothing matters when there's a humidex of 50. We will all want to die. But I'm not letting summer change the way I dress because I hate summer, and the opposite of love is indifference. (Read: I am ignoring it.)
7. Laugh maniacally whenever there's a cold snap
Because now who has the power. (The weather and our planet. But for a few minutes we can pretend.)
8. Listen to Christmas music
Okay, I admit it: maybe don't do this every day or all the time because then you will be the person who always listens to Christmas music. But one time, two summers ago, in the midst of the millionth hot day in the world, a Christmas CD HAPPENED to be in my car and it HAPPENED to find its way into the CD player and I HAPPENED to remember that in less than six months, Christmas would be here, meaning that two months before Halloween would be there, meaning we were WEEKS away from autumn. And I hope I hurt summer's feelings in the process because I'm sure at some point I was like John Lithgow in Harry and the Hendersons: "Go on! Get out of here!"
9. Move to the UK
I haven't done this, but it is rainy and cold there, and honestly that sounds amazing even now.
10. Turn it into a winter countdown
Winter is over, yes, but that only means we're just a season and a half away from fall. How great is that. Answer: very great. It is wonderful and extraordinary. So may your countdown begin, summer lovers: it may be early April now, but every day brings us closer to autumn and winter. We're only six months from Thanksgiving. We're only eight away from Christmas. We're only five months from pumpkin spice lattes. And yes, I unapologetically love the shit out of those.
