Why I’m a Kim Kardashian Defender

A few years ago, Kim Kardashian was my favourite punchline. "Something-something Kim Kardashian!" I would joke, patting myself on the back for being such a hilarious human being. "Do you guys get it?!" I would think. "She's famous for having a sex tape!"

Actually, a few years ago, Kim Kardashian was famous for starring in Keeping Up With the Kardashians and her short marriage to Boston Celtics player Kris Humphries which I think we've all accepted to have just been a smart casting move and plot development for the E! reality series. But I gave approximately zero fucks because oh man, did I ever hate her. 

"This is the state of our society now," I would think. "A woman famous for doing NOTHING."

But while I was dismissing the Kardashian empire from my warm seat at a Second Cup up the street from my tiny apartment, Kim was building herself a dynasty. Through fashion, family, public appearances, modelling, and whatever else Kim Kardashian could brand, she racked up cash-money like a corner office executive. The woman is many things, and stupid is not one of them.

Ultimately, we need to accept that Kim Kardashian is a boss. In fact, in his recent GQ cover story, Kanye himself sang his wife's praises, equating her to a dinosaur in the sense of being really cool.

"You mean to tell me that this girl with this fucking body and this face is also into style, and she's a nice person, and she has her own money and is family oriented?" he said. "That's just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or dinosaur! And just as rarely seen."

And, well, duh. The thing I don't think any of us credit Kim Kardashian enough with is her ability to hustle. Yes, she has advisors, and yes she has a team, but this woman turned a betrayal of trust (a sex tape leaked to the press) into more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetime. That takes skill, and that takes calculation, and that takes guts. She's never painted herself as a saint, or shied away from her sexuality: she is who she is. And I respect her for that. (So Kim, if you're reading this, allow me to take back my false sense of superiority, circa 2010-2012.)

So to answer your question, yes: I'm still playing the Kim Kardashian Hollywood game. Since its release in June, the app has raked in over a billion dollars, and continues to earn thanks to its ability to make people like me think, "Well, I mean spending $5 is just like a Starbucks coffee, but this lasts longer because I can buy my character new clothes instead." Never played it? Here's a crash course: you create a character, then Kim helps her get famous, and then you have to juggle everything from retail shifts to photo shoots, to commercials, to romantic relationships, to comedy, to everything. You have to do everything. And it is entirely consuming, and it's fucking hard.

Which is what I'm finally willing to admit: being Kim Kardashian is hard. And I kind of hate it. I hate my manager Simon (I am still talking about the game), I think my publicist Maria is incompentent, my boyfriend Mitchell keeps talking shit about my clothes (dear whatever-higher-powers-that-be: please tell me this character is NOT a reflection of the Kanye/Kim dynamic), and I have a to-do list that never ends because Simon wants me to go to another meeting and DAMN IT, SIMON, I WILL GET THERE WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY. All of the smack I've ever talkd about Kim disappears with this game: if this is her life, she's fucking gifted.

And that's just one reason I like it so much. Through it, I've gotten a soft spot for the most polarizing Kardashian, as well as an increased respect for the life of a model/socialite/mogul. I like that it takes the concept of "having it all!" and throws it out the window, and I like that a thing called "hand hugs" exists because it is conducive to my enjoyment of personal space. I also, as someone who likes working, am obsessed with doing well. Kim Kardashian Hollywood is like giving a job to a career-driven person and telling them they can work their way up to the top if they just try. And now I am trying, and I won't stop until I have maxed out my levels and am sitting at a dinner table with Kanye, Kim, and North (obviously). Why? Because this is like my Call of Duty. Only instead of doing whatever Call of Duty is about, I am trying to earn millions of dollars and be a well-received famous person alongside my friend Kim, MY BEST FRIEND KIM WHO NEEDS ME SOMETIMES.

So yes, not only will I continue to play Kim Kardashian Hollywood, I will defend it to the ground. I mean, EXCUSE ME for enjoying a game about CAREERS. EXCUSE ME for supporting a woman who's schooling self-assured old millionaires without them even knowing. EXCUSE ME for caring about whether Willow Pape got home okay after I called her a cab. EXCUSE ME for writing about why I like the Kim Kardashian game so much. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's at least a few steps above making her a cheap punchline when I could've been respecting her business-minded self instead. 

Tags: app, celebrity, game, iphone, Kim Kardashian, Kim Kardashian Hollywood

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