I am a big fan of napping. Goddamn, I adore a solid microsleep. Even thinking about passing out at 3 pm on a lazy Sunday is making me drool. I am wet with anticipation about my next short afternoon doze. Sometimes I actually grab too many zees in a week. I gotta get my fix of forty winks almost every day, which can’t be good for me or my friends whose parties I sleep through or my roommates who regularly need me for something. It’s hard to be an active member of society when you’re unconscious during work hours, but man, do siestas feel sweet, especially when taken at your desk. They’re worth being put on probation for.
And you know what pairs extremely well with a teatime slumber? SEX! SEX IS WHAT PAIRS WELL WITH IT! YES! I SAID IT! SEX! I SAID IT AGAIN! But, for real, though, post-nap sex is the best. It’s relaxing. It’s magical. It’s total erotic perfection. You want to experience a perfect day? Wake up beside a lover, preferably one whose company you enjoy. Get dressed and get brunch, immediately. Once you’ve eaten, go for a walk in a park. Kidnap a dog and/or a baby if you have time for it. Return home and proceed to strip. Get into bed only wearing your underpants and nod off for an hour.
After 60 minutes has passed, go for another 60 and another 60 and another 60. Twenty years later, open your eyes and discover that everyone you have ever loved has died. Deny this happening for a bit, accept it and then cry for a while. Then figure out how to locate food and exist in this new world and learn their computer systems. Who knew that one nap would result in this?
Kidding! What you actually should do is wake up after the first 60 minutes. Turn to your lover who is conveniently in their underpants (prepared, much?) and make out furiously with them. Then have tons and tons and tons of sex (all variations), and continue doing that until the late night arrives and you have to go back to sleep. Perfect day, am I right? Or am I right? I’m right. You’re probably wondering at this point why I am so very obsessed with subsequent snooze copulation. I mean, there are so many reasons. Like, hundreds, really. But here are eight. Please read them, enjoy them, laugh at them and go get some beautiful shuteye/hot booty.
1. You’re so damn energized
Of course you are. You just took a nap! Hello! You are filled with human fuel and ready to naked rumble. You might be a tad groggy at first but as soon as that blood starts pumping down to your gents (my cute nickname for genitals) you will feel like you just chugged 10 red bulls. Nothing is sexier than a lively, spirited romp.
2. You’re already in bed
So convenient! It’s not like you’re going from a restaurant, to the street corner, to an Uber, to your front door, to your living room, to your bedroom and THEN into your bed. You’re already THERE! Take advantage of your location and act on your urges. You should for sure bang when you’re already lying down on a comfy surface. When in Rome, ya?
3. You’re in a post-nap euphoric state
There is something about napping that makes me feel like everything is right in the world and life is gorgeous and I’m never going to die. For a few minutes, I’m completely at peace. And you know what brings even more peace? Orgasms. Orgasms bring all the peace. You can’t recall your own unfortunate mortality while climaxing or arousing from an afternoon snooze.
4. You’re not in a rush to be anywhere
If you’re taking a nap it’s likely because you have the day off. Or it’s the weekend. Or you called in sick but you’re definitely not sick (rebel). Or you’re unemployed and could seriously use a job and a steady income (anyone hiring? asking for a reader). Whatever the reason, you got time pal. Relish in it. Go down on your partner over and over again. You don’t need to speed up that thrusting ˜cause you’re late. You gotta slow it down. You got hours to kill.
5. It starts your night off right
Who doesn’t want to begin their evening with the greatest sensation ever in existence? AKA coming. I know I do. You’ll definitely be strolling into the event you’re attending with a huge I just got laid grin on your face. You’ll be the hit of the party! You’ll MAKE the party and you’ll also be so awake all night long. No yawning at the bar for you. You’re 100% not passing out.
6. It’s bright out, but not too bright
The morning is so fucking sunny. TOO SUNNY. And if you don’t have drapes (like me) it can be outright painful to endure. Sure, everything is visible. But who cares when you’re being blinded by a beam of light? The evening is nice and dark but you can’t see a damn thing. You gotta turn on a lamp to figure out what’s what. But you know what lighting is bang on? 4 pm, baby.
7. It can be foreplay for night sex
Yes. I am referring to post-nap sex as foreplay to pre-night-sleep sex. One CAN lead into another, and not even instantly. You know the saying The more you exercise, the more you WANT to exercise? Well, same applies for making the love. If you do it in the early PM you’ll want to probs do it again in the later PM. The libido will be ignited and ready to go again.
8. You can nap again immediately after
A post-nap post-orgasm nap is my favourite activity in the universe. It’s the only birthday present I ever ask for. If I had three wishes each wish would be for this. This is the golden ticket I want. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to take a nap, and have sex (translation: masturbate a lot).