Two years ago my only sister got married and naturally I was her first choice for maid of honour, which makes complete sense on paper. Picking your sibling to be your head bridesmaid is simple and convenient and won’t upset your collection of friends who consider themselves equally as close to you, equally great at throwing bachelorettes and equally excellent at inventing irritating/difficult/pantyhose involving wedding shower games.
However, although it was hypothetically sound for me to be selected as the leader of the matching dress brigade, when the situation played out in real time my kinsperson quickly realized that she had made a lofty mistake and when I say lofty I mean catastrophic. I was a walking, talking, eye-rolling, whiney, surly, sarcastic tornado in a turquoise dress that my mother paid for because I didn’t have enough money in my bank account to purchase it.
Luckily, my sister is a very forgiving, loving human and in the end the whole experience did bring us closer together, in that I apologized a bunch and she gained insight into how big of a mess I really am (but like an adorable mess, you know?). I also discovered a lot about myself along the way, including what my strengths and weaknesses are in relation to the tasks of a maid to a bride. Here’s what I uncovered about NSFW (not safe for weddings) moi.
I’m incapable of hiding my disinterest in putting cookies into boxes for twelve hours
The day before the bridal shower, I was summoned to a house to put hundreds of sugary treats inside dozens of pink packages. I had no idea that this process would last from 10 am to 10 pm and would not allow me to eat said cookies until every container was filled. I complained about this every ten minutes until I was told that they would be better off without me.
I may or may not be colourblind
I was asked multiple times which colour I preferred in relation to platters and tablecloths and fabrics and plates and a gazillion other items and I often couldn’t see the difference between the varying similar hues. When I said it all looks the same and my sister replied, They look nothing alike, I began to wonder if there were in fact 18 types of white and I was losing my eyesight.
I am awful at thinking up fun activities that everyone would enjoy, especially older women
I was put in charge of coordinating light-hearted tournaments for the wedding shower. Like, Take out your purse and look inside your purse for this stuff until you find it kind of activities. I was asked to do research on the topic and I did none of it. I was then asked to brainstorm with the other women. My brainstorming was thus: Why don’t we just not have games? Nobody likes them and they’re annoying. I was quickly removed from this assignment.
I don’t have any savings
Eventually, every time my sister came up with another idea, my first response would be How much is THIS going to cost me? as if I was a grumpy, cheap dad in a sitcom. This was due to my not so hot financial situation. My fellow maids were willing to dish out hundreds and I was willing to barter.
I am at my angriest when I am trapped in an overly bright wedding dress store
I tried on what felt like fifty frocks that day but I think it was more like five. It seemed that I would never leave that claustrophobic prison of chiffon, satin, and taffeta. I thought I would die there, having choked on a corsage that I ate purely for survival purposes.
I don’t understand the importance or relevance of a good centrepiece
WHO CARES? IT’S JUST A GODDAMN THING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE THAT NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO TAKE HOME ANYWAY BECAUSE IT’S CLUNKY AND USELESS AND THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS was a common rant of mine.
I am excellent at planning a let’s get drunk soiree
I don’t know a lot but I do know how to get women intoxicated, what hilarious bride themed dollar store kitsch to buy, where the best drag shows in the city are, and when it’s time to discreetly puke on the sidewalk. These valuable skills result in an epic bachelorette party.
I can write a killer speech if all I have to do is make fun of my dad for ten minutes
Being a stand-up comedian, I had a leg up on the other speakers which I 100% used to my advantage. My jokes about my father, grandfather, mother, and sister DESTROYED. People were dying laughing. I got two applause breaks. A baby peed itself from smiling so hard.
I am an AMAZING dancer while tequila is inside of me
I am not a huge fan of the ritual of moving my body to music, but when I’ve had one or two or bottles of shots my feet start a tapping. I set that dance floor on fire and made just about everybody uncomfortable with my extreme booty shaking.
I buy seriously sweet joke presents which are the best presents
My sister and her husband adore Montana’s Cookhouse, which is a crappy corporate restaurant I worked at in my early twenties, so I bought them a whole bunch of gift certificates for the establishment so they could romantically dine there until the end of time.
When it comes to consuming free food and drinking open bar alcohol, I am an expert
You could even say I have a PhD in shoving cheese into my mouth while chugging champagne. It’s like, something I’ve only been studying since I WAS BORN.
I love love
I might moan and grumble and protest a ton but after all that’s said and done, I gotta admit, I adore watching two people I like slow dance in fancy clothing while they stare into each other’s faces. It brings a tear to my colour blind, drunken eyes.