The Truth About Friends With Benefits

Casual relationships, hooking up, flings – there are many terms for engaging in casual sex with a guy friend.  After all, who could be a better choice than that (hot) guy you already know, trust and like?  It’s a harmless, fun thing to do while you are in between, (or maybe even instead of) relationships. Recently, though, a New York Times article suggested that having lots of friends with benefits may hurt your chances for finding long-term love.  Let’s discuss:

Friends with Benefits Means No Monogamy
This may go without saying, but the very basis of a “friends with benefits” arrangement is that there is no relationship. That’s the point – just benefits!  When you have a friend with “bennies”, both of you are completely free to date and have sex with anyone else. The New York Times noted that people in “friends with benefits” relationships were more likely to be involved with more than one partner “ but messing around with a lot of people could lead to a lot of mixed feelings and you wondering why none of the casual flings go anywhere.

Are You Looking for Love.
If the two of you were already friends, and if what went on between the sheets was hot, who’s to say that love won’t blossom? 

You can take this as a “foot in the door” advantage – once your friend has sampled your, um, charms, he’ll have no choice but to extricate himself from all other relationships to devote himself to you. Or so you hope (and I agree with you!)

I wouldn’t feel right, however, not advising you that the odds are against you finding the love of your life this way.  (One study found that only 10% of these relationships turn into lasting ones.) But the worst case scenario may be that while he has enough feelings for you for a sexual relationship (and let’s face it, exactly how much of those feelings are enough for a guy?), he doesn’t have enough to be in a committed relationship with you. And that can only lead to heartbreak for you.

So, where does this leave us? Are you more likely to not find true love because you prefer friends with benefits? Do friends with benefits hurt your chances for finding true love?

What do you think?

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Tags: best guy friend, casual sex, friends with benefits, guy friend, Relationships

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Comments

  1. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I do not agree with the whole friends with benefits scenario. It is unfair for the person who feels used by the other who only wants a “piece” of you. Therefore, I can’t understand why the world is losing the true meaning of love. It is not just sexual as many people today think it is.
  2. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I do not agree with the whole friends with benefits scenario. It is unfair for the person who feels used by the other who only wants a “piece” of you. Therefore, I can’t understand why the world is losing the true meaning of love. It is not just sexual as many people today think it is.
  3. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I have a friend with benefits, I think it can work, we live 2 hours away from each other so don’t see each other loads. But we’re comfortable together. I don’t think fwb ends with any of the people involved getting hurt as long as you know where you stand from the start. Keeping it fun and friendly is the key, flirting is great too. Obviously if you agree to be fwb with someone you find them attractive so you are blatantly going to get attached and jealous, it’s human nature. It ends eventually, you either end up with the person or you both find someone else. Everyone is different and you just have to make sure when you do have a fwb that you stay honest with each other. Don’t forget the friends part, you are friends, so don’t say you love each other, but don’t ignore the other person either.
  4. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    It’s unfortunate to say but now you are learning the value of chastity and why it actually protects women from being (ab)used and ensures a couple are in a committed relationship before things become sexual.
  5. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I have a friend with benefits, I think it can work, we live 2 hours away from each other so don’t see each other loads. But we’re comfortable together. I don’t think fwb ends with any of the people involved getting hurt as long as you know where you stand from the start. Keeping it fun and friendly is the key, flirting is great too. Obviously if you agree to be fwb with someone you find them attractive so you are blatantly going to get attached and jealous, it’s human nature. It ends eventually, you either end up with the person or you both find someone else. Everyone is different and you just have to make sure when you do have a fwb that you stay honest with each other. Don’t forget the friends part, you are friends, so don’t say you love each other, but don’t ignore the other person either.
  6. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    It’s unfortunate to say but now you are learning the value of chastity and why it actually protects women from being (ab)used and ensures a couple are in a committed relationship before things become sexual.
  7. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Trust and respect are the foundation of a loving, long-term relationship. Without trust and respect, you can not have a successful partership. I have learned the hard way, but I have learned! Trust and respect are earned over time, but they can be lost in an instant. When we begin to date someone, we begin to assess and establish trust and respect, among other things. And dating is the process or ritual we use in order to size each other up, in order to determine mutual suitability as a long-term partner.
    So, a word from the wise: If you “just want to be loved” as stated above, if you want a long-term, committed relationship, be honest with him and earn his respect right from the start.
    It may be a double standard and it may not be fair, but for many men, having sex on the first date erodes their respect for you. Similarly, knowing you have had many casual sexual partners may also effect his respect for you or, at the very least, make him very cautious about your ability to commit. And if you hide the truth and get found out later, trust will be significantly eroded; in fact, you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. Therefore, don’t have sex on the first (or second or third) date! –ESPECIALLY with someone to whom you are wildly attracted! And in between dating potential partners, be very selective and discreet about your casual sexual encounters.
    These are far from the only things that build trust and respect, and in and of themselves, they do not establish a loving relationship. But they are “biggies”. They are inordinately influential and they can end a relationship before it even gets off the ground.
    As for someone who wants to be in a relationship but who “keeps doing the wrong things”, my advice is to ask yourself some tough questions and give yourself some honest answers: what do you REALLY want from life? How does a relationship fit into that vision? What qualities are essential in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What are you willing to GIVE (and give up) for this relationship? Be very specific and honest with yourself. Then, analyze the results you are achieving with your current behaviours and choices. If you are on the right path, then great! If not, what changes to you need to make?
    So what makes me wise? I’ve been there! And I have the benefit of hindsight. Take it or leave it, but what I have said above is good advice. At the very least, I hope you will ask yourself questions that will lead to better self-awareness. Truly understanding ourselves and acting on that understanding is key to achieving happiness.
    Cheers!
  8. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I came out of a long term relationship when I was done I was done… had no feelings about this guy, then I met this gorgeous man, I fell completely in love even tho we had sex on the first date we actually had a relationship… everything happened so fast we both met eachother’s family were so close to live together and suddenly he left me.
    After that.. I’ve been into dating sites… looking for love that will always end up in a not committed relationship in other words just sex…! a couple of them are now just friends with benefits.. and I do want something real but I feel once I develop interest and feelings about them they just leave me ’cause even if they came into with the idea of a possible relationship once they are with me they would love me in the bed but not out of there… I can’t control my life, first I still love my ex, second have so many guys calling me and I see once and there two or even three guys that I dated before… I know I want to be in a relationship but I keep doing the wrong things once I meet someone that i think could be the one… I understand I’m acting like a b*itch but I do get really hurt all the time.. doesn’t seem that way but I just want to be loved.
  9. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    Trust and respect are the foundation of a loving, long-term relationship. Without trust and respect, you can not have a successful partership. I have learned the hard way, but I have learned! Trust and respect are earned over time, but they can be lost in an instant. When we begin to date someone, we begin to assess and establish trust and respect, among other things. And dating is the process or ritual we use in order to size each other up, in order to determine mutual suitability as a long-term partner.
    So, a word from the wise: If you “just want to be loved” as stated above, if you want a long-term, committed relationship, be honest with him and earn his respect right from the start.
    It may be a double standard and it may not be fair, but for many men, having sex on the first date erodes their respect for you. Similarly, knowing you have had many casual sexual partners may also effect his respect for you or, at the very least, make him very cautious about your ability to commit. And if you hide the truth and get found out later, trust will be significantly eroded; in fact, you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. Therefore, don’t have sex on the first (or second or third) date! –ESPECIALLY with someone to whom you are wildly attracted! And in between dating potential partners, be very selective and discreet about your casual sexual encounters.
    These are far from the only things that build trust and respect, and in and of themselves, they do not establish a loving relationship. But they are “biggies”. They are inordinately influential and they can end a relationship before it even gets off the ground.
    As for someone who wants to be in a relationship but who “keeps doing the wrong things”, my advice is to ask yourself some tough questions and give yourself some honest answers: what do you REALLY want from life? How does a relationship fit into that vision? What qualities are essential in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What are you willing to GIVE (and give up) for this relationship? Be very specific and honest with yourself. Then, analyze the results you are achieving with your current behaviours and choices. If you are on the right path, then great! If not, what changes to you need to make?
    So what makes me wise? I’ve been there! And I have the benefit of hindsight. Take it or leave it, but what I have said above is good advice. At the very least, I hope you will ask yourself questions that will lead to better self-awareness. Truly understanding ourselves and acting on that understanding is key to achieving happiness.
    Cheers!
  10. Avatar
    • Anonymous
    • January 1, 1970
    Reply
    I came out of a long term relationship when I was done I was done… had no feelings about this guy, then I met this gorgeous man, I fell completely in love even tho we had sex on the first date we actually had a relationship… everything happened so fast we both met eachother’s family were so close to live together and suddenly he left me.
    After that.. I’ve been into dating sites… looking for love that will always end up in a not committed relationship in other words just sex…! a couple of them are now just friends with benefits.. and I do want something real but I feel once I develop interest and feelings about them they just leave me ’cause even if they came into with the idea of a possible relationship once they are with me they would love me in the bed but not out of there… I can’t control my life, first I still love my ex, second have so many guys calling me and I see once and there two or even three guys that I dated before… I know I want to be in a relationship but I keep doing the wrong things once I meet someone that i think could be the one… I understand I’m acting like a b*itch but I do get really hurt all the time.. doesn’t seem that way but I just want to be loved.

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