Waiting and wondering when your guy is going to pop the question can be agonizing, especially if you are not the type to sit back and take life as it comes. For those who have been go-getter “Type A” achievers since birth, not having any control over achieving the state of holy matrimony is beyond frustrating.
There are lots of reasons why guys are reluctant to propose: he’s worried about money, he’s irreparably scarred by his parent’s nasty divorce, he’s not ready to give up his “freedom,” etc. However, if your urge to merge has fallen on deaf ears, and you truly feel that the threat of losing you is the only thing that’s going to get him down on one knee, here’s how to go about it:
Timing. Although there is no rule about when you can start to discuss the possibility of forever-ever, try not to mention your preference for platinum vs. white gold engagement ring settings before the 3 month mark. And definitely never bring this topic up in front of friends, family or on national TV, Miss Jennifer Love-Hewitt. For best results, save the “pop-the question” conversation until you’ve celebrated every holiday in the entire calendar year.
Mood. Pick a time when you are alone with your guy, when he’s relaxed and feeling communicative ie., NOT when you’re both drunk, not during a 15-minute time-out of the final game of the NHL Stanley cup playoffs, and never during post-sex dozing. Begin by explaining that you have something on your mind, and be very direct about how your uncertain status as his future Mrs. is making you feel. Try to remain as calm as possible, turning on the waterworks will only make him edgy and uncomfortable.
Deadline. Whatever timeline you give him for proposing, make sure it is fair, and that you can be patient enough to hang out in limbo for that much longer. If you want a ½ carat and a 250-guest extravaganza before your next birthday, factor in things like his car payments, current status as unpaid intern, or the fact that he is still paying off students loans and adjust your expectations accordingly.
Outcome. Give your guy some time to marinate. During this stage, be prepared for both a proposal and a potential break-up. If he drags it out until the 11th hour, but turns up with that perfect princess cut sparkler, will the fact that he needed a significant nudge take any of the shine off the rock? And if he declines to be deadlined, are you prepared to accept his decision, pack your bags and start searching for someone willing to put a ring on it?
Your turn. Have you ever given an ultimatum, or would you advise a friend to give one? Why or why not?
You want “good” reasons for not proposing? Here are a few: He can’t afford the ring. He can’t afford to help pay for the wedding. He’s still in school. He’s just out of school and trying to find a career. He doesn’t have a job or is having a problem finding a decent one. He’s not emotionally ready to promise life long commitment. He’s still trying to get his life to a stable, secure point and wont make that commitment to anyone else until he can make it to himself. Family issues like divorce or illness. He could be having health issues as well.
All of these are “Good” reasons not to be ready to commit. Even saying, flat out “I’m not sure you’re the one” or “I’m not ready to get married” are GOOD reasons as long as they are honest.
“We don’t need a piece of paper” is a cop out for cowards.
So what are ‘real reasons’ that actually mean something to HIM? when does a man ever benefit from marriage, except in those rare instances where the woman has more personal wealth than he does? usually (not always) that ‘piece of paper’ DOES mean something to a lot of women – and the reason is – because it automatically entitles them to half of everything the man has worked for his entire life!
how about – ‘the MAN has given everything. HIS devotion, HE has sex with her, HE supports her AND pays for half the house.”
you don’t know any better, do you?
You want “good” reasons for not proposing? Here are a few: He can’t afford the ring. He can’t afford to help pay for the wedding. He’s still in school. He’s just out of school and trying to find a career. He doesn’t have a job or is having a problem finding a decent one. He’s not emotionally ready to promise life long commitment. He’s still trying to get his life to a stable, secure point and wont make that commitment to anyone else until he can make it to himself. Family issues like divorce or illness. He could be having health issues as well.
All of these are “Good” reasons not to be ready to commit. Even saying, flat out “I’m not sure you’re the one” or “I’m not ready to get married” are GOOD reasons as long as they are honest.
“We don’t need a piece of paper” is a cop out for cowards.
So what are ‘real reasons’ that actually mean something to HIM? when does a man ever benefit from marriage, except in those rare instances where the woman has more personal wealth than he does? usually (not always) that ‘piece of paper’ DOES mean something to a lot of women – and the reason is – because it automatically entitles them to half of everything the man has worked for his entire life!
how about – ‘the MAN has given everything. HIS devotion, HE has sex with her, HE supports her AND pays for half the house.”
you don’t know any better, do you?
I think many guys are genuinely scared of getting engaged and its not about the actual marriage as it is the wedding. To quote one of my husband’s buddies “It’s been a freaking nightmare since I gave her the ring”
The brides have gotten insane about weddings and the money that is wasted on one days events have gotten completely out of hand. Not only do they want the best ring, the wedding payment is sometimes more than their actual down payment on a house.
But I do think that it’s reasonable for a woman or man to say that something is important to them and they require it in a relationship. I don’t know if that has to take the form of an ultimatum, but people do break up over differences in wanting children, where to settle down, etc.
What about the women that bitches all the time?
You are never home? When you stay at home she complains don’t you have something to do?
when he asked her out to dinner and would like to treat her to a romantic Italian dinner, she wants to go Chinese.
You buy her flowers…. Her answer, What did you do are you having an affair?
You try to cuddle up to her during the day to show you love and care for her, what do you get? Not again don’t you ever think of anything else?
You come home early from work happy to spend more time with her. What do you get? How come you home early did you loose your job?
You took her out to dinner 2 days before St-Valentine day, nice dinner a movie and a present. Come St-Valentine day you don’t have a present, you get shit from her, you did not even think of buying me flowers, what kind of guy are you?
You don’t love me anymore?
Give us a break…. All they want is to control you, I don’t like the way you dress,
your hair is wrong, I don’t like you family, your furniture is to masculine. we should paint the walls pink……
Get with it. it is not always the man’s fault , what ever you do it is never good enough to please.
Maybe it is time for you girls out there to say maybe there is something wrong with me.
R.
Thats such a sad reply. Not all women are like that. I try to appreciate and thank him for everything he does for me. Hes my favourite person on the planet and he knows it.
I suspect if you do, many questions and pieces to her “puzzle” will be answered.
You mention that me makes VERY good money and spends it on himself; it sounds like she wants to tie the knot (around his neck) so that she can get her hands on that money and spend it on herself. If he is willing to get married if she pays for the wedding then she should take him up on his offer or stop complaining.
Long story short, he told me he would marry me one day, but not anytime soon. He said he didn’t want to get engaged until he knew exactly where his cards would line up in life and feel a little stability. I understand that, I really do, but I didn’t want to take the chance of him never committing.
He begged me not to give him the ultimatum, however, all the anxiety, pressure, and unknown of the future made me give him one. Needless to say, he said he couldn’t. We are both a mess and I don’t think he is going to come back. I thought he might, but it doesn’t look like it. And now I don’t know if I made the right choice.
I’m sorry to all who think that giving an ultimatum is “twisting the guys arm” and whatnot…but I’ve consulted her into giving him the timeline, and yes, she is ready to pack her bags and go. I believe that giving him an ultimatum, especially if you have been living together that long is NOT twisting his arm….it’s giving him reason to grow some balls. In this situation, the woman has given everything. Her devotion, she has sex with him, she supports him AND pays for half the house….so on his end he is thinking “why pay for the cow when the milk is free?”
I think many guys are genuinely scared of getting engaged and its not about the actual marriage as it is the wedding. To quote one of my husband’s buddies “It’s been a freaking nightmare since I gave her the ring”
The brides have gotten insane about weddings and the money that is wasted on one days events have gotten completely out of hand. Not only do they want the best ring, the wedding payment is sometimes more than their actual down payment on a house.
But I do think that it’s reasonable for a woman or man to say that something is important to them and they require it in a relationship. I don’t know if that has to take the form of an ultimatum, but people do break up over differences in wanting children, where to settle down, etc.
What about the women that bitches all the time?
You are never home? When you stay at home she complains don’t you have something to do?
when he asked her out to dinner and would like to treat her to a romantic Italian dinner, she wants to go Chinese.
You buy her flowers…. Her answer, What did you do are you having an affair?
You try to cuddle up to her during the day to show you love and care for her, what do you get? Not again don’t you ever think of anything else?
You come home early from work happy to spend more time with her. What do you get? How come you home early did you loose your job?
You took her out to dinner 2 days before St-Valentine day, nice dinner a movie and a present. Come St-Valentine day you don’t have a present, you get shit from her, you did not even think of buying me flowers, what kind of guy are you?
You don’t love me anymore?
Give us a break…. All they want is to control you, I don’t like the way you dress,
your hair is wrong, I don’t like you family, your furniture is to masculine. we should paint the walls pink……
Get with it. it is not always the man’s fault , what ever you do it is never good enough to please.
Maybe it is time for you girls out there to say maybe there is something wrong with me.
R.
I suspect if you do, many questions and pieces to her “puzzle” will be answered.
You mention that me makes VERY good money and spends it on himself; it sounds like she wants to tie the knot (around his neck) so that she can get her hands on that money and spend it on herself. If he is willing to get married if she pays for the wedding then she should take him up on his offer or stop complaining.
Long story short, he told me he would marry me one day, but not anytime soon. He said he didn’t want to get engaged until he knew exactly where his cards would line up in life and feel a little stability. I understand that, I really do, but I didn’t want to take the chance of him never committing.
He begged me not to give him the ultimatum, however, all the anxiety, pressure, and unknown of the future made me give him one. Needless to say, he said he couldn’t. We are both a mess and I don’t think he is going to come back. I thought he might, but it doesn’t look like it. And now I don’t know if I made the right choice.
I’m sorry to all who think that giving an ultimatum is “twisting the guys arm” and whatnot…but I’ve consulted her into giving him the timeline, and yes, she is ready to pack her bags and go. I believe that giving him an ultimatum, especially if you have been living together that long is NOT twisting his arm….it’s giving him reason to grow some balls. In this situation, the woman has given everything. Her devotion, she has sex with him, she supports him AND pays for half the house….so on his end he is thinking “why pay for the cow when the milk is free?”