My Not-So-Successful Attempt at Dirty Talk

I have discovered after years of adult boinking that I am incapable of saying anything provocative, erotic, or non-food-related during sex. I have attempted seductive conversation in the past many a time and have failed miserably many a time. For some reason I tend to rely on inappropriate, odd marine themed nicknames like sailor and fisherman and lighthouse operator. Aquatic boudoir talk is my go-to for making men highly uncomfortable.

But, even though I am not fluent in the language of filthy love I have been known to make some risque statements during penetration which could be equated to a form of dirty talk. Statements that would be considered rather scandalous if they ever left the bedroom. Statements that are both metaphorically and literally talking about dirt. Statements that are 80 percent food related. And if manipulated correctly I do believe these statements could be transformed into pure raunch. All they need are a few sensual words to preface them.

Allow me to present to you¦ naughty téªte-é -téªte I just made-up and will use in the future segueways into stuff I have actually, embarrassingly said more than thrice while someone was inside me.

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Your penis is so big that¦ the condom slipped off. WHERE THE HELL IS THE GODDAMN CONDOM? MY LIFE IS OVER.

You taste so good. You taste like¦ the pizza I ate earlier is still in my bed.

I want to sit on your face¦ but I can’t my hair is stuck in your armpit.

You can have me any way you¦ want to take a nap first?

Stick your dick inside me before¦ I have diarrhea again.

I want you to come on¦ my chest is so itchy can you scratch it?

You look so sexy when you¦ change my pillowcases for me.

I want you so bad I could¦ totally go for a cupcake right now.

No one has ever made me come as hard as¦ this bathrobe is AMAZING.

Take me¦ now that I’m not farting.

Do you like it when I¦ feel these fleece socks I’m wearing.

It drives me crazy when you¦ don’t grab my bum like that.

Come over here and¦ look in my eye! IS THERE HOT SAUCE IN IT?

Shut up and¦ make me a cup of tea.

I love sucking¦ your toes! They’re so small and weird! EWWWW.

Tags: dirty talk, how to be sexy, romance, sex

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