It is one of the most infamous self-help books in the Western world. Nearly every woman has heard of it, if not read it¦numerous times, and many absolutely swear by it. And even though “He’s Just Not That Into You” still makes many valid points, it was written nearly a decade ago, and well, we all know that A LOT has changed in the last decade.
So, what did I decide to do? Well, what any girl who swears by the “bible” would do. I took a long hard look at my own dating fails, and at those of my girlfriends and guy friends, and I’ve compiled my own, brief, updated version of “He’s Just Not That Into You”. And it goes a little something like this…
He’s Just Not That Into You¦
1. If he doesn’t text you back within 30 minutes:
I asked one of my guy friends to tell me, on average, how many times he checks his iPhone in the space of an hour. He told me he didn’t know, “probably a lot though¦” he said sheepishly (bless his heart, he IS in the early stages of a fledging love affair with an adorable elementary school teacher). I told him I knew how often, because I had been counting since we got to the bar. The magic number was 17. That means he checked his phone approximately once every 3.5 minutes. In that space of time he had received (and responded to) a grand total of one text message¦from his mom. Listen ladies, if I guy is into you, he is going to be checking his phone every MINUTE to see if he’s gotten a text from you, and unless something major comes up (ie. he’s in a six car pile-up on the highway or his dog takes off on an hour long sprint to the other side of the city), he will be responding to your text within minutes. Guaranteed. And for the record, telling you that his “battery died” is NOT an excuse. When a guy is waiting to hear from you he will NEVER let his phone get below half-juiced. Just sayin’.
2. If he doesn’t accept your “Friend Request”:
“Friend Request Pending”. There it was. Staring me in the face, taunting and teasing my social-media-addicted-brain day after day after day. After waiting eight whole days (and checking his still closed off profile at least 25 times a day to see if it had suddenly changed), I finally brought it up to one of my male coworkers. “I added him to Facebook over a week ago and he still hasn’t accepted my friend request¦” He stared at me with a look that screamed “how stupid ARE you?” and then, upon realizing my hopeless romantic heart would shatter easily, tried to put a positive spin on what he was about to tell me. It didn’t work. Long and short ladies, if he doesn’t accept your friend request he’s probably doing so out of fear that you will take over his wall with posts that include an awful lot of tiny hearts and “xo’s”, thus killing his chances with all the other hot babes he’s got going on in his friends list. Loser.
3. If he hasn’t closed his Plenty Of Fish account:
When I was dating my ex, just one of my many disastrous mistakes from the Plenty of Fish realm, we decided (still during the very early honeymoon stages of our relationship) that it would be a fun little bonding experience for us to close our Plenty of Fish accounts together. Aww, cute right? So, there we were, sitting at his desk, on his laptop, me snuggled into his lap, all loved up and giddy with excitement as we clicked the buttons that admitted that we were closing our accounts because we were lucky enough to have found an amazing person (!!!) on POF. It would also be there, sitting at that same desk, on that same laptop, some months later, that I would discover that apparently POF wasn’t the only online dating account my man had. And the wide array of other accounts were still up and running¦and VERY active. Whether he never closes his account at all, opens a new one, or is running some sort of online dating funshow from his own apartment, if your guy is still perusing the realms of the online dating world, he is NOT into you.
4. If he doesn’t let you go near his phone:
Again we come back to our beloved cell phones and the (somewhat unhealthy) addiction we have with them. In a generation where text messaging and picture messaging, BBM’ing and emailing have become our main forms of communication, it comes as no surprise that they are also the easiest way to be dishonest and/or unfaithful. If your guy takes his phone with him whenever he leaves the room (double suspicion points if he takes it to the bathroom with him) or if he leans away from you while he’s responding to a text or an email, then you know there is something going on. Not only should he like you enough that there should be nothing worth hiding on his phone, but he should trust you enough to know that you aren’t going to take a peek if he leaves you alone with it for under a minute while he takes a pee.
5. If he doesn’t want to be “In A Relationship” with you:
“Some guys just aren’t into displaying their relationship status for all the world to see¦I’m one of those guys.” True story ladies: This was my ex’s rationale for why he didn’t want to make our relationship “Facebook official”. The guy had a grand total of 107 friends on Facebook (that’s an awfully small “world” if you ask me), a large majority of whom happened to be females (in particular for a guy who worked in a very male-centric field and always seemed to be hanging with his “boys”). If a guy doesn’t want to show you off to his inner circle of close friends and acquaintances online, claiming stakes that you (a gorgeous, amazingly awesome chick) are his girl, then I’m sorry to say, he probably has no intention of keeping you around.
6. If his computer is comparable to Fort Knox:
Three passwords to log on to his computer, a 35 digit alpha-numberic password for his Facebook, and a ton of password protected “files” all decorating his desktop. Now, I’m not saying he needs to give you the passwords to everything on his computer, but if he closes that situation down like its harbouring the secrets truths behind the what happened on the grassy knoll, then there might be something questionable going on. Much like his phone, if he likes you he won’t have anything worth hiding and thus won’t have any problem leaving you alone in a room with his Facebook profile wide open (and yes ladies, you should like him enough to not even be tempted to sneak a peak!!)