I truly hope each and everyone one of you have sex this Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s with your boyfriend or girlfriend or random stranger you meet in an alley (PLEASE BE CAREFUL), I think 2016 is the year we as sexual beings spice it up a bit.
Sure, you could be like a total NORMIE and make love in a bed, but why not live a little? We’re all going to die someday and wouldn’t it nice to have She Died Having Sex IN a Dryer on your tombstone? (Again, I can’t stress enough how careful I want you guys to be.) So I’ve compiled a list of unconventional places to have sex this February the 14. A fun choose your own adventure if you will! STAY SAFE AND HAVE FUN!
1. NEAR your bed
If the idea of having sex outside freaks you out, pick a place close to it. Like beside it. Extra points if one of you role-plays as the monster under the bed.
2. Your Enemy’s Backyard
I know what you’re thinking: Amanda, this is a great idea and an innovative way to get back at my boss, BUT HOW DO I PULL THIS OFF? Well, provided you don’t live in the Arctic Circle, go when the sun has set. You can do anything under the veil of night! Including but not limited to: robbing a bank, streaking & announcing that you didn’t mind 50 Shades of Grey. (P.S. I hope you know how wrong that is.)
Wait until the lights in the house are out and then ever so gently, start going at it like rabbits in the wild. I like to be dramatic while it’s happening and yell something like, YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM! If your enemy catches you in the act, make sure to say sorry¦ and then when you have your pants on, NOT SORRY.
3. The Zoo
AH YES, WHERE IT ALL BEGAN. Animals of all things know how to get DOWN better than anyone. Take some notes from the cats especially. Hopefully your partner doesn’t bites your neck or whatever¦ but then again, if it starts to happen “ don’t stop it. This is all about new experiences and having sex in a place you’re not supposed to. I would avoid the reptile den if at all possible. The only snake you should be seeing is that of the boyfriend variety. (If your partner is a female, this also works for turtles kind of.)
4. On a cactus
If you’re really freaky and LOVE bleeding, might I suggest having sex on a cactus! It will be crazy painful and if you tape it and have a time machine, you have a great chance of getting on MTV’s Jackass.
5. On a DVD copy of Fifty Shades of Grey
Mostly just to destroy it.
6. A knife store
Danger. Fear. Excitement. Most importantly: Utensils to cut a snack up with later.
Honestly, to me this is scarier than a knife store. Why did I include this in the list? Good God. Okay. Well. Only do this is you know the person on the receiving end. Everyone else is a terrifying pervert.
8. When you have exhausted all of these ideas, maybe just do it in your bed?
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.