Well, our hopes were up for like a second (like when I mis-read the following story and thought Victoria Beckham was coming back to the Spice Girls instead of the opposite). And then they were dashed.
Let’s say it again: Posh Spice is over it, she’s not reuniting with the Spice Girls, and the 20th anniversary will include everybody but Victoria because life is cruel and unfair and I hate it.
“[Beckham] has been very respectful about the fabulous time they had together in the past, however her focus is now very much her family and fashion business,” her spokesperson told TMZ.
See? That’s it, that’s all.
Or is it? Victoria Beckham, if you can read this (and I assume you wake up early just to read what I have to say, so you can and will read this, naturally), here’s why you should come back:
1. The outfits
The nineties are back and you love fashion, so what are you doing? Your little Gucci dress is waiting. We are all waiting. Your style has always been superior, so why wouldn’t you use the nineties revival as a chance to brag about how timeless your aesthetic was, is, and always will be? It’s what I would do. I would throw on something from 1997 and just stand there saying, “I know. I know I’m amazing, and I know I’m better than everybody here, including those of you standing in the audience watching right now and you know it and I know it and you’re welcome I guess.”
See also: I think I might be a Bond villain. So maybe don’t listen to me.
2. We need you
We do. We need Posh Spice. I didn’t know what “Posh” meant as a child, but I knew that I respected your unwillingness to go OTT when you didn’t need to. I respected that you wore heels and dresses and walked around in all black, like I imagined most grown-ups go on to do, and I did that point-thing you did with your hands, thinking I looked just as classy and glamorous. I did not. I looked horrible. But that’s why we need you — so no one has to see me try to do things like that again.
3. Only five people in the world can say they’re in the Spice Girls, and you are one
Five people. Out of billions of people. Imagine being able to say, “I’m a Spice Girl”? JK, you don’t have to imagine it because it’s your reality. Bask in it. Revel in it. Feel the power of being able to say, “I am one of the most important people on this planet, and what are you going to do about it?” (Answer: look at you in awe — we would look at you in awe.) We saw what happened with Geri left: nothing. It was terrible. Nothing happened, which is the only thing worse than if everything happened. The Spice Girls aren’t supposed to be boring, and with five members, they aren’t. With four, it’s that shrugging emoticon, come to life. Why would you do that to us?
4. Your kids need Posh
How old are you kids? I could Google this, but I won’t because it’s getting late in the morning, and my deadline is coming up. But look: they need Posh. They need Posh because when I was their age (maybe), I also needed Posh. I needed the Spice Girls. The world needed the Spice Girls. We needed to see five women hang out and ban together and scream “Girl Power!” from the mountaintops since that was something some of us hadn’t really heard before. And now so do your kids. Even the one who’s a model and I think a teen. Especially him, actually. When I was a teen, I went to Take Your Kid To Work Day and hung out with my Dad at his job with the city. It was great! So think about how great your job seems. Exactly.
5. Because I just dedicated a post to you
A whole post. From me to you. Because I miss you, and I care, and I don’t know how else to convey what I’m feeling. Did this work? Tell me it worked. I’m Rose in Titanic, yell-whispering, “Come back.”
