We grow up believing a myth that adulthood will be wonderful. And in some cases — like our ability to stay up as late as we want and eat as many snacks as we can afford — it is. It's not bad! It's fine. I mean, it can always be worse.
But there will always be things we cannot escape. And I am going to talk about those today, because I want you to know — in moments of these happening to you — that you are not alone. And no matter what, we will always be teens. Or children. Or babies. (Not super cool and not all-together, is what I'm trying to say.)
Here are the five embarrassing things you will never outgrow.
1. Fear of getting in trouble
And I don't mean when you're doing something illegal (you should probably worry about getting in trouble if you're doing something illegal), I mean worrying — as my friend and I did — about getting pulled over by the police because we were in a rental truck. That she rented. Because she is an adult with a career and was moving. But did we use this to embrace the confidence of being human beings with full licenses and a fearless desire to conquer the world? No. No, instead a police officer pulled in behind us, and followed our truck until we dropped it off, resulting in the scene from Clueless when Cher goes on the freeway.
"Um, Anne . . . this isn't embarassing," you try and argue. Yes it is. YES IT IS because we are GROWN-ASS WOMEN who RENTED A TRUCK. But it felt like we'd broken LAWS. Like we'd stolen our parents cars like we did in high school. (I mean . . . what?) Like the police had a right to ticket us. This is uncool, and this is embarrassing. For us. Because unless we are breaking the law, we shouldn't have to fear anyone. Except Fear itself. (Fear is my neighbour's nickname.) (Just kidding: but that'd be awesome, right?)
2. Getting caught creeping somebody
It's a very simple rule: if you have a crush on somebody OR alternately, if you hate somebody, you will always get caught creeping their Facebook profile or their Twitter account or their Instagram, or anything that incriminates you and your feelings (or lack thereof). And when that happens, you will never be smooth. You will never make yourself seem cool or like you've got a good reason to be doing what you're doing. You will always give yourself away, and then make the problem worse by offering an excuse on par with Michelle Tanner in Full House trying to defend why she was eating a box of cookies in a scene she filmed when she was two. (And actually, her excuse will be better, because hers was written by a team of adults writing scripts in a room.) I'm sorry, but this is fate. You may as well just type their name in your Facbeook status right now, and save yourself the grief.
3. Shitting one's pants
It happens to every adult at least once. If it's happened to you, you understand. If it hasn't, and you're protesting this, it's either just happened and you're not ready to talk about it, or you're in denial. And I'm sorry, but it's coming for you — so stay away from KFC (as some of us have learned too late).
4. Falling down, and always in front of other people
I tripped and nearly fell down the stairs in grade 12, and this was in front of only one other human being. "You saw NOTHING" I said menacingly. He nodded, terrified, and rightfully so. In grade nine, I also fell down the main staircase and landed with my head up my friend's skirt. When I was 22, I fell down the stairs of a bowling alley and sprained my hand — which is sad, until you factor in that this all happened under a blacklight, and my tears glowed, making me look like some radiocative monster.
What I'm saying is that you're not safe, and I'm sorry. We will — and the number of times this will happen remains in the double digits — fall down the stairs in front of people. Probably people we care about. More than likely, in front of strangers we hope to impress. And we will never look good. It's never graceful. So that explains why when you're being asked if you're okay, fellow adults are trying not to laugh because what are you even doing in a place with a blacklight anyway.
5. Spilling food on yourself
I still don't get why Olivia Pope has never spilled wine on herself, and by that I mean "just kidding she is a TV show character." In real life, we're all hopeless. I am wearing a white t-shirt today and I am literally counting the minutes until I spill SOMETHING (my dignity?) on it. In grade school — grade three, specifically — I spilled ketchup on a blouse I hated, then used fruit punch to clean it out because the fruit punch looked clear. Little did I know that in that moment, I was who I was going to be for the rest of my life. We will never, ever be able to eat like actual grown-up model citizens. We will always be the kids who spill chocolate milk on our Gap khakis then have to explain to everyone that it was an accident and that chocolate milk comes out, you swear.
We are, ultimately, Liz Lemon. Liz Lemons to the world's one Olivia Pope, who, if she was really a fixer, could fix it so that we ate our lunches like people who knew how to use spoons. (I do not. I drank miso soup out of the bowl today and spilled it on my jeans. Because I am an adult, obviously.)
