I was recently dating a guy that I was never in a serious relationship with but who I saw often and for many months and who I liked a whole bunch. Although we had some excellent times together which I continue to cherish to this day, he also hurt me deeply and I hurt him right back. Our casual union was of the on and off variety. I ended the arrangement several times before finally calling it quits, permanently, forever, with no return.
After I deleted his number and tried to force myself to forget how good he was at going down on me, he put in a request that we still be friends and continue to text and chat and grab ciders. He wanted me to remain in his life and I did not want him to remain in mine. Yet, he insisted that regardless of how I strongly I felt, that we prevail as pals immediately post-our-kinda-break-up. He didn’t want bad vibes festering between our souls and he especially didn’t want weird energy bouncing around when we inevitably ran into each other at coffee shops or events or parties or on the streets of our fair city. He thought it was more mature to stay buds.
I tried to explain to him that staying buds promptly after I split from an ex has never worked out for me and it likely never will. This is not to say that we can’t be pals ever again in the future, down the line, maybe several months or a year from now. I am friends and good acquaintances with a bunch of people I’ve dated, loved and had sex with in the most non-committal of ways. But, whenever I’ve done the whole, let’s be BFFs straight away and behave exactly as we did minus all of the making out and affection and holding of each other’s genitals, it has been a massive disaster. There should be a disaster movie genre 100 per cent devoted to stories about former lovers trying to make it work as comrades after they’ve retired from orgasming each other.
When I agreed to this situation in the past (and I did over and over again despite previous failures), I always naively thought that this time would be the time that an instant switch from romantic to platonic would be successful. I repeatedly convinced myself that since I was a nice, rational, emotionally intelligent grown-up and they were as well that we could easily be cool, fun, non-kissing-sidekicks. Boy, was I naive. I am only speaking from my experience but remaining in each other’s lives has only resulted in a copious amount of tears and problems for moi.
Here are a bunch of reasons for why I need a break from my partners after the break.
I require time and distance in order to get over them
I very much follow the mantra out of sight out of mind, and I perpetually apply said mantra to recovering from heartache. Any time I run into a fresh ex at a party or schedule a catch-up dinner or chat with them on the phone about my week, I feel way worse after. Well, I usually feel better for a hot minute until I remind myself that they continue to no longer be my partner and then I feel way worse, when I’m alone, in my room, late at night, sobbing and obsessively looking at their Facebook profile. Speaking of Facebook, I need distance from that too. I can’t repair myself if my wounds continue to be opened by this well-meaning but hurtful human being.
I also want them to move on from me
And even if I might be cool with getting brunch together ˜cause my romantic love for them has rapidly faded, they might not be cool with it. In fact, when I’ve dipped my toe back into the chilling with my past paramour pond, half the time it results in them requesting that we date again. Not necessarily because they want to, but because they’re lonely and sad and in need of a warm body on the left side of their bed. I’ve been there and it big time sucks. The last thing I want to do is invite getting back together possibilities by eating eggs and bacon side by side.
I don’t want us to maybe for sure end up having ex sex
Although the intercourse of the ex can be some of the best intercourse to ever intercourse in the history of intercourse (˜cause they know your body and you miss them a lot and it’s got a very the apocalypse is coming feeling), it’s NEVER a good idea. But, damn it’s so difficult to resist! Right? I mean, if I see a person I’m still in love with and they’re looking highly attractive, I will want to go down on them and vice versa. Especially if I haven’t climaxed with anyone else for a while. In conclusion, STAY AWAY FROM ME HOT PERSON I’M TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT.
If we continue hanging out we will continue behaving like a couple
I also find that, regardless if I’m making the coitus with them or not, when we stay in touch we fall back into our usual relationship patterns of texting every single day and calling when we’re depressed and going on day trips together. ˜Cause we’re friends and friends can go on day trips and hold hands and express their eternal love to each other, right? Sarcasm alert! None of this is normal. I don’t text any BFF every single day. This is why I always control, alt, delete my ex’s number pronto.
Spending time with them non-romantically is painful
As already mentioned, a few hours after observing an ex in the flesh, I predictably weep uncontrollably for days. It almost feels like I’m going through the break-up all over again. Sitting next to a person who I thought was my soulmate a week ago, and not being able to kiss them is actual torture. I don’t want to simply make small talk. I want to spoon with them until dawn and share our deepest fears and discuss why we adore each other at length. If I can’t do any of this and I desperately want to, it’s going to be unbearable being in close proximity to them.
I can’t handle potentially seeing them date others while I’m healing
Nothing stings more than discovering that an ex-partner has a new beau. Wait. No. There is something that stings more. Being buddies with that ex-partner and literally having to witness them smooching in front of you. This has happened to me on a couple of occasions and holy shit, it felt like my insides were coming out through my face holes every time. It’ll sting no matter what you do but avoiding being an innocent bystander for their blossoming gross love is helpful.
I don’t want to be mean to them or for them to be mean to me
I have done and said and banged so many regrettable things during a break-up. I don’t really consider myself to be a normal, functioning version of me during that period. My emotions are extremely intense. My paranoia is out of control. My tear ducts are working overtime. My fear of dying alone is very present. And my labido is either ravenous or non-existent. This means that if I’m in contact with the individual causing all of these bizarre behaviours and unusual thoughts and aggressive feelings within my soul, I will take it out on them. I will yell and scream and attack and make accusations and blame them for everything wrong in my life. And you know what? They’ll do the same. They might be a bit more subdued but it will definitely get dirty. I’d prefer to not go catatonic on their Facebook timeline on a daily basis, please and thank you.
I need space now so we can hopefully be friends later
And the less catatonic I go on their Facebook timeline, the more likely we will be pals in the future. Unforgivable mistakes are less common when you have distance and time to mend your broken parts. Then, once that’s achieved, and we’re both in a solid place, platonic love can rise.
