There was a world before Emoji, but I don’t want to remember it. It was dark, it was cold, it was distant — and I just told you I didn’t want to remember it, so what are you doing?
But yes, it existed. And while you may not remember life without images of eggplants or dancing ladies, I can confirm that it was both bleak and terrible, and that’s all any of us need to know.
However, we’ve since developed a new and improved dialect. Instead of words, we use galloping horses; instead of waving goodbye, a picture of a waving hand. This is as close to telepathy as any of us will ever get (or so I tell myself while posting a poodle Emoji on a selfie of myself, hoping whoever’s following me on Instagram will understand what it means), so in the spirit of hanging your entire personality on a single keyboard choice, here’s what your favourite Emojis say about you.
Galloping horse: You’re terrifying.
Dancing lady in red: You’re terrifying, but in a different way.
Dancing ladies in rabbit ears: You’ve joined a dance cult.
Clapping hands: You’re too lazy to say congratulations like a regular person.
Flipping-hair lady: You ran out of fucks to give in 2012, and you feel the better for it.
Painted nails: You ran out of fucks to give in 2010, and I applaud you for it.
Girl getting her head massaged: You weren’t born with any fucks at all (congratulations and/or [clapping hands])
Alleluia hands: You coined #blessed.
Praying/high five hands: You are Drake.
Grimacing smiley face: I hear you.
Cat with hearts for eyes: You’ve never seen what a cat looks like.
Poop: Honestly, why.
Kissing lips (either one): You don’t care how uncomfortable most people feel when they receive this.
Thumbs up: You are Michelle Tanner. (“You got it, dude.”)
Strong arm: You’ve told me at least once in your life that you’ve gone to the gym and how dare you.
Poodle: You are exquisite. (You are me.)
Paw prints: You are my cat please look at me when I’m talking to you.
Tidal wave: You’ve seen Blue Crush no less than 366 times.
Lighting bolt: You are Zeus or Helen Hunt from Twister.
Eggplant: WE HAVE ALL HEARD YOUR DICK JOKES. STOP IT.
Pizza: You’re lactose intolerant and everybody knows it.
Donut/bread: You see so much beauty in this world you feel like you can’t take it.
Crown: Beyonce what did I say about reading my work so much.
Pills: Tell us again how hard you party please it’s in no way gotten old.
Syringe: You are upsetting. I’m sorry, but you are.
Money bag and/or flying money: Like me, you also have never actually seen money up close.
Cigarette and/or gun: What’s wrong with you?
100: You are a Winklevoss twin.
And of course, I haven’t made it through all of them. Thats where you come in: add yours in the comments and consider each worthy of at least [Emoji checkmarks]. We did it, you guys. Psychology.