Casual relationships, hooking up, flings – there are many terms for engaging in casual sex with a guy friend. After all, who could be a better choice than that (hot) guy you already know, trust and like? It’s a harmless, fun thing to do while you are in between, (or maybe even instead of) relationships. Recently, though, a New York Times article suggested that having lots of friends with benefits may hurt your chances for finding long-term love. Let’s discuss:
Friends with Benefits Means No Monogamy
This may go without saying, but the very basis of a “friends with benefits” arrangement is that there is no relationship. That’s the point – just benefits! When you have a friend with “bennies”, both of you are completely free to date and have sex with anyone else. The New York Times noted that people in “friends with benefits” relationships were more likely to be involved with more than one partner “ but messing around with a lot of people could lead to a lot of mixed feelings and you wondering why none of the casual flings go anywhere.
Are You Looking for Love.
If the two of you were already friends, and if what went on between the sheets was hot, who’s to say that love won’t blossom?
You can take this as a “foot in the door” advantage – once your friend has sampled your, um, charms, he’ll have no choice but to extricate himself from all other relationships to devote himself to you. Or so you hope (and I agree with you!)
I wouldn’t feel right, however, not advising you that the odds are against you finding the love of your life this way. (One study found that only 10% of these relationships turn into lasting ones.) But the worst case scenario may be that while he has enough feelings for you for a sexual relationship (and let’s face it, exactly how much of those feelings are enough for a guy?), he doesn’t have enough to be in a committed relationship with you. And that can only lead to heartbreak for you.
So, where does this leave us? Are you more likely to not find true love because you prefer friends with benefits? Do friends with benefits hurt your chances for finding true love?
What do you think?
So, a word from the wise: If you “just want to be loved” as stated above, if you want a long-term, committed relationship, be honest with him and earn his respect right from the start.
It may be a double standard and it may not be fair, but for many men, having sex on the first date erodes their respect for you. Similarly, knowing you have had many casual sexual partners may also effect his respect for you or, at the very least, make him very cautious about your ability to commit. And if you hide the truth and get found out later, trust will be significantly eroded; in fact, you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. Therefore, don’t have sex on the first (or second or third) date! –ESPECIALLY with someone to whom you are wildly attracted! And in between dating potential partners, be very selective and discreet about your casual sexual encounters.
These are far from the only things that build trust and respect, and in and of themselves, they do not establish a loving relationship. But they are “biggies”. They are inordinately influential and they can end a relationship before it even gets off the ground.
As for someone who wants to be in a relationship but who “keeps doing the wrong things”, my advice is to ask yourself some tough questions and give yourself some honest answers: what do you REALLY want from life? How does a relationship fit into that vision? What qualities are essential in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What are you willing to GIVE (and give up) for this relationship? Be very specific and honest with yourself. Then, analyze the results you are achieving with your current behaviours and choices. If you are on the right path, then great! If not, what changes to you need to make?
So what makes me wise? I’ve been there! And I have the benefit of hindsight. Take it or leave it, but what I have said above is good advice. At the very least, I hope you will ask yourself questions that will lead to better self-awareness. Truly understanding ourselves and acting on that understanding is key to achieving happiness.
Cheers!
After that.. I’ve been into dating sites… looking for love that will always end up in a not committed relationship in other words just sex…! a couple of them are now just friends with benefits.. and I do want something real but I feel once I develop interest and feelings about them they just leave me ’cause even if they came into with the idea of a possible relationship once they are with me they would love me in the bed but not out of there… I can’t control my life, first I still love my ex, second have so many guys calling me and I see once and there two or even three guys that I dated before… I know I want to be in a relationship but I keep doing the wrong things once I meet someone that i think could be the one… I understand I’m acting like a b*itch but I do get really hurt all the time.. doesn’t seem that way but I just want to be loved.
So, a word from the wise: If you “just want to be loved” as stated above, if you want a long-term, committed relationship, be honest with him and earn his respect right from the start.
It may be a double standard and it may not be fair, but for many men, having sex on the first date erodes their respect for you. Similarly, knowing you have had many casual sexual partners may also effect his respect for you or, at the very least, make him very cautious about your ability to commit. And if you hide the truth and get found out later, trust will be significantly eroded; in fact, you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. Therefore, don’t have sex on the first (or second or third) date! –ESPECIALLY with someone to whom you are wildly attracted! And in between dating potential partners, be very selective and discreet about your casual sexual encounters.
These are far from the only things that build trust and respect, and in and of themselves, they do not establish a loving relationship. But they are “biggies”. They are inordinately influential and they can end a relationship before it even gets off the ground.
As for someone who wants to be in a relationship but who “keeps doing the wrong things”, my advice is to ask yourself some tough questions and give yourself some honest answers: what do you REALLY want from life? How does a relationship fit into that vision? What qualities are essential in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What are you willing to GIVE (and give up) for this relationship? Be very specific and honest with yourself. Then, analyze the results you are achieving with your current behaviours and choices. If you are on the right path, then great! If not, what changes to you need to make?
So what makes me wise? I’ve been there! And I have the benefit of hindsight. Take it or leave it, but what I have said above is good advice. At the very least, I hope you will ask yourself questions that will lead to better self-awareness. Truly understanding ourselves and acting on that understanding is key to achieving happiness.
Cheers!
After that.. I’ve been into dating sites… looking for love that will always end up in a not committed relationship in other words just sex…! a couple of them are now just friends with benefits.. and I do want something real but I feel once I develop interest and feelings about them they just leave me ’cause even if they came into with the idea of a possible relationship once they are with me they would love me in the bed but not out of there… I can’t control my life, first I still love my ex, second have so many guys calling me and I see once and there two or even three guys that I dated before… I know I want to be in a relationship but I keep doing the wrong things once I meet someone that i think could be the one… I understand I’m acting like a b*itch but I do get really hurt all the time.. doesn’t seem that way but I just want to be loved.